Step Parenting an Out of Control Teen

Top 6. Jun 2, 2004 9:47 AM

» MamaBear8 - Out of Control Step Daughter

Hi All,

I'm new here. And I'm feeling a bit desperate. My fiance and I purchased a home together in February and are set to be married in three weeks.

He has three children - ages 20, 18, 16 (girl, girl, boy). I have three girls - 17, 12, 10. Until this week, everyone has gotten along great. Which with the number of kids in the house (all full time with us) is pretty amazing.

The 18 year old step daughter is out of control. She is on probation, and has a boyfriend that her probation strictly forbids her to see. In the past, before we all moved in, this boyfriend has stolen from the family, vandalized, and the list goes on. Why she still sees him I don't know, but that's another story for another time.

She snuck him into our home yesterday while she was supposed to be at work. This event led to her older sister calling the police. Throughout the course of the day, more lies were uncovered.

My fiance and I decided that she could not be left alone in the house during the day, and we made plans for me to drop her off to do her court ordered community service. He left for work, and I was to take her. One well placed weepy phone call from her, and the next thing I know, she's not going. I had to leave for work and she's still there.

I am so confused about what I should do. I know discipline is his area, but it is my home as well and I think I should have a right to protect it.

Any advice???? Please????

Mama Bear 8

-- posted by MamaBear8

Top 7. Jan 23, 2005 8:05 PM

» sue7775 - Re: How to discipline and rights for step parents

In response to How to discipline and rights for step parents posted by Tamc:

I'm a new stepparent of an 18 yr old who came to live with us in the country 6 months ago.
So I'm new at this disciplining thing and don't have all the answers. I'm learning like you.

Our young man is a chronic liar who is on probation for a crime he committed last year in Toronto. He not trustworthy so we can't leave him by himself. He was kicked out of his mom's for doing drugs and hanging around with a gang. I think his mom was afraid of discipling him because she never carried through on anything, instead would buy him stuff. So he's spoiled rotten and a real charmer and even at times has his father easily forget until I remind him of course and he snaps out of it.

Anyway,his father and I are finally on the same page about discipline. His father is not swayed by the kid's threats anymore and backs me up whenever I'm at home alone with him. It's taken 6 months to finally agree on 'how' and 'what' to take away each and every time this kid screws up, or gives me mouth -which is daily. We DO have to change our strategy often so he can't try to outsmart us. These are just (educated) suggestions because as I say I'm new at this but I had good parents.

#1 --You have the right to discipline your step children when their father isn't there because you are the parent and the remaining adult.

#2--Having your partner on your side is CRUCIAL otherwise the child will see the weak spots and try to pry your marriage apart. Your husband HAS to back you up EVERY time even over the phone! It shows your parenting is just as valid as his to your stepchildren! There is always room for an apology later if one of you is wrong.

#3---Your step daughter seems to be experimenting with 'Control' issues. (I'm familiar with that) She will continue to threaten huge consequences if you let her by reacting each time. A suggestion is to try to NOT react and /or let her carry through on her threats. (Try) Detach yourself emotionally, call your husband, keep him in the 'loop', walk away from her when she's emoting all that negativity. By ignoring her threats, shows your other kids threats don't work.

If she threatens to move out - let her, why not,she will see it's very hard out there in the world without money and shelter. I know it's hard to let them do it but my stepson stormed out the door on a frigid night just to come home several hours later more humiliated with his frozen tail between his legs. He hasn't threatened to do that since.

#4 Take away her freedoms and priviledges every time she gives you attitude or refuses to do what you ask.
My stepson refused, with alot of yelling and screaming, to shovel the driveway, so I took away his TV for a week till he smartens up. His father backed me up by going one step further, since he also missed a class and lied about it, he no longer has a stereo either. That means he can't watch the main TV or listen to our stereo either and he's finding that very difficult. He's sitting here sulking.

It's called "Tough Love". We love him, care about him, but enough is enough ! Show them who's boss as tough as you possibly can so that the younger ones get the message too !

So far we think it's improving slowly, everything takes time. You are lucky you had a relationship with this daughter when she was much younger, I've only been with my stepson's dad for almost 5 years. We have 18 years of bad habits to correct in him and it's going to take a long time and alot of tough-loving !

We are going to get some counselling though which can only make things better we hope.

Good luck

-- posted by sue7775

Top 8. Jan 2, 2006 1:54 PM

» StepDad - Re: Re: How to discipline and rights for step parents

In response to Re: How to discipline and rights for step parents posted by sue7775:

I'm the stepparent of a 14 year old girl. I see my own situation mirrored in so many posts. She is acting out, lying (she was diagnosed with a problem discerning reality from fantasy), swearing and breaking things in anger. My wife doesn't discipline, she ignores it or tells her to stop and gets ignored until it blows up. If I try to take the TV away as punishment for her cussing me out, mwfefe yells at me for taking over. we have a toddler (girl) together that the teen uses to drive a wedge between my wife and I. The teen constantly tries to over-ride my parenting of my daughter. I'm gettindeparatete. Divorce is looming in the future if we can't get a grip on this situation. My wife and I are icouncelingng. She had an abusive prior marriage and has an older daughter that was a teen mom and is living with her boyfriend and pregnant again. Thanks for any coping techniques/advice

-- posted by StepDad

Top 9. Feb 9, 2006 12:18 PM

» StepMom14 - Overwhelmed!

