So, What is Abuse?

» RECRUITER1967 - is this abuse

In response to is this abuse posted by trust79:

Dear Trust79:
Was your husband always abusive? or just when he returned and started in about money.
Boy I can feel your problem. I have been married only 3/1/2 almost 4 years legally;. Was living together for one year and a half so over 5 years i have been with my husband. For the past year he has kept all the money in his name, has his own account. took away all my credit cards that he had me on his account. All because i had used the cards for too much money and ramped and went crazy. The same thing. I used them 90% for the house, bills, insurance etc.
Food mostly.
I hardly bought anything for myself and even if I did I thought I was entitled.
I did go overboard I am responsible for what I have done but What he has been doing is not right. He says that he cannot trust me with the money, he hides his checking account statements. Says he has no money but there is alot of money in his accounts. I know he is hiding some of his money through his corporations.
I am teeling you my story because I am suffering very badly. You have been married a life time but has it been abusive for all this time or just now.
My husband also tells me all the time I am incompetent, I can only do a certain job, I have no education, I am a f----- up which I dont want to write down due to profanity.
He always brings out the negative in me and much less the positive, he never liked me for who i am.
He even has hit me quite a few times in the past and now he has been telling me he will divorce me more than a few times. I know he does not love me anymore due to having him arrested twwice for domestic violence.
I am torn and I cannot seem to leave him
I feel I cannot live without him and my life would be so empty without him
I dont know what to do?
please help:

-- posted by RECRUITER1967

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» ididitiamfree - is this abuse

In response to is this abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:

To both of you,you should try asking your self these questions what type of person deserves to be treated the way that you are being treated?

Hopefully your answer would be something like no one deserves to be treated like this.

-- posted by ididitiamfree

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» meagain212 - why?

I WAS married for 10 yrs to a verbally and physically abusive man......divorced now for 3 yrs and have been in a 2yr relationship with Nate. Nate himself is divorced (wife had an affair and walked out), has sole custody of his 14yr old daughter, has moved around alot but finally ended up back living with his elderly mother who helps care for his daughter when he works nights.

At first the relationship was awesome, but for the past 4 months, he's been "moody" picking fights, playing the victim, not being there for me when i need support, not willing to get into deep discussions about our relationship. So we get into an argument and he either walks out or hangs up. I get the silent treatment for days and then he calls and acts like nothing ever happened. When i ask him about it, he feels he has nothing to apologize for that he's done nothing wrong.......

i'm so distraught - i want all this craziness to end......but i love him and all the good qualities he brings to the relationship....its this Narcisstic behavior that surfaces and it spirals downhill from there......

For years I tried to figure out what i ever did to provoke this....and after a while i actually believed it was my fault.....after my divorce i adopt a loving attitude, non-violent, non-argumentative because i had so much of that in my life for so long.....Nate and i have talked about this at great lengths and i felt he was on the same page.......then just 4 months this craziness started and he's no longer the man i fell in love with - but i can't seem to walk away no matter how much i break it down and know that i deserve better......

-- posted by meagain212

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» SadnKansasCity - Long Term Effects of Emotional, Sexual and Physical Abuse

VMT

Might I suggest you go out and purchas the book "Bad Childhood, Good life" ... It sounds like to me your parents tore up their "parent card" a long, long time ago. I wish you the best...!!! You're in my prayers.

In response to Long Term Effects of Emotional, Sexual and Physical Abuse posted by vmthibeault:

-- posted by SadnKansasCity

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» Veryan - is this abuse

In response to is this abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:

You have to be strong and either kick him out or leave him. If he refuses to leave go to the courts and get something called a non-molestation order it not only means that he can't harrass or threaten you but he also can't solicit anyone else to do so. I know its hard but he has already gone from just being controlling and verbally abusive to hitting you where do you think he'll stop, when he's put you in hospital. You have to stop the abuse before it reaches a level where it is out of your control. Take action before its too late. If he does leave and you are struggling for money there is a loan that you can apply for from your local authority its called a crisis loan and you pay it back when you can and as much or little as you want. Whatever happens though remember that Domestic violence and abuse is never right and that no matter what anyone says you are a fantastic and strong human being and that even if you can't match him in physical strength you are more strong minded than him and no-one should have to be abused there is so much support out there for people like you so take the leap and do the right thing get the problem sorted

-- posted by Veryan

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» Tsunamisurvivor - is this abuse

In response to is this abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:

Please dont dispear. They are masters at making us think we will never, or could never survive without them. It's a lie. I have been in two of these relationships, for a total of 25 years. I have less education than both of them, less support, and less power, but I am surviving. You have everything it takes to be a winner, happy and needed by many other people other than him, dont waste your heart. Loneliness, or aloneness, is a time to get truthful with who you are. I made a choice when my time came, to journal. I wrote of everything I thought, desired, remembered, and I continued to write until the repetition was sickening, but today I am free, free to be me and all that I was created to be, dont fear, JUST DONT FEAR. you are a valuable human being and people need your love the honest caring person that is deep within you. he is not God. the only person we are to worship is GOd. You are a very valuable person, that if he doesn't value, there are many people that will, dont waste who you are.Focus on the attentions of one who values you more than His own Son, He died for you.

