Lesson 3: Coping: the psychological aspects

Learning Acceptance

Accepting fibromyalgia is similar to coping with the death of a loved one. It starts with denial. As happy as we were to get a diagnosis at last, we start thinking that maybe it's wrong. This can't be the way it's going to be from now on! We all go through it – although not everyones experience is identical.

When we finally realize that we DO have this albatross to deal with for life, we get angry. Why me?? Then we get depressed - usually for far too long. We realize our limitations, the things we can no longer do or enjoy - even the disappointments we have to visit upon family and loved ones. Our houses aren't as clean as they were. Our job performance has slipped.

We don't look sick - although we move a bit more slowly. To those unfamiliar with fibro we seem to be making much ado about a few aches and pains. That's depressing.

We need to move to the final stage - acceptance. Accept our limitations and see what we CAN do despite them. As Tamara explains, the road to acceptance can be difficult. But there is much that we can still accomplish. Here's how Mary does it.

How do we do that?

• Educate yourself and your family. Enrolling in this course is a good first step. Share these lessons with your family and friends. Knowledge is power. If you and those close to you understand your problems you can deal with them in positive ways. You may need to be quite blunt before others really grasp what you are dealing with. So get blunt. Barbe talks about how knowledge brings power.
• Find a support group. It's incredibly reassuring to discover people who know what you're going through - who have similar experiences. Support groups are not about wallowing in mutual misery. They are about understanding and coping. Check your assigned readings and additional resources for places to look. And please feel welcome to join my online support group - it's right on Suite.101.com and is a very active, upbeat yet sympathetic group. Don't let the activity scare you - they welcome newcomers gladly.

• Raise your self-esteem. Fibro victims tend to be over-achievers. We have had unrealistic expectations of ourselves all of our lives. It's time to get real. Set some new goals. They don't need to be large- just realistic. Instead of cleaning the garden, weed one flower bed. You don't have to be perfect. Ignore anyone who tries to make you feel guilty. You can only do what you can do.

  In fact here is a little trick I have learned. We can almost always manage to do anything for 15 minutes. If you're feeling overwhelmed with guilt about your house, choose one small area - a drawer, a counter - anything. Spend 15 minutes cleaning it out. Throw away anything you don't need or want. Give away anything that might have some value to someone else. (Put these in trash bags and give-away boxes.) Then stop. You'll be amazed at how much progress you can make in just 15 minutes a day. On good days - do it twice! For some extra help here and some real motivation to get your house and life under control check the FlyLady site. Most fibromites that I have directed here swear by it. I know I do - the difference it has made in my house - as well as my feelings of being in control - has been phenomenal.

• Seek medical help. It's no crime to find that you can't handle things all alone. If you need to, seek out a doctor who can help you come to terms with things.
• Learn to look for the silver lining. I know - it sounds silly, but if you try you can find something positive in almost any situation. In mine, getting fibro freed me to spend time on my writing- the career I had always wanted most. It takes me longer now, but hey - since I'm no longer teaching I have the time!

And of course you need to learn how to deal with stress.

Loni tells us how she copes. And Carol talks about how sometimes you can accept some parts - but not all.

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