Parenting 101

Lesson 1: The Parental Role

Anger: How Do You React When Angry?

When you get angry, how do you show it? Are you a plate smasher, door slammer or shouter? Or do you go cold and silent, withholding affection? How you communicate your anger has a direct impact on your children. Getting angry is a part of our human condition. We all get angry at one time or another. But as parents, we have a responsibility to teach our children how to manage their own anger. How then, if we can’t or won’t manage our own, can we realistically expect them to learn to express anger appropriately?

Although anger is perfectly understandable to children, adult anger unleashed is often truly terrifying. The sight of a red-faced screaming adult, slamming doors, kicking furniture or worse, sends a very negative kind of message. A neighbor of mine routinely acts out his anger by kicking his truck, throwing his tools down and shouting loud enough to be heard 10 blocks away. His 3 children are his exact duplicates when angry.

On the other hand, silent anger can be twice as destructive in some ways. The withdrawal of affection, the refusal to speak, tells the child: “I better be good, or Mommy/Daddy will stop loving me.”

How much more positive it is for children to see adults trying to resolve issues through talking it out. Even taking a time out and coming back later is better than nothing. Learning to compromise and negotiate is a valuable tool for children. If they see that it isn’t about winning or losing, but about meeting in the middle, they begin to learn the art of cooperation.

Does this mean we should never get angry in front of our children? No. But, when you do, try and make a point of settling the argument quickly, followed by some genuine affection. In our home, Dave and I periodically have a spat over some chore. What we do is quickly put a bit of distance between us. I usually go to the garden, or just wash my face. We then meet back in the family area, apologize, hug, and it’s over. Usually one or both of us, tell the children we were acting stupid, and hug them too.

Don’t involve children in your arguments. Keep negative or cutting remarks about your spouse to yourself. It is unfair to ask them to take sides. They love and need both of you.

Exercise: How would you describe yourself when angry? What effect does it have on your children?

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