Parenting 101

Lesson 4: Character Development

Encouraging Unselfish Behaviors

Children are naturally selfish creatures and have to be taught how to share. Forcing this concept only leads to more selfish behavior.

Toddlers have a terrible time with sharing anything. They have no concept of yours, mine or theirs. Once something is in their hot little hands, it belongs to them. Helping them understand how to share is important to their development. It helps to keep toys they highly value out of the hands of other children. The remaining toys are used to remind them about sharing. You might say: “ I put Binky and your lovey away. Those are your special toys. The beads and blocks are for sharing with everyone”.

When a toddler claims someone else’s toy as theirs, you need to be firm with them. A gentle reminder of how they felt when their toy was taken helps. “Look, Jenny is crying because she misses her dolly”, shows her someone else has feelings. If she still refuses, remove and return it. If she then attempts to take it back, remove her from play for awhile.

Siblings need to have firm limits in place about who touches what. Most sibling fighting occurs over poaching on one another’s “territory”. Make it clear that certain items are off limits to them. For example: “don’t go into your brother's room without asking” “Don’t touch his dinosaur collection” “Ask your sister before you “borrow” her dolls”. This is the only way to stop this kind of poaching, and it needs to be strictly enforced. By acknowledging certain boundaries, we help our children learn to share.

When you notice your children doing something unselfish, praise them. Let them know how much you approve of what they are doing. Pay attention, because some selfish behavior is subtle. Yet it is extremely destructive. For instance, your children are busy playing, but know you are doing laundry. You ask them to please gather their dirty clothes and bring them to you. They don’t. The next day, one of them complains his shirt wasn’t washed. If you go ahead and wash it, you are encouraging selfish behavior. A better thing to say is: "I asked you yesterday to bring me your dirty clothes. You didn’t bring that shirt to me. Find something else to wear please." This teaches them personal responsibility underlines the fact that you are not there to perform chores for them.

A demanding child is a very selfish child. They want what they want, when they want it. They don’t care who they bother with their petulant, whiny behavior. When a child behaves in this fashion, they need to be removed from the room. If the behavior continues, the systematic removal of valued possessions should be started. They became this way because someone allowed them to in the first place. If you are in a store or other public place, remove them from the area immediately. Giving in to them out of embarrassment is the worst thing you can do. If the child calms down, return to the store, if not take them home. They have to learn that they can’t have everything they want.

Being unselfish works both ways. If you show consideration for your child when he is tired or out of sorts, he needs to show you the same consideration. When you are tired or not feeling well, your child needs to be taught to be considerate of you by not making selfish demands. Be honest and tell him you are tired or not feeling well, so nothing much will be done for the evening. If a request is made, remind him that when he is tired you are very considerate about asking him for favors. This helps him see you as someone who has feelings and needs of her own.

Create opportunities for your child to get involved in community giving of some kind. Whether it’s donating money to a food bank, helping clear a community garden or joining a walk for a cause, this is an excellent way to encourage a loving caring attitude.

What are some ways you encourage unselfishness in your family?

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