Parenting 101

Lesson 7: Dealing With Today's Tough Issues

Helping Your Child Understand Death And Dying

Death is one of life’s great mysteries. No one quite knows what happens when we die. Having a strong belief in a Supreme Being helps enormously of course, but still, it's one of the more difficult issues we talk with children about.

The subject of death often arises when a beloved pet dies. Or a close relative passes away. The child is of course curious and a bit frightened about what happened, and asks you for answers. If you are frightened or uncertain yourself, your child will pick up on it. So, it’s a good idea to formulate some sort of plan to deal with it, if it does come up.

If you don’t hold strong religious beliefs, you might use author Susan Howatch’s “echoes in time” concept to help a child through a death. In the novel, Wheel Of Fortune, she explains that no one we truly love ever dies. We hear their echoes at unexpected moments throughout our lives. In a child’s laughter, a mannerism, a song, the person is vividly brought back to us. It’s a beautiful and moving concept. If a grandparent has died, you might say, “we see Grandmother every time you tilt your head that way”, or “we see Grandfather whenever you play the piano.” It helps the child see that we do live on, in each other.

Most of the fear of death comes from the fear of pain. Losing someone violently is terrifying to children. They need reassurance that such a quick, sudden death was painless. Many children, after hearing of or witnessing a sudden death, have trouble sleeping or eating. This is reflective of their fear of death coming to snatch them suddenly. If this continues for much longer than a week or two, you need to get help for the child. Some children are extremely sensitive and need extra help to overcome their fear. This does not mean they are weak or lacking in courage. It just means they are unable to fully process what has happened.

A good way to introduce the subject of death is through gardening. By using the seasonal cycle of death and renewal, many children become much more comfortable. It places death where it should be: part of a perfectly natural part of living.

How have you explained death to your child? If you haven’t why not?

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