Parenting 101

Lesson 1: The Parental Role

Honesty: Mixed Messages

Honesty! Such a lovely word. We’re all paragons of honesty right? When we see that extra 10 pounds in the dressing room mirror, we tell ourselves we’re getting fat don’t we? Or when dotty old Aunt Ethel asks us about the purple and orange hat she’s wearing, we say yucch right? NOT! What we tell ourselves about the 10 pounds is “hmm, must be water retention, or those pants must have shrunk”. Aunt Ethel is assured she looks lovely in the beastly thing.

We’ve all done this one: the phone or doorbell rings, you hiss frantically to spouse or children, “tell them I’m not home”, as they follow you down the hall, phone in hand. These are the “little white lies”, spoken either to avoid embarrassing ourselves or others, or to get out of something we just don’t want to do. How do you justify this type of white lie to your children? In the case of an Aunt Ethel situation, it is better to explain that sometimes it is wise to either not say anything at all, or offer a minimal comment. You may be able in perfect truth, to tell Aunt Ethel, you love purple, or you love hats.

In the case of the phone or doorbell, I have now learned it is better to answer myself and say briefly that I am tied up, but will call back or pop by later. Once I began being more honest, a lot of my children’s lying stopped cold. It’s not easy, believe me I know. Most of this type of lying is done out of fear of confrontation. But once you start being more assertive about your need for privacy, you find a sense of liberation. Your children need to see you trying to be honest yourself before they can be expected to understand how important honesty is.

Major dishonesty has a crippling effect on children. Honesty and accountability are part and parcel of being a mature adult. When children see adults lie about feelings, finances or behavior, it sends the wrong message. How can we expect our children to grow up to be responsible ethical adults, if they see us lie to ourselves and others?

Exercise: How often have your children heard you or your spouse lie? Have they ever heard you take responsibility for negative behaviors? The next time the phone or doorbell rings, try answering it and saying honestly that this is not a good time for you to talk.

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