Parenting 101

Lesson 7: Dealing With Today's Tough Issues

Part of being a parent is providing your children with the tools and information they need to survive in this increasingly complex world. This lesson will offer you some insights into effective ways to talk with your child about these tough issues.

Sexuality And Children

Children’s first lessons about sex come from observing their parents' relationship and their parents unspoken attitudes about themselves. People who are affectionate and loving with their partners convey powerful messages about sexuality. When teaching a child about sex, it is very important to demonstrate the love that can make sex such a rich experience. This helps the child begin to understand that making love with someone needs caring to be meaningful.

Ideally, we want our children to love and be loved when they have their first sexual encounter. We hope it will be a tender sensitive experience. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen for most teens. I remember talking with a 14 year-old unwed mother. She shared with me how confused and lonely she felt in her own home. Her parents were cold and unaffectionate with each other and with her. The only time they made love it seemed, was after one of their fights. The lovemaking was loud and brutal. And she heard it. She told me she wanted to get the first sex act out of the way, because it must be awful. She didn’t have a clue about the role of love and affection, having never seen it in her home. Unfortunately her first experience didn’t help at all.

You can give your child all the correct anatomical information, provide them with books and even discuss it openly with them. But it is your attitude and the way you demonstrate love and affection that will have the greatest impact on them. Boys model much of their sexual attitude after Dad. If Dad is a macho, insensitive man, and treats his partner with disrespect or discourtesy, his sons will tend to do the same. It is very, very important for fathers to be aware of what messages they are conveying to their sons about women in general. Dads who treat their wives with love, tenderness and respect help their sons become loving caring men themselves.

Mothers play an enormous role in shaping sexual attitudes for both daughters and sons. A mother who becomes cold, distant and unaffectionate when displeased sends a message that it’s OK to use affection/sex as a weapon to her daughter, and that women can’t be trusted to her son.

An overtly suggestive and sexual mother hurts her children. They are embarrassed and confused by a mother behaving this way. It makes them uncomfortable and unsure of her “safety” as a parent. Older sons may have uncomfortable sexual feelings aroused by being around a mother who dresses and acts suggestively.

Making love should always be a private affair, done when the children are asleep or away. Loud lovemaking scares many children. Hyperimaginative as they can be, they envision a monster hurting Mommy or worse. Try and hold down any noise when children are awake or nearby.

Be affectionate around your children. Hug each other, pat a shoulder, and touch each other often. Let your children see the love you have for each other. This will help counterbalance the often raw sexuality they see and hear about every day.

Exercise: Think about the ways you demonstrate love and affection in your home. Is there room for improvement?

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