Lesson 5: Coping with Depression

Our Journey

Beth Ann Baxter MD has had to battle schizoaffective disorder. She considers herself one of the lucky ones, having overcome a suicide attempt and numerous hospitalizations. She has responded well to the drug Clozaril and is poised to become a practicing psychiatrist.

In "Recovery: Embracing Our Demons" in "The Gift of Depression", she writes: "The Book of Romans in the Bible tells us that it is through our suffering that we gain spiritual gifts of perseverance, character, and hope ... We gain a type of strength that most 'normal' persons in our society find difficult to achieve."

Such as acquiring a "mystical third eye of sorts." Did I mention I'm in the book, too? My payoff for all those lonely years of darkness, I write, was real Jedi power and a rich inner existence, not to mention "a humanity and godliness I would not exchange for a winning lottery ticket." Still, I'm not sure if this is adequate compensation for a marriage flaming out on me and experiencing a manic blowout jobless in a strange country and later ultimately finding myself reduced to nothing by the same unseen malevolent force that lays waste to so many of us and the people around us.

Nevertheless, I saw fit to call my little piece, "Something to Be Thankful For." It's the truth, but an ironic truth - of hope inside despair desperately seeking resolution - just like "The Gift of Depression."

Many spiritual beliefs teach us we pick the lives we're born into, and many times I have played the scene in my head, of me a half century ago ready to disembark the godly planes as I negotiate with my cosmic broker the terms for my upcoming earthly existence. I have been singled out, he informs me.

I can have all the worldly success of a George Bush Republican, he lets me know. The catch is I will BE a George Bush Republican. The other path, he tells me, leads to a deeper humanity and spirituality through a trail of a thousand sorrows.

I am clearly being honored. Precious few souls, I realize, are presented with such spectacular options. Nevertheless, I find myself trying to strike a better deal.

Can't I have the spirituality and humanity, I ask, with the Republican success, without the sorrows? And the cosmic broker only laughs. He sees my hesitation, then presents me with another choice - of a successful but modest professional life, a family, security, perhaps a light karmic obligation or two. He catches the wistful look in my eyes, of a simple dream denied by someone who has already made up his mind. He reaches over and hands me the thousand sorrows documents, which I sign without reading.

God, I hate you! I hear myself crying out many years later. But God doesn't hold this against me. God knows the deal, even if you and I can only imagine it.

The next lesson looks at coping in its most extreme environment - that of a suicidal crisis.

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