Lesson 3: Coping: the psychological aspects

Raise That Self-Esteem

• Treat yourself. Take a time out with a good book. Or a bubble bath, or a walk in the woods. Enjoyable activities put us in a more positive frame of mind. Exercise is good for depression.

  Important - don't let yourself slink into slobdom simply because you're feeling draggy and not getting out and about much. Get dressed every day whether you feel like it or not. Not in sweats either. Wear something that is comfortable but makes you feel good. Put on shoes (one more disincentive for crawling back into bed.) Put on some make-up and jewelry if you wear it. When you accidentally catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror you will see someone who looks "together" - not a "disabled" person. It makes a difference in how you view yourself. Honest.

• Speaking of disability - do not think of yourself as disabled, even if you manage to get disability benefits. You are not disabled. You can still do a lot. You simply have a disability - certain things that don't work as well as they used to.

• Set aside a day to pamper yourself. Most fibromites have trouble treating themselves. It's as if they don't feel that they deserve it because they are no longer performing at the level they once did. And many things that once were treats are now things we've been forced into - taking naps, resting, sitting back and reading instead of cleaning. They seem to make us feel guilty instead of pampered - although there is nothing to be guilty about in a situation that you can't control - like exhaustion and illness.

  But try a bit of grooming-type pampering once a week. Take time to blow dry and style your hair. Give yourself a pedicure. Put on some makeup or use the expensive soap or shampoo that you tend to save for "good." Dab on perfume. Put on something especially nice even if you're not leaving the house. Go get a good haircut. Put on a facial mask. Once these things start to happen you'll find that your esteem levels rise and you want to do more things that are good for you - like light exercise, or eating more healthily. Try it. It works.

• Get the word "guilt" out of your vocabulary. You can only be guilty of those things that you have choices about. If you have no choice - if you can't do something because of pain or exhaustion - then you are not guilty of anything.

• Do something for someone else. Fibromites are big on introspection. Doing a favor for someone else does wonders for our self-esteem. It forces us to go outside of ourselves. It proves that we can do more than just "handle" our own small lives. It doesn't have to be big. Send someone that isn't expecting it a letter, or a thank you note. See if you can't get involved in something non-fatiguing, like reading books to the blind on tape. Find something a friend or family member covets of yours and give it to them - just because.

• Realize that it's OK to ask for help. I've always thought I had to do it all myself. But I discovered my husband actually liked being asked for help. He felt needed. Don't hesitate to get help with the housecleaning if you can afford it - even someone once a month to do the heavy cleaning. Try the local colleges - students always need to earn extra money and can be excellent cleaners, no matter what their dorm rooms may look like,

• Make lists. Write down everything you like about yourself. List all the things you like to do and can still indulge in. If you're depressed make lists of what depresses you. Take that out when you are in a good time and see if you can do anything about those things. And make lists of things you enjoy doing. When you're depressed you'll forget those - so take out that list, select one thing - and DO it!

• Keep a Journal. Keep track of good days and bad. Rate your pain on a scale of one to ten and describe where it hurts and what feels better. Make note of things like weather and what you did and ate - anything that might somehow affect your symptoms. You should eventually see a pattern emerge. This will help you to take control of your FMS. Taking charge, having a feeling that there are things you can do - or avoid - that will help you live better will also be great for your self-esteem.

• Accentuate the positive. Don't compare yourself to others without fibro - that makes you feel deficient. Look inside yourself; dwell on those talents you can still use. In fact, instead of thinking about all those things you can't do anymore, make a list of all that you still CAN do. You'll be surprised.

• Set priorities. Look at all the things you think you need to do. Must they be done? Which are crucial? Which can be put off. Which are just you being hypercritical or perfectionist. Do what MUST be done - and ask for help if you need it. Just remember - work when you feel strong - but pace yourself. You don't have to do it all - and certainly not all at once. Try working in short bursts. Set the timer for 15 minutes and see how much you get done. Then rest. Then set the timer again if you have the energy. You can get far more done in 15 minutes than you'd ever imagine.

• Forgive Yourself. You are who you are. You have more important things to worry about than what others may think. If they can't accept you for who you are, that's their problem, not yours. See what Tamara says about forgiving yourself.

• Identify situations that stress you. Then do your best to avoid them. If you can't avoid them, find ways to think about them more positively. Sometimes even knowing what stresses you helps - forewarned is fore-armed.

• Accept that depression is normal. Not only is there a physical cause but it's a natural reaction to our reduced lifestyle. You've been depressed before and will be again - but it always passes. Hang onto that thought. See how Marilynn manages.

• Laughter really is good medicine. Call someone who makes you laugh. Rent a comedy film or watch a TV sitcom you enjoy. It's hard to feel bad when you're laughing.

• Use Creative Visualization. This is a form of self-hypnotism. Picture yourself accomplishing things, being self-confident. You will find an exercise under the assignments for this lesson.

• Think positive. Even when things look bad, find something positive in the situation and verbalize it. It's a way to avoid excessive negativity - and it works.

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