So, What is Abuse?
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- RECRUITER1967
- RECRUITER1967
- bell82
- dinkidi
- RECRUITER1967
- ididitiamfree
- dinkidi
- RECRUITER1967
- ididitiamfree
- ididitiamfree
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» RECRUITER1967 - Re: Can't Believe That There Are So Many Out There Suffering!
In response to Can't Believe That There Are So Many Out There Suffering! posted by Kate6:Dear Kate:
It is amazing how many women out there are suffering from battered women syndrom and abuse.
What really hurts me is that everyone loves them and thinks they are terriffic people yet they continue to abuse at home. My husband gets along great with everyone he works with and the community and shull. Yets he is very cruel to me.
Why is that?
He does attack me in front of one of our friends that comes over to visit every so often but he will be nice to others.
This makes me feel so much worse.
-- posted by RECRUITER1967
» RECRUITER1967 - Re: Re: Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener...
In response to Re: Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener... posted by luckyiamout:You are right, he wil kill me.
I was terribly abused on Saturday where he became very violent and in rage.
He actually was like a devil took him over. It was due to a missing fork that I had lost and could not find.
I thought he would of punched me or done somethign yet he held back but threw something at me two times and cursed me out.
I am just waiting for him to stab me or beat me up but why wait for that.
Thanks for the support
-- posted by RECRUITER1967
» bell82 - just understanding the emotional abuse
After being in a constant state of nervousness and sadness, I am coming to realize it is not my fault. My boyfriend is emotionally abusing me. He has found a reason for me not to be involved with almost everyone supportive in my life, and I buy into it because it causes less stress in the relationship. First it was my family, and now my friends. He actually believes that I am the cause for everything wrong in the relationship. Being the constant blamer is a huge sign. God forbid I'm in the bathroom and don't answer the phone the first time he calls. He constantly calls me a lair and a bad girlfriend. Even in the cases that I have caught him lying, he says I am at fault for starting a confrontation. I am over reacting. I am too sensitive. To him I am wrong, and I am wrong when he is wrong for confronting him. He tells me I am the reason for his stress. I can say two words to him that will set him off on hours of ranting and raving about how awful I am. I have been called every name in the book. The funny thing is that he will be screaming at the top of his lungs in the same sentence of accusing me of yelling at him. I don't know why I can't get out. Unlike everyone else who sees these men as being charming, everyone in my life as picked up of this guy being a jerk. That is why he wants to eliminate them from my life. Even at work, everyone has heard him yelling at me and me trying to calm him down. God forbid I confront him about anything. I just started researching emotional abuse and figured out that is what is wrong with me. From the research I have done, he is a narcissistic controller. I could go on and on about the things he has done and said to me. He has even been physical with me and accused me of causing the abuse. I have lost all hope and happiness. I am not even interested in the things I used to be. Just like the nature of the beast, he has a dual personality. I need help getting out. I need help emotionally. Why I am still with him?-- posted by bell82
» dinkidi - Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to just understanding the emotional abuse posted by bell82:The best possible spin you can put on all this is you are not compatable with him. Boyfriends and girlfriends split up all the time and they get thru it. Incompatability is the only reason needed for a 'no-fault' divorce over here yet you are not even married to him. If you don't own the place...leave.
Aim to stay honest with yourself rather than try to understand his rationale..to research 'who' he is. You can always do that away from him and in calmer times. Giving up your friends does not reduce the stress in any mutually beneficial relationship...it only has relatively selfish benefits for one person, not the couple. And the fact is, you both seemed stressed out so that's bulltwang anyway.
"I need help getting out. I need help emotionally. "..everyone in my life as picked up of this guy being a jerk"
Go back to your family/friends...ring a support group in your area. Does your police force have friendly female officers who can direct you to practical help & support?
Take care.
Jeff
-- posted by dinkidi
» RECRUITER1967 - Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to just understanding the emotional abuse posted by bell82:DEAR VICTIM:
INCOMPATABILITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING ABUSED.
NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE WITH AND THEY ARE VERY CAREFUL ON CHOOSING THEIR VICTIMS.
THEY WILL ABUSE THE NICEST AND INNOCENT PEOPLE THAT THEY KNOW THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT.
I AM SURE YOUR BOYFRIEND WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH IT WITH SOMEONE WHO IS TOUGH.
MY ADVICE TO YOU IS THAT NOT GIVE UP YOUR FAMILY AND PLEASE STICK WITH YOUR FAMILY AND TRUE FRIENDS.
GO FOR COUNSELING TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND.
GET OUT NOW. DONT MARRY THIS GUY, OTHER WISE YOU WILL HAVE MORE TORMENT AND IT WILL BE WORSE WHEN YOU SPLIT
TAKE IT FORM ME
I WAS IN THE SAME BOAT A YOU AND THEN I MARRIED THIS MAN AND NOW I CANNOT SEEM TO LEAVE HIM BECAUSE I FEEL I HAVE NOTHING TO HOLD ONTO.
I AM TRYING TO BREAK THIS VICIOUS CYCLE.
MY HUSBAND WAS ABUSIVE TO ME BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED AND I OVER LOOKED EVERYTHING,.
HE BLAMES FOR ALL THAT HAPPENS
HE HAS BEEN PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO ME AND WE HAD TO GO TO COURT TWO TIMES ALREADY.
DONT WAIT TO GET MARRIED TO THIS GUY PLEASE
I BEG U.
LOTS OF LUCK TO YOU.
-- posted by RECRUITER1967
» ididitiamfree - Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to just understanding the emotional abuse posted by bell82:You are still in it because they make you think you are crazy. I just got out of 19 years of bad marriage. I am still having a tough time getting my life together but I do not regret my descision at all. I am in counsling and it is helping. The world changes after you get away, for one thing it is the scariest most difficult thing to endure. I felt as if i was being asaulted by a hurricane and all I could do was try to avoid being hit by the debrie of his outrage. He truly turned into the devil. it felt as pleasant as chewing my own leg off to escape a trap! I lost a lot in the divorice I did not fight him on the money I just wanted the kids and my life although Ihad a lawyer and a restraining order so I got enough to start over. He was not overtly physicaly abusive, but when he realized that I was serious he made sure to scare the livin daylights out of me. Luckily for me he is a greedy person and would not jepordize his career. I would not say what you should do although I know that it will get better for me Everything is still to new and a little scarry.
You need to rid your self of guilt and be ready for anything when you decide to leave, it took me a long time. I started simplifing my life and he was the last bit of junk to go.
-- posted by ididitiamfree
» dinkidi - Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to Re: just understanding the emotional abuse posted by Bell & RECRUITER1967:Of course 'incompatibility' isn't synonmyous with abuse. The abuse is simply the far more compelling reason of the 2 to leave.
? stay for the endless confrontations, distress and life-threatening violence..or get a friend to help you pack your bags and go. Nothing worthwhile to put in your bags? Leave earlier.
Just because a victim's self esteem is shot to ribbons doesn't make the abuser any more intelligent in fact..or the victim stupid. It's one thing to feel disempowered after 49 years, 17 years etc of marriage per the many testimonials here. But to be in such despair with a boyfriend when marriage wasn't even mentioned...!? Seek professional help to regain the skills and confidence that are buried within you.
This has to be one of the most distressing situations. Short of dragging them out by the hair, friends/family feel powerless. I have a room available for my niece arrival unnanounced...and the capacity to pay the cabfare if necessary at any hour. My niece's mum ensured she got the message without alerting the abuser ie her boyfriend/father of her youngest kid. In her situation, he has hospitalised her & threatened to deprive her of this child and already limits her free access to him.
Is my niece in a worse situation than others here? It's all relative to the lack of self esteem. My niece still finds excuses to stay that are beyond us.
