19 Year Old From Hell

» lostwithoutson - Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 ye

In response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year o posted by Dontknowwhattodo:

Dear Dontknowwhattodo:
My son became uncontrollable at age 17. Although very smart, worked in church, very athletic, gifted artist, extremely handsome, participated in positive social activities, he suddenly quit school, lied, hit on his younger little sister, hung around the crowd that smoked weed and did not go to school. He was defiant to all authority and to me. His grandmother always interferred with my discipline with him when she visited us and let him have his way until his disrepect became so large and he was extremely angry. I took him to youth court and he received counseling and anger management classes. He went to jail for the first time at 20 and a half years old and then he went every month for 5 months for domestic violence with his then pregnant girlfriend and possession of weed. I even had to move out of my apartment because management had warned him about the guys he hung around with for 4 years and tried to work with me because I was a good tenant and thought I would regain control of him. He would not listen to no one and he had many other positive influences that tried to make a difference and support him. My lease could not be renewed because of him and these guys being arrested outside of the apartment with drugs in the middle of the day while I'm at work. I had thrown him out for 2-3 weeks at a time but took him back after his pleading that he had no where to go. He called me bitches, MFs, say F-U to me. I tried to get him to go to different programs, he refused. I wrote him letters, do things just with him and me since he accused me of not treating him like I do his younger sisters. I would use my lunch break to pick him up to go to GED school twice a week and I would have to look all over for him or he would lie and say the instructor said not to come that day until I found out later this was not true. I had high blood pressure, breast surgery and gave him deadlines to decide on a route to take in life because I was moving to the city and he needed a plan for his future but deadline after deadline passed. I took off work and took him looking for jobs and we would get into it because he wanted the best paying jobs and only day shift without even a hi-school diploma. I have helped many other youth with jobs, career planning, taught them sunday school, as well as him, and they would tell him that they didn't know how he could treat his mother the way he did because I went above and beyond to help anyone and that their own mom would not even do 10% of what I did for him. My daughters and I were in constant turmoil anytime he was around. Our vacation trips were ruined. He would be angry and argue with me about anything. If I said a color was blue, he would insist that it was purple. Although I thought I had raised him to the best of my ability, I tried new ways, not so traditional and that were geared to today's youth. Nothing worked. He had 2 sons during these horrific times which I contribute taking care of monetary and allowing to leave with us to help the mother. He was not in school, not working and would not stay at home to keep his son. To help me, my junior-hi daughter spent countless nights up with my grandson because my son was in and out of the house. We moved to the city so that I would not have to worked so hard (2 jobs) and be around family support. After a year, my son was killed in the middle of the morning (3:30am) when guys broke in the apartment where he stayed with his cousins off and on and as he ran out of the bedroom down the hall to help his cousin in the living room who was being beaten up by these guys, my son was shot in the upper thigh and died at the hospital during surgery one hour later. The bullet had travel up the groin and hit an artery. He was 22 years old. The last day I say him was his birthday (five days prior) but talked to him over the phone the day before. He did say he was sorry and that he loved me and his sisters and I told him that we loved him, too. This horrible event happened one month after my mother died of an heart attack not to mention a very other close relative (the cousin's mother) 5 months prior. His cousin was shot twice in the lower back but was discharged from the ER after an MRI revealed both bullets had gone straight thru him. Needless to say, one of the two cousins sold drugs for many years and so this was not the best of environment for my son to be but he always chose to be around the wrong crowd. His death has been 5 months now, I am torn and my heart remain heavy as it will for a very long time. No matter what, I still feel guilt and wake up with a broken heart everyday. I hope that your son gain control over his problem with the law and drugs and not let the drugs or anything control him as we all should never allow anything to control us that is not positive and prevent us from edifying the body of Christ.

-- posted by lostwithoutson

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» TCJudi - Three (solid) years of a war zone

We have two sons, 19 and 22 years old. For the past three years our youngest son (19) has nearly totally broken off all means of parenting him. At age 16 he went from a kind, polite quiet young guy to someone who broke curfew, used drugs and alcohol, quit his weekend job, grades dropped significantly and has alienated everyone in our immediate family.

His 22 year old brother graduated from college last spring and is living home for awhile. He is appalled by the manner in which were treated by his brother. His brother moves by us quickly
and refuses to talk to us on any subject. He refuses to eat with us except for holiday meals. If we "prick his bubble" he explodes with loud horrible swearing and slams doors and throws things. He has kicked in our garage door twice.He has been enrolled in a local college but he dropped two classes and finished two classes with a decent grade in both.

I am terribly distraught by what has been done to our family unit. Everyone is under strain and we walk on eggs day and night. I am afraid of his anger and I do not feel comfortable alone in the house with him. My husband was always close to the younger son but even he has lost all patience with the situation. He appears to hate us and yet, all we have ever done is to show him love and to give him support. Our oldest son said our youngest was given a "Norman Rockwell" upbringing. We cannot fiqure out how things have become so out of control.

