19 Year Old From Hell
- life_check
- kimmisun
- kimmisun
- Dontknowwhattodo
- carret
- lt2krox
- Lyn99
- Lyn99
- rojoelouder
- Lyn99
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» life_check - Re: To the Parents
In response to message posted by SmartShot:My advise to you is to turn them on to this web site. I have a 19 daughter who is going through loosing everything. She had everything going for her just as you do until about 8 months ago, and it has been a snow ball effect down hill ever since. When I looked at all the stories on this web site and saw so many parents in despair it was refreshing that you are seeking help too! Only because your parent's don't know how good they have it and they should do a life_check and wake up. Right now I am realizing that my life was my kids and now I have to find myself again. This may be what your parents are going through, I'm sure they put some of their life on hold to raise you, tell them to find something that they truly want to do that makes them happy, and maybe their excitement will open communication with you. You could also introduce them to things you like to do if you are truly grown up treat them as a friend along with a parent. I have 2 step children 22 & 23 (I raised from 5 & 6) that I have a great relationship with and we are now great friends too! Don't hold back learn to communicate with them no different than what all of us need to do with our problem children. And be patient. Good luck in life you are really fortunate.
-- posted by life_check
» kimmisun - Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 ye
In response to message posted by bigsis80:I have a 17yrr old daughter and a 19yrr old son, who have both given me troubles. I recently read an article in the March 04 Prevention magazine entitled "What Was He Thinking?" which may help us understand what is going on in the minds of our teens: ["The brain is undergoing more change now than at any other time, except just after birth, stretching from preadolescence through the early 20's." The
biggest changes are occurringg in the brain's prefrontal cortex,located right behind the forehead, which governs our ability to use logic, make sound decisions, and size us potential risks. This phenomenon may help to explain why one teen starts smoking even though she knows it will hurt her track times, and another shoplifts a pack of gum when he has $5 in his pocket. Your 16-yr-old knows, when he pulls out of the driveway on a Fri. night, that drinking and driving is dangerous and will get him grounded for life. Yet in a peer group, a heightened emotion, such as anger at being called chicken-trumps knowledge. Very likely he'll guzzle that pint of peach schnapps anyway. Ask him later what he was thinking, and he will honestly answer: "I wasn't."]
This article went on to give lots of other valuable advise, but the bottom line was: ["Be strong and be there. Today's teens require hands-on parenting like never before. Stand your ground when it's in your teen's best interest (and when you're afraid of being the bad guy, it's good to remind yourself that it truly is in her best interest}. Low-conflict chats are golden - look for every opportunity to start one."]
-- posted by kimmisun
» kimmisun - Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year old.
In response to message posted by deb4049:You did the right thing in kicking her out. It was the hardest thing that you ever had to do and you will second guess yourself for a long time, but you didn't have a choice. She didn't respect you, she wouldn't contribute to the family, and she choice her hateful boyfriend over you.
We had to kick our 18 yr old out because he wouldn't respect our family - was verbally abusive, came and went as he pleased, & skipped school to be with his less than desireable friends.
During that whole time we second guessed ourselves: Did we do the right thing? What if something happens to him? etc.
He asked to come home three months later, but before he came home we set down some ground rules: 1. See a councellor. 2. respect family members and no swearing. 3. let us know where you are going and when you will be home. 4. be responsible to yourself ie: school and your parttime job. 5. Pay rent of $10 a week.
He agreed because he finally realized that living piller to post wasn't all that it was cracked up to be and he had a loving family to come home to.
It hasn't been all roses - we have had our ups and downs but I firmly believe that you have to set down some ground rules, communicate, and let them know how much you love them.
You situation is different in that you are afraid for her safety with the boyfriend that she is with. But there is nothing that you can do because she chose to be with him. You can only hope that she will eventually come around and realize that she is better than that. If you taught her good values, then she will eventually come to realize you were only concerned for her well being. Don't give up on her. Try to talk to her away from him and keep it non-confrontational. Good Luck.
