Intimacy and Abuse: Master/Slave relationship?

» ruby43 - Master/Slave relationship?

My situation may not be as bad as others, but could be of equal importance. Over many years of marriage to this man, I was treated as inferior, less capable, and basically as the "submissive" and "obedient wife". I did not adhere to much of this, which inevitably resulted in many of our problems. I knew this wasn't how it was supposed to be. I spoke up more in the last several years, creating a situation where I was labelled by him as "rebellious", or "unwilling to abide", or "too stubborn". I have become an independent thinker, standing up for myself...and for what I believed as inappropriate. Our problems magnified once I began speaking up. He has told me that he liked it better when I was young, uneducated and naive to the world. It was my duty to serve him, honor him, and fulfill his needs, without any regard to my own needs. My voice and opinion were not of any importance. I had told him that this would be an acceptable situation as long as my needs and desires were also being considered...but only he mattered to him. Not me. He didn't want to work at it, or change, or compromise. He wanted his cake and eat it too. I was to be the one conforming to his wishes and expectations, without him having to do the same. As a result of my not accepting this, he has turned vindictive, wanting to hurt me any way he can...and trying to "punish me" for not conforming, or giving in. I have learned by my own efforts, that I do not have to deal with this. I never got any recognition or regard for decisions I made, plans, or ideas. Only his were to be the main ones to follow. He believed he had the ultimate "say-so" over the course our marriage, finances and future plans, would take. I got tired of being the insignificant one, with no consideration or value of who I was as a person and partner. Now that I have made an active decision to intervene and stand up for my rights...he has turned into a vindictive and bitter soul. But I cannot allow him to continue to control me, even indirectly now. I am working through these issues, and trying everyday to heal a little more. Life goes on...for real. His big issues usually revolved aroung sex and money. He said he had needs, and it was my duty as his wife to fulfill those needs, because he was the head of the household, and he owned me and could do whatever he wanted. It didn't ever matter how tired I was, or stressed I was, or even that I had my own career and financial resources. He actually would have been happy to not have me working, and depending totally on him, so that I would "have to" be submissive and obedient. He told me my biggest problem was that I thought I could be my own person...well, duh, I am my own person. He told me I couldn't and wouldn't survive without him. Well, I know better, of course...but it is the principle of it all. I am still scratching my head sometimes and asking "why" and "how"...but in time I am sure it will come to pass. I continue to seek support and understanding, and educate myself.

-- posted by ruby43