Whenever people attribute extra skills and intelligence etc to the abuser, they give more power to them.
"THEY WILL ABUSE THE NICEST AND INNOCENT PEOPLE THAT THEY KNOW THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH IT."
I appreciate the sentiment behind the above. But expressed another way, it's the same as saying the 'susceptible' person has no chance at all and if they have no chance, what's the point of hearing ""Don't do as I do...do as I say"
There has to be a way to demolish the belief the abuser has so much power and you, none. Idititiamfree succeeded and so can others. I have not been in the sort of abusive relationships described here although my late wife had paranoid schizophrenia.
My posts are about trying to convince people they may not be truly isolated..that help could be nearer than they think. And the hardest step is only the first one.
Take care.
Jeff
-- posted by dinkidi
» RECRUITER1967 - Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to Re: just understanding the emotional abuse posted by ididitiamfree:DEAR IDIDITIAMFREE:
THAT WAS A LONG TIME TO BE MARRIED HOW DID YOU COPE WITH 19 YEARS OF ABUSE? WAS IT ALWAYS ABUSIVE OR IT GOT THE WAY AFTER THE KIDS CAME. THEY SAY ABUSE COMES DURING OR AFTER PREGNANCY OR GET WORSE IF HAD STARTED BEFORE THE PREGNANCY.
SIGNED: RECRUITER
-- posted by RECRUITER1967
» ididitiamfree - Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:RECRUTER1967
I have started this response three times. It is hard to know where to start. The shortest and simplest answer is that I drank alot at times, this would give him something to threaten me with that he would take the kids,who are the most important reason for me to live. He would do very neglectful and stupid things and so would his mother when my children were ever in either one of their care. I Stayed because I was afraid that even if he had them every other weekend alone that some thing might happen to them. It was a vicious cycle his verbal and emotional abuse would escalate I would threaten to leave he would threaten to take the kids I would start to back down he would tell me he loved me even read a book or two that I would give him on anger or parenting and seem to try hard, he would say he was sorry and things would be ok for 3-6 months(actually I was always walking on eggshells)then it would slowly degrade into the same pattern. He also worked alot and took a lot of naps then he went to school and worked for four years. During these times I had worked and then quit to stay home when I had my second child.It really started getting bad after that. I ended up being almost a full time caregiver to his Dad who died of cancer and then my Father and then Mother who passed away recently.
That is another reason why I stayed I had people to take care of I never had time for my self, I became some what isolated because he treated me badly in front of others and generally acted like an idiot, I couldn't make freinds.
Now that I am out and even when I was married I know that I am actually a very strong person. Abusers pick on the kind and the strong because we think we can fix things and when you self esteem is low the best parts of your personality can be manipulated and used against you.
I feel stupid for staying so long and I am angry that I wasted so many years but I also have two incredible children who have beautiful hearts and I finished what I started when I decided to care for three people that had no one else. My consience is clear. And I still have some good years left to live.
One thing I now know though is when you decide to leave have a plan get counsling, get a lawyer a,restraining order if you think you need it because my husband went crazy. I am still trying to come to terms with his hateful behavior I am still in shock at how low he got. Part of me still believed that he had some kind of a heart but now I know that there is nothing there, and he will never change. They don't go quietly.
I know this is long and rambling but the past 19 years have been too.
-- posted by ididitiamfree
» ididitiamfree - just understanding the emotional abuse
In response to just understanding the emotional abuse posted by bell82:bell82
Don't ask why just get out, you can figure it out later, just prepare your self because when he truly realizes he has really lost control of you he will be uglier than you ever thought was possible. The depression is horrible that you are going through. My guess is that the reason you stay is because that he may be right it is you! If you fix those things he blames you for it will be allright. There were two years of my marriage that I did everything right I was working out I did't drink at all I got counsling for my deepest depression After seven months of caring for his father in our home untill he died.
It didn't work he still treated me like garbage.
Get out don't let him hurt you any more, please.
-- posted by ididitiamfree
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