-- posted by kimmisun
» Dontknowwhattodo - Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year o
My son is also 19. He was a great kid at 17. Over the last 2 years he has gone downhill. Trouble with the law drugs you name it. If I kick him out he will only go with the very bad crowd. If I confront him he will get very angry and I will not feel safe in my own home. Much less keep him out. I lock him out he always gets back in somehow. He did not graduate has never gotten a job. His grandmother always makes excuses for him and pays his fines and such. She is a wonderful lady don't get me wrong. At this point I have no clue as what to do. That includes talking to another mother of one of his friends and between the two of us we come up with nothing. If you can give me any advise or choices please let me know.-- posted by Dontknowwhattodo
» carret - Torn between Husband and Son
We have a 19 year old boy still living at home. He had a drug problem a while back and spent 4 months at a rehab. I know all about "enabling" and the philosophy of alanon. My problem is that my husband and I are not "on the same page" when it comes to dealing with our son. I believe that he is an adult and should be responsible for himself and suffer the consequences of his actions (while living in our home because he can't afford to live on his own)...i.e. if he's always late for work, it's not our problem. It's between him & his boss. My husband believes that we should impose rules and restrictions on him to make sure he does the right things i.e. telling him what time to be home and what time to go to bed and what time to leave for work in the morning. My husband gets very upset if our son doesn't follow his rules. (He's a control freak)I don't think a 19 year old should have a 10:30 p.m.curfew during the week and a 1:00 a.m. curfew on the weekends. As long as our son calls on the weekends to let us know where he is and if he is coming home, I'm ok with that. If he comes home midnight during the week, I'm ok with that...my husband is not. He wants to ground him or punish him for any infraction of rules that I think are ridiculous. It is causing a great deal of tension and abusive arguments in our home. My husband and I are near divorce. Our son wants to move out but until he gets out of debt to his father and can save some $, he is not able to do so. My husband has been very overbearing and critical all of our son's life (only child) and I think now it is all coming to a head. I feel bad for our son....I think he could do better if his father would just get off his back and be more supportive. I find myself always in the middle. I don't want to have to choose between my husband and our only child. They are killing me....and I don't know what to do. Everytime I try talking to my husband we wind up in a huge argument. I want to let our son live his life and be happy...my husband just wants him out of the house, never to return. Any words of wisdom are welcome!-- posted by carret
» lt2krox - Re: Parenting the more than ......
In response to message posted by surefresh:I have read your message noticing that you have asked the very questions that concern me. I have yet to read any response except what SmartShot says below but really does not provide answers. If you have had any luck please let me know.
Much Thanks
-- posted by lt2krox
» Lyn99 - Re: Torn between Husband and Son
In response to Torn between Husband and Son posted by carret:-- posted by Lyn99
» Lyn99 - Re: Re: Torn between Husband and Son
In response to Re: Torn between Husband and Son posted by Lyn99:
I too have an 18 year old son who is putting me thru hell. He moved out 7 weeks ago after a huge confrontation about friends, curfews, rules - he
did graduate high school, was a member of the fire department and was working as a mechanic at a local car delearship only to quit both the fire department and his job to follow his derlict friends into construction. He now only works when the weather is good which isn't enough to cover his car insurance - he stopped by the house 1 day just to borrow 5.00 for gas. He's gotten numerous traffic tickets (careless driving, speeding) I feel like Mommy Dearest watching his life spin out of control - any suggestions on how to cope with this? It's so difficult to let him fail after spending 18 years keeping him out of trouble. Been to a psychiatrist who tells us to let him learn from his own mistakes - Tough Love is tougher on the parents than on the child. Help!
-- posted by Lyn99
» rojoelouder - Our troubled daughter
We have a 17 year old daughter that turns 18 in two weeks. We too, have had to allow her to leave through mutual agreement. This is the second time she has "moved out" although the first time was only for the weekend. She begged to come home and said she would do whatever we wanted to if we would just let her come back. We did, and things were different - for a while. Now, six months later, she has totally forgotten how horrible the first experience was and she has now been gone for two nights. She is rebellious, won't follow instructions, is a pathological liar, sexually active, and only picks the losers (smokers; drug users; gang-wanna-be's; and gay guys) to be best friends and lovers to. I do feel relief in knowing that she has at least been in someone's home overnight and not on the street, but am dealing with guilt that I don't want her to come home. We have three other children, ages 16-girl, 14-boy, and 3-boy. We have neglected the others for 4 years because of constantly dealing with the 17 year old's outbursts and defiant attitudes. Now, the house is peaceful, calm, and laughing. The other kids (at least the two older ones) don't want her to come home either. We tried to get help for her when she was 15, but couldn't seem to find any. I am relieved to see that I'm not the only parent with a troubled "teen" that is legally considered an adult, but how do I deal with the guilt - and will I ever want her to come back or even see her during the upcoming Christmas holiday?-- posted by rojoelouder
» Lyn99 - Re: Our troubled daughter
In response to Our troubled daughter posted by rojoelouder:
I too feel the guilt of not wanting my son to come back home - it would be a disaster again for
him to move home - I've been doing a little better over the past few weeks - we got a puppy
which fills the emptiness of my son being gone -
she's great therapy for us. Things just keep getting worse for my son - he was just laid off
from his job, blew the transmission in his car,
is in debt $2,000, isn't paying his car insurance
and it goes on and on - I feel horrible knowing
he's spinning out of control and I can't help it.
And yes the holidays are going to be very emotional - he said he was going to come over
for Thanksgiving and never showed so I'm assuming
he's doing the same for xmas - have a ton of gifts
for him already wrapped - what do I do with them
if he's a no-show? Good luck to you and keep me
posted - it's relief knowing there's another mom
out there with a broken heart -
-- posted by Lyn99
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