Parenting 101

Lesson 4: Character Development

Encouraging Honesty And Accountability

I am close friends with a Professor at a leading university. He tells me how appalled he is at the lack of honesty and accountability in many of his students. Another friend, a teacher at the local elementary school, often expresses frustration with parents who will not hold their children accountable for their actions. On a more personal level, I’ve encountered this many, many times. A group of 6 boys held my, then 5 year old, autistic son down, beating him and kicking him. When my husband confronted the parents, the excuses were ready and waiting: “He just didn’t understand your child was different”, He was having a bad day in school” and so on. As if these excuses justified a group of 10 year old thugs beating up any 5 year old.

We are our childrens' role models for honesty and accountability. If children hear us always excusing and rationalizing our own behavior, they begin to see this as acceptable. It is our moral duty to hold ourselves and our children strictly accountable for what they do and say. Bottom line, we choose to behave badly. No circumstance forces us, we make that decision. Children need to be taught to make ethical choices, and if they don’t, to be honest about it.

One way is to let them know it is much easier to tell the truth than to lie. Another is to reward personal honesty. When your child tells you the truth without excuses, he should be praised. Truth is a habit that needs to be formed early and reinforced continually. An example: Your child has broken something of yours. He tells you: “I was running, I broke it, I’m sorry”. This is full accountability and honesty. The child should be told you are very proud of him, with an acknowledgement of how difficult it must have been for him to tell you this. You could then follow this with a reminder about not running through the house. Your reaction tells him that you value his honesty highly.

Don’t allow your children to rationalize or excuse negative behavior. Hold them to a high standard of personal integrity. They will be much better people as a result.

In your own home, do you allow or excuse negative behaviors, by providing excuses? If so, how can you make changes for the better?

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