We have told him that he is free move out if he finds our home so difficult and yet he won't budge. In many ways he would seem like a puppy on a busy freeway. He does not possess the life skills to live on his own or even with friends. He refuses to go to a therapist. We're at a loss. We keep wondering if this is teenage rebellion but we can't imagine what he is rebelling against.

He seems like a very scared young guy but he is making family life miserable! How can we help him? Are his actions more to do with drug use or could this still be teenage rebellion? Or both?

-- posted by TCJudi

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» worry417 - Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year old.

In response to Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year old. posted by deb4049:

my heart goes out to you. I too have a 17 yr. daughter-out of control. We recently relocated to
another state,to better our lot we thought. Our daughter who never misbehaved has connected with a
punk style delinquent 19yr. old. He was found in her bedroom, my husband called the police to get a restraining order. She runs away with him and then returns with no remorse. She has cut herself, she's in therapy, she will be attending an alternative school next week. My heart is broken,,, this is a nightmare,I don't have energy to attend to my three yr old. My husband yells with rage, I'm sick of this way of living. where is your daughter now?? how does she support herself? Do you talk? My prayers are with you.

-- posted by worry417

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» kaleb_smyth - Three (solid) years of a war zone

I can sympethize with your plight...I was the same way when i was younger, however i managed to respect my parents even though i disagreed with them and at 19-20 i held full time jobs and did pay rent to live at home. Now 30 yrs later i find myself in the same position. I have a 19 yr old step daughter who moved out 6 months ago, and she told my wife today that her roomate cant stay with her in the apartment anymore. My stepdaughter works 2 jobs, and is active in church, however most of her high school years she was atognistic, combative, and abusive toward her younger sister and myself and her mother. She never used drugs or alchohol to our knowledge and was even in the choir in high school. It seems that all the trouble started when she joined this church, whose doctrines werent mainstream to my baptist background. My wife encouraged her, and bent over backwards to make sure she attended. From my own perspective, just looking in it seems that these church folks were church in name only. I notice alot of 19-20's yr olds carry a mentality of " you owe me something"..this was a never ending story. I was abused so bad verbally by my wife and oldest stepdaughter about her getting a vehicle, that i went into debt to do it. Did my stepdaughter respect me afterwards??? NO, it got worse....When i was younger i learned that if you worked hard and saved your money you got things...not this generation. they want it all..My step daughter was under the impression that she could stay out late, come and go as she pleased, sleep till noon, and make messes in the kitchen and bathrooms, and just leave it for someone else. Unfortunatley my wife never spoke to her about the disrespectfull behavior, and when i tried to i was scolded for telling her to clean up after herself. This went on for years....all through highschool. I also noticed that these so called " friends" she hung out with were very snotty, and disrespectful to elders, and apparently my stepdaughter thought as her rich friends did that " mommy and daddy would just buy her everything"...The final coup d grace' came after she willfully dropped out of college, laid up in bed for months till 2 pm, sulked around the house and disappeared for hours till 2 am with her friends...Of course i submitted her to the good ol' drug and alcohol test' when she came in....THe point is this, when they reach the age when they refuse to help do dishes, take trash , or even their own laundry, and then claim they are not treated fairly...KICK EM OUT, let them see how tough it is on the outside, and as one lady had stated if they do move back home make them sign a contract and stick to it...That includes meals, dishes, cleaning, finding a job , etc. This worked for us in the fact the my stepdaughter was told if she didnt want to attend college, then she had to find full time employment ( YIKES) she didnt like that at all, and what was funny just to prove us wrong she went out and got 2 jobs, to say " Hey im better than you" hahahha, reverse psychology works!....If they wont abide by the rules then, i would forcfully suggest that they be removed by law enforcement.....this really gets their attention, and when they are setting in the park, looking for something to eat....well...you get the picture...God Bless! I pray everything works out!

-- posted by kaleb_smyth

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» maryk213 - Our troubled daughter

In response to Our troubled daughter posted by rojoelouder:

We have a 18 year old daughter with similar problems. She has "moved out" numerous times, we get weak and let her come home. The last time she came home, we allowed her to bring her 20 year old recovering heroin addict with her to live with us. He was homeless, we fed him, clothed him and found him a job. The first week was fine, then downhill we went. He could not work because he was too weak, could not go to arehabb program because it felt like jail. We had to have police intervention to havehime removed after we found out he was convicted for violent larcenies!! My daughter is now with him, out on the streets. She was a 4.30 weighted GPA student, now with only 20 days of school left, will not graduate. We are trying tough love, not calling or looking for her, boy is it hard.
Is this guilt feeling normal that we disomethingng wrong? I also fear that my husband will become weak again and give into her for the 100th time. Please write back

-- posted by maryk213

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» beentheretoo - Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 year old.