-- posted by Tsunamisurvivor

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» Tsunamisurvivor - Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse

In response to Re: Re: just understanding the emotional abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:

There might be a little bit or a lot of truth in what is being accused of you, but one thing is for sure, you dont want to be unhappy anymore, not for one more minute or one more day. when we get into these abusive, degrading relationships, we forget who we really are. We forget that we once started out as humans wanting to love and be loved. Dont waste time on wether he is right or wrong, stop persecuting yourself, because for sure, you have made mistakes, some because of him, and some as a response to your own issues, and history. Seldom, do sound healthy whole people tolerate or stay in abusive relationships. So dont worry about what he is saying about you. Wake up tomorrow, because it will be a new day, take responsibility for who you are and what you want, stop blaming, its wasted energy that you could be using on yourself, just decide. I am going to be the best and most happy person I can be, and go for it, he will persecute, pull you down, find fault, dont let him. I wish you well, stop listening to his lies. You are going to be fine, believe it receive it, and act on it. There are a lot of people out there who need you.

-- posted by Tsunamisurvivor

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» Tsunamisurvivor - Re: Re: Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener...

In response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener... posted by RECRUITER1967:

Oprah, says love doesn't hurt, and she is right. dont take chances. My husband broke my nose three times, my arm, fractured my sternum, put me in hospital, and says he will always love me? Well he might but I wont.

-- posted by Tsunamisurvivor

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» Tsunamisurvivor - Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener...

In response to Re: Re: Wow...what a eye-opener... posted by Tx_Tornado_:

You are an incredibly courageous woman, and he will never put you through more than you can handle, even though at the time you might ask why Lord me? is there not someone else out there that you can use?? Be proud that you have stood your tests, and may well stand some more, but that He will use you to uplift and encourage others. trust Him for your children, when they do not have a father, to teach them right from wrong, always remember He created them turn to Him always, He will never leave you or foresake you. You are an incredible person, be incredible to those around you. I wish you well and know that there is someone praying for you on the other side world. God be with you always.

-- posted by Tsunamisurvivor

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» Liquidadrenaline - is this abuse

In response to is this abuse posted by RECRUITER1967:

I too can feel for your problem. I left a 28 year marriage last year due to abuse and not only his, but mine as well. My husband was no longer attracted to me sexually and I just could not figure out why. I was so deeply hurt. We last were intimate when I conceived my youngest and he is 22 years old now.

His work was very important to him and took him away for long periods of time and often he worked late into the night. My kids, when they were small, seldom saw their dad and essentially I brought them up myself, in the best way I knew how.

When my husband was home, he never seemed happy unless we were doing what he wanted. He controlled the purse strings and even insisted on grocery shopping, which I later came to realize was controlling.

He bought a sailboat (I am terrified of sailing), he bought a car with a stick-shift, I only drive automatic and finally he bought a motorcycle, which was never something I wanted to do. He told me he was taking care of himself and it was his turn to live, yet he would not leave and still resides in *my* house.

I might add that I have 2 disabled sons and a lot of my time was spent shuffling them between school, doctor's appointements and therapy sessions. My husband attended the meeting(s) at first, and then told them he would no longer join in. Not even for the parent group which I found most helpful, so I did it alone. Prior to my boys being diagnosed, my husband would anger easily when stressed out, after the diagonis, well you know, more verbal abuse ~sighs~.

He would pick on the kids and say horrible things as they grew. Some so horrific that it is almost impossible for me to understand why I stayed and allowed my children to hear such vulgarities. "Let me rip off your head and *hit down your neck" was one of things he said, and other sick statements telling them they are losers and will never amount to anything. I realize he was using them as pawns in his sick and twisted mind.

I stayed because I was trying so hard to fix things, instead it made things worse. When he was nice, he was a warm and a compassionate man. It was like living with two different people.

I found myself getting meaner too. I was beginning to abuse him, verbally. Tit for tat so to speak. But it got worse. I could not even look at him without hurling abuse his way and when I finally could take no more I left and did so because I could not continue to verbally abuse another humanbeing. It is a time in my life that I was ashamed of who I had become.

I left after that 28 year marriage and. He is living in *my* big beautiful house, while I am in a condo. My eldest son is in treatement and does not live at home and my youngest (22 yeard old)lives with my ex and rents out the apartment in the basement. He is refusing to leave for a couple of reasons that are not pertinent to this discussion, but assure you I am worried sick about his refusal to leave.

There you have it. Abuse is a soul zapper, it is not your friend. It took away my hope and dreams for the future and even paid me a visit while I tried it on for size. No, Abuse is the enemy and I need to surround myself with new people, new things and a new outlook. Good luck out there, it's a rat-race.

-- posted by Liquidadrenaline

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