So, What is Abuse?: Long Term Effects of Emotional, Sexual and Physical Abuse

» vmthibeault - Long Term Effects of Emotional, Sexual and Physical Abuse

I really need to get this out. I have never told anyone and am too embarrassed to tell anyone in person. Anyone that would ever be able to see me. I like this feeling of annonymity. Please, if anyone has advice that they can offer me, anything that they can say... Please... But where to start. The effects of any kind of abuse are long lasting, forever long. I have nightmares both awake and asleep of those things happening again and again. I drink because of it. It is ruining my relationship with my wonderful fiancee. I love him so very very much, but because I have a lot of trouble communicating with him and I lack the skills to deal with the emotions. I was sexually abused when I was a very young child. I do not remember much of it, but I remember telling my 1 year younger sister that it was ok for people to touch. I did not know that it was wrong. My parent caught us several times and never ever said anything. I used to go to school with fat lips and bruises and had to lie about what happened. My mother never ever would defend me against my father and I was the outlet for all of his agression. They both have done and do lots of cocaine and pot and who knows what else. I have been in the middle of both of their affairs with other people. Both of them confiding in me about these affairs. They have been coming to me for marital advice since I was in grade 6. I have never ever been told that I was on the right path, that I was great at something. I have basically been looking after myself since I was in grade 4 and probabaly even younger (I have a hard time remembering too much before than). We moved a lot. I went to 8 elementary schools and 4 highschools. I never touched pot until I was almost 20 and I drank for the first time just after I graduated from highschool. I have a high anxiety of loosing everything, but I tend to try to sabatoge my relationships by being too needy, and by pushing people away. I have not talked to my parents in almost a year now. They threatened to kill my boyfriend (we are now engaged) for no reason. I recently wrote them a letter telling them I wanted to start a slow relationship with them. Maybe start with some letters and test the waters. I have a lot of anger towards them still and I wanted to start out slow. My dad ended up in the hospital and needed emergancy surgery and they did not call me. They had my grandpa call me and tell me that they thought that I would hang up on them and that I needed to grow up. I have lived on my own since grade 12. I supported my self while going to school full time (1 year of grade 12 and 1 year of college) and not once have I received praise for being able to do this. My fiancee is so wonderful. He loves me to pieces, but he cannot stand my drinking. I understand. I get so drunk that I end up throwing up and am sick the next day as well. I want to be so much of a better person for him and I feel as though I am turning into my parents. I am so scared of him leaving me that I would rather sabatoge our relationship than feel that pain. Really though, I do not want to sabatoge it, I am happier than I have ever been. The last time that I got really drunk he told me that he was here for me this time, but there will not be a next time. I cannot do that. I cannot loose this wonderful awsome man who I am so blessed to be with. I have a hard time controlling my drinking though. It really depends on the situation, but the tough thing is that the situations that I do end up drinking too much in do not really have a common factor. I think that it may be that a thought crosses my mind and I want to dispose of it as quickly as possible so I continue to drink. I know when I should stop. I even mentally go through it in my head, but I ignore my self and others when I know I should listen to them. I need to start to take responsibility and I need to start to recognize what is going on in my head that I feel the need to continue this. Thanks to anyone who can offer some much needed support!

VMT

-- posted by vmthibeault