In response to

She will, but stop trying to get a hold of her. This is giving her power over you. You did what we all have done, some regrets but some not she did it not you. As hard as it is you must continue and she will come back.

-- posted by beentheretoo

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» ree40 - Parenting the more than

I just found this web-site and I think it's a good thing for parents. Raising teenagers in today's world seems to be so hard. Unfortunately they don't come with a book. I am a single mother raising two daughters at home. I have a son who is 23 years old and has been in prison for the last 5 years. He'll be released next year Thank God for that. I thought my 2 daughters would learn from his mistake. unfortunately they didn't. My daughters are 14 and 16. My 14 yr. old last week took a bottle of pills and ended up in CCU for several hours, also caught her with a boy in the house having sex. She has so much attitude and talks way to much. Has no respect for me or her self. My 16 year old was just caught today trying to shoplift, was kicked out of school and has to go to alternative school and does not have a job and lacks motivation. This stuff is really hard. I keep thinking one day they will be grown and gone. But that will probably be more trouble. My 16 year old will be 17 soon and it's too late to send her off to boot camp. But I promise myself that I am going to get them both some counseling and me too. I want my girls to be productive adults and have more than what I did. I don't want them to be single parents. Does anyone have any advice.

-- posted by ree40

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» eva111 - Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 ye

In response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Parenting the more than out of control 19 ye posted by lostwithoutson:

I would like to say I am very sorry about your son dying. I am a single mom. I have a 19 yr. old son who has been smoking pot since age 11 apparently. We live in a neighborhood where the neighbors are all related and think it's fine to smoke dope and think everybody does it. My 23 yr. old and 19 yr. do it right with them. My son was almost killed in a car accident 2 years ago with one of his crummy friends. My son is cocky and disrespectful. He acted the roll of the class clown in school. I bought him a car when my mom died 2 years ago. This was a big mistake. I have allowed myself to become a doormat unfortunately for years. My son is now set to go to college and I have completed all of the necessary paperwork. He wants to move out and continues to knit pick about money and his $230 car insurance each month. He does work a job. For college he will be staying on the dorm. His attitude is that of a 14 or 15 year old spoiled brat. I feel depressed and guilty because I have tried to make things go smoothly. His father pays support. To me he would have been a better sperm donor than a man to marry me and have children. He left me and the kids when they were 7 and 3. He has not been supportive of me and has caused so much friction and has clanged in with the creepizoid neighbors on the street for years. He is a prison guard. Ha Ha! The poor inmates. I am going to try to stop being a door map and feel happy. I have an 11 year old daughter and I don't want her to grow up as disresptful as her brother and sister have. Sometimes I wish they could have walked in my shoes as well as the louse father could.

-- posted by eva111

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» welostcontrol - Three (solid) years of a war zone

In response to Three (solid) years of a war zone posted by TCJudi:

When reading your story I felt like I had almost written it myself. We also have a son who will be 19 years old. In the last two years he has made life for our family completely miserable. We have punch marks in many walls, he has put holes in at least 4 doors in our home, and pretty much breaks anything that is in his vicinity while going through his emotional outbursts. He has absolutely no reasoning skills, and goes from being Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyl in any given moment. He has been smoking alot of pot and dabbled in coccaine as well as ecstasy. We try to set boundaries for him which he completely ignores. We feel that we have lost total control over him and do not know how to get it back. We have tried to kick him out and he has come back begging, saying he has no where to go and we are not even sure if kicking him out is the thing to do. The only things important to him at this point are his job (thank god!) and his girlfriend. He cries suicide alot, and this is one of the main reasons that we let him back into our home. I don't think we could ever forgive ourselves if he actually took his life, yet he seems to be using this as a way of manipulating us. He will not go for any counselling because he feels that we have the problem not him. What do we do? Anyone with any answers?

-- posted by welostcontrol

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» johncblacker - Three (solid) years of a war zone

In response to Three (solid) years of a war zone posted by welostcontrol:

I know you don't want to hear this but you're perpetuating the problem by not taking a firm stance and your son knows he has you by the gonads! He's counting on you to take the heat and responsibility for his poor decisions and you're letting him do that. You've got to stand up for yourselves and take responsibility for your own well-being. See my site: http://blackerandassociates.com/
Check out my eBook. You have choices. You have to make some hard decisions and follow through. Your son has some choices to make, as well. The status quo is not acceptable. It's kind of like trying to pet a dog that's barking at you...how many times do you have to get bit before you say: ENOUGH! Also, you don't have to stop loving your son to do the right thing!

-- posted by johncblacker

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