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 yrs raising my husband's two children from a previous marriage they moved in with their mother 2 yrs. ago My husbund also has another son from someone eles this son moved in with us July of 2005 then we have a son together (total 4 kids 18, 15, 13, 11yrs. old). We are about to move into a bigger house the older kids are wanting to move back in. I love my husband but since the oldest two went to live with their mother, I got use to having peace I never had due to my husband not disciplined them. I'm thinking about giving up on our marriage. it's just to stessfull.

-- posted by StepMom14

Top 10. Feb 18, 2006 10:38 AM

» justlovely - Too much to handle!!

Reading most of these post made me realize that my husband and I are not alone. In our family there are 4 children. Two are his from a previous marriage. I have one from a previous relationship, then we have our son together that is only 6 months old today actually. The oldest being the only girl the ages are 13, 10, 3, 6 months. My step son which is the 10 year old doesn't live with us. He is here every chance though when there is no school.
My step daugter is the one we are having trouble with. She just changed it seems over night. We have her in counciling but everything seems to be funny or a joke to her. She has been stealing, lieing, shoplifting, smoking, worshiping the devil (putting 666 and upsidedown crosses all over her room), sneaking out of the house and stayed out as late as four in the morning, Also caught her sneaking a boy in the house.
We dont know what else to do with her. It gets harder for me everyday. My husband and I will be married one year in March. We have lived together for almost three years. The kids loved me and were real happy at one time. I dont know how it came to this. So we have decided to send her to her moms to live. We dont know what else to do. It's a tough thing to do, even though I am just her step mom I will hate to see her go. I feel she is safer with her mom and can be watched over better. It;'s hard for me since I have 2 younger children to tend to.
My husband works most of the day from 9 a.m till 7 p.m. Sometimes later and it takes him till about 8 p.m. to get home. So I am home with the kids majority of the day. I just want to make sure that we are making the best decission. Any comments or ideas would be great.
Thank you,
Justlovely

-- posted by justlovely

Top 11. Jul 27, 2006 3:19 PM

» heartlesskid15 - her 15 yr old boy hates me

I am a 35 yr old women in a lesbian relationship. My partner, 36 has a 15 yr old boy. We have been together for 3 yrs now and he has done everything he can to make me leave. Her and I have had long discussions about me having a baby. I am not going anywhere, unless its with her. He tells me to pack my stuff and leave and that I am not wanted here. His mother is very lazy with discipline and we argue all the time cause I am sick of him and his mouth. He has no chores and does nothing but expects us to give him what he wants all the time.He loves making us argue in hopes I will leave. He has problems in school and gets suspended alot for his mouth. He cant keep friends to long either. I need some major advice. She is starting to back me up when he is mean and cruel to me. I am trying to stay with baby steps cause thats what it is taking but we need to progress with consistensy alittle quicker. She tries to turn it around on me as if I should just let him say and do what he wants. I am establishing my bounderies and I am declaring war on this child. He is about to make his life extremely miserable. Provided I do not get mad and scream back at him I can pretty much count on her to be in my corner. If anyone has any advise or in a similar situation please please please let me know.

-- posted by heartlesskid15

Top 12. Aug 9, 2006 12:29 PM

» johncblacker - her 15 yr old boy hates me

In response to her 15 yr old boy hates me posted by heartlesskid15:

Troubled teenagers are masters at manipulating others to suite themselves. Many parents have split up because of disagreements over how to deal with a troubled child. Unless you both can agree and be CONSISTENT, you're relationship is going to remain rocky and the kid is going to WIN!
Check out my web site: http://www.blackerandassociates.com
I have an eBook available that details many options available to parents/partners that might prove enlightening.

-- posted by johncblacker

Top 13. Aug 9, 2006 12:41 PM

» johncblacker - Too much to handle!!

In response to Too much to handle!! posted by justlovely:

Absolutely doing the right thing. At some point in time you have to accept the fact that this girl isn't going to change because you want her to. Although, not knowing what the situation is with her birth mother, it's hard to say whether it'll straighten the girl out. However, it should improve your lives and that's very important, especially since you have a number of other children who've been living in a war zone, I'm sure. If your goal is to try to straighten out the troubled girl, then a joint effort between the birth mother, you and your husband will be required. Some teenage behavior is just designed for shock and awe effect to see what others will do. Unfortunately, some of it is also indicative of deep trouble and a precursor to more serious problems later on. Realize that it's not your fault. Troubled children think differently than normal children and until and unless they can learn to make responsible decisions they will continue to have problems and be problematic for others - most of them use others as pawns. Good luck.

-- posted by johncblacker

Top 14. Aug 9, 2006 12:48 PM

» johncblacker - Re: How to discipline and rights for step parents

In response to Re: How to discipline and rights for step parents posted by sue7775:

Outstanding advice! I can remember following similar steps with both my children. It finally got to the point with my son that all he had left in his room was his mattress to sleep on! Absolute consisency is required. Calling the bluff is an excellent tactic. I'd add that once the teen moves out...when they come back, don't be so quick to take them back...they need to realize how much they take for granted at home! That's why residential treatment facilities work!
I have some strategies in my eBook.
See http://www.blackerandassociates.com/feat...
Parents have a RIGHT to live a happy life, even though they have children. Unfortunately, too many parents believe their children can preempt that right and that's where and why so many teens remain out of control.

-- posted by johncblacker