19 Year Old From Hell: Three (solid) years of a war zone

» TCJudi - Three (solid) years of a war zone

We have two sons, 19 and 22 years old. For the past three years our youngest son (19) has nearly totally broken off all means of parenting him. At age 16 he went from a kind, polite quiet young guy to someone who broke curfew, used drugs and alcohol, quit his weekend job, grades dropped significantly and has alienated everyone in our immediate family.

His 22 year old brother graduated from college last spring and is living home for awhile. He is appalled by the manner in which were treated by his brother. His brother moves by us quickly
and refuses to talk to us on any subject. He refuses to eat with us except for holiday meals. If we "prick his bubble" he explodes with loud horrible swearing and slams doors and throws things. He has kicked in our garage door twice.He has been enrolled in a local college but he dropped two classes and finished two classes with a decent grade in both.

I am terribly distraught by what has been done to our family unit. Everyone is under strain and we walk on eggs day and night. I am afraid of his anger and I do not feel comfortable alone in the house with him. My husband was always close to the younger son but even he has lost all patience with the situation. He appears to hate us and yet, all we have ever done is to show him love and to give him support. Our oldest son said our youngest was given a "Norman Rockwell" upbringing. We cannot fiqure out how things have become so out of control.

We have told him that he is free move out if he finds our home so difficult and yet he won't budge. In many ways he would seem like a puppy on a busy freeway. He does not possess the life skills to live on his own or even with friends. He refuses to go to a therapist. We're at a loss. We keep wondering if this is teenage rebellion but we can't imagine what he is rebelling against.

He seems like a very scared young guy but he is making family life miserable! How can we help him? Are his actions more to do with drug use or could this still be teenage rebellion? Or both?

-- posted by TCJudi