"Just Say No"
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- jecakm
- Willow4
- lcw61
- mombryamy
- Juju57
- GAYLE22
- GAYLE22
- lilygarden
- kluke42
- b1gbankhank
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» jecakm - i tried the laundry thing.
i tried the laundry thing. i refused to do his laundry if he didnt put it in the hamper, he refused, didnt have any clean clothes so now he does his own laundry but tells everyone i ( a stay at home mom) doesnt even do his laundry. of course he leaves the first part of the story out that i just asked to not be his personal maid and have him put his clothes in the hamper. of course if i try to explain all this after he annouces to people that i dont do his laundry i just sound like the winey wife and it creates a scene, you know one of those husband wife arguments right in front of everyone because he would never let it go knowing that i will so as not to be embarrassed. so now he leaves his clothes wherever he wants, and just for my own sanity i put them on the floor in his closet because i am convinced he would leave them in the leaving room forever. he has to do his own laundry but he brings it up all the time implying i am a terrible wife for not doing his laundry. of course when i remind him why i dont do it he ignores me or changes the subject to another reason why i am a failure as a wife and mother. this has been going on for 2 years. he is that determined to win. he will not do it my way for anything.-- posted by jecakm
» Willow4 - Re: i tried the laundry thing.
In response to message posted by jecakm:I know how embaressing this can be, but I finally got to the point that I just don't care what other people think about my housework job. He's trying to manipulate you by "exposing" this to others. Have you tried rolling your eyes and then changing the subject? Once he figures out he can't get to you with it, maybe he'll quit doing this in front of other people. It will of course take time but be persistent in refusing to be embaressed by it. There is a reason for this and you both know it. There is not another soul who knows what is really going on in your house so they have no right to judge. If they have a half a brain they are going to figure there is a reason you don't do his laundry but everyone else's in the family. 
-- posted by Willow4
» lcw61 - Re: i tried the laundry thing.
In response to message posted by jecakm:When he starts in on what a terrible wife you are, just calmly and firmly say OUT LOUD so "everyone" can hear: "I do whatever laundry is in the hamper where it belongs. That's all I ask." You don't have to explain to any of them why you don't do his laundry. When you make that statement, they'll know. It's very simple.
-- posted by lcw61
» mombryamy - Re: i tried the laundry thing.
In response to message posted by jecakm:I know just how you feel. My husband feels I do nothing right and there is no way that I will ever be okay with him. I feel he has narcisstic personality disorder and he can not ever be wrong, apologise, be empathetic, or see anyone's point of view. Your husband sounds like mine. Am I right? I wish you well.
-- posted by mombryamy
» Juju57 - Re: Re: i tried the laundry thing.
In response to message posted by mombryamy:Well, it could be Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Most say that it has to be "officially" diagnosed but I say if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and smells like a duck, chances are, it's a duck! Here's an article I wrote on narcissism, and there are some links at the bottom of the page. The topic of NPD is covered pretty well here at the sutie, too, at Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Of course, you'll find lots of good info here at this topic! And, I just received a book I ordered from amazon.com entitled Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, by Susan Weitzman. She also brings out that abusers in upper-incomes are generally NPD. I've had experience with that, and it isn't fun. Best wishes,
-- posted by Juju57
» GAYLE22 - ON MONDAY APRIL 20TH 1998
ON MONDAY APRIL 20TH 1998 MY DAD AND I GOT INTO A FIGHT I STARTED GETTING MOUTHY AND MY DAD GOT MAD AND SLAPPED ME ON MY MOUTH AND I STARTED CRYING AND I TOLD MY LIFE SKILLS COACH JEANNINE DEAVILLE ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND SHE TOLD MICHELLE MCKNIGHT AT EASTER SEALS AND MICHELLE WROTE AN INCIDENT REPORT ABOUT IT I NEVER FORGOT ABOUT WHAT MY DAD DID TO ME THAT NIGHT IN 1998. I WAS 19 YEARS OLD AND GOING TO EASTER SEALS AND I WAS LIVING AT HOME THAT TIME.-- posted by GAYLE22
» lilygarden - lost for words
I am able to identify with the scenerios presented in the articles, I have a problem with some of the suggested responses, "I am bored with you" I used the bored word in front of my husband one time. "only boring people get bored" followed by a 30 minutes lecture."I don't follow orders" I told my husband this also the response was basically I knew nothing about compromise. I know nothing about partnership.
"not having any fun with you" oh my goodness, relationships are not fun. "relationships are about work and responsibilities" and "concerned about yourself and whether you have fun"
and this was in response to a concert I went to with two female friends first one I had gone to in 16 years when I was asked how it was I said it was fun.
I choose to keep my mouth shut.
response: i do not know how to communicate.
He has moved out but just gave me an 8 page letter which I made the mistake of reading.
belittling me from the time he first layed eyes on me. He wrote. when I first saw you you looked so sad. I thought I could save you.
-- posted by lilygarden
» kluke42 - Amen, Sister!
This is a great article. For years I fell into the same senario...doing it all...and taking the consequences when something didn't get done, or something went wrong. It took a long time for me to wake up. I am not saying we have to be the boss by any means, but we don't have to put up with that kind of abuse either. Our opinions and ideas are just as worthy as his, our lives and our needs are just as important as his. We do have to put our foot down and take a stand for what is acceptable or unacceptable. It is so much more rewarding to live in a marriage and have a family when both parties in the relationship know the boundaries. It continues to be a struggle at times, but "we've come a long way baby!" I work full time, go to school, and still manage to hold a family together. It took some re-arranging of my priorities though. I had to prove that I was going to take care of business, but that I wasn't going to be the one taking care of everything anymore....but at the same time...I would do things when I felt like it or when I wanted to. It has made a difference. Thank you for this article...I love it.-- posted by kluke42
» b1gbankhank - This is not totally true
All these people do is write what they know. So I understand why they say that they do. Just because this is happening people who all they know is VERBAL ABUSE are going to say its verbal abuse. I do this, I am one who no matter what isnt happy with anything. I am not doing this to be overbearing or to control or any negative reason. I just do it. Its a form of sarcasm which is a type of anger. And anger can be managed. Its been proven. Its been done. People seem to be able to beat anger problems but when you switch it to verbal abuse then there is no hope. I hope that you take the time to understand both and understand which you are really up against.-- posted by b1gbankhank
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