Parenting 101

Lesson 4: Character Development

Courage: Learning How To Deal With Disappointments

Having the courage to cope with adversity and disappointment is one of the most valuable lessons a child can learn. It’s hard to lose something you really wanted, or to have misfortune impact your life. Part of being a person of character is handling disappointments well.

My father used to tell me, "Candy, life isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people all the time. You must learn to take disappointments and adversity, learn from them and move on." What a valuable lesson it was. As a severely ill child, who had hoped to go to university, the discovery that my illnesses were so profound was a bitter and difficult thing for me. Working through this helped me to develop a strong character and an ability to cope with other adversities in life.

Many parents, out of love, try to always shield their children from the “bad” things in life. This is a shame, because they are then profoundly shocked when as adults they meet disappointments head on and fall apart. Nothing in their lives has given them any preparation for this.

It is important to share disappointments with your children, and show them how to work through them. Acknowledge that they hurt, that it is uncomfortable or makes them angry. Then encourage them to begin the process of moving on. It’s a part of life, everyone has bad times. Unemployment, illness, divorce and death happen every day.

If adversity hits your family, help your children work through their feelings. Be honest about what has happened, and more importantly, what plans you have to make it better. This might only be: “ We’ll get through this step by step, but we will make it” Enlist your child’s help by asking for patience and understanding. Make a family pact that you won’t allow this event to change feelings or behaviors. Ask for cooperation in not taking feelings out on each other. Set some guidelines. One might be: “It’s ok to let us know how upset you are, but please try to do this appropriately. Screaming and shouting will only make it hard on all of us.”

Working through a bad time can strengthen a family or tear it apart. As a parent it is your role to make certain that your children have the tools to cope appropriately.

Exercise: Has your family ever gone through hard times? How did you handle it? What was your children’s reaction to it? Think about ways to help all of you handle things better.

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