My out of control 15 year old

Top 2. Jun 11, 2004 2:42 AM

» 1HeyYou - Re: my out of control 15 year old

In response to message posted by olivia99:

I feel for you Olivia. You sound just like me exactly a year ago! The only difference is that my son was diagnosed with ADHD and Nonverbal Learning Disorder when he was 5 and had been seeing a therapist since. She warned me this behavior could be coming, and I didn't believe her! Silly me! To make a very long story shorter, first thing you have to do is stop and realize something you are going to outright reject. You are not dealing with your daughter, you are dealing with an addict!!! You can't parent an addict. You can't reason with an addict. You can't live with an addict. She needs help. Professional help, and quickly. I knew my son was smoking marijuana, much more than I was comfortable with, and dabbling in other drugs. His behavior became just as you describe, especially the truancy and the threats toward me and my husband. We had to have him escorted out of the house early in the morning and transported to a residential treatment school in Utah where he's spent the last 11 months. They came and got him the day after our 25th wedding anniversary and 5 days before his 16th birthday. It was after a couple months of therapy out there that we found out that his drug of choice was heroin! So much is available to our kids that we can never imagine. Their world is so much different than the world we grew up in. We just got word that our son will finally be graduating from the program at the end of June. This has been by far the hardest thing we have ever done. BUT, we get OUR SON back at the end of this month. It's been a long, hard, heart-breaking, expensive year, but if he stumbles at all, there's always the other part of the round trip ticket we bought to bring him home.............he's back in Utah in a heart beat. He's worth it!!!

-- posted by 1HeyYou

Top 3. Jul 17, 2004 8:01 AM

» klp454 - Re: Re: my out of control 15 year old

In response to message posted by 1HeyYou:

I am looking into residential treatment schools for my 15 year old son. He is using drugs, and stealing. He is presently in a juvenile detention center for 21 days with charges of grand theft and burglary. Six months ago, he had a 3.4 grade point in 9th grade. His father left the family and we didn't know his whereabouts for 8 months. Since the arrest, I have found his father, however, my son will not speak to him. I must try and save my son. His friends tell me he was doing cocaine.
How do you know which treatment school to trust?-they all claim to be the best. I am selling my house and moving in with my mother to paid the cost of $3800 per month. I have to get my son back. Did your son forgive you for them taking him in the middle of the night? I don't feel so alone knowing others are out there just like me.

-- posted by klp454

Top 4. Aug 1, 2004 4:15 AM

» 1HeyYou - Re: Re: Re: my out of control 15 year old

In response to message posted by klp454:

I trust that by now you have done some looking so you have an idea of what is out there in residential treatment programs. Actually, by the time we made the ultimate decision about our son, he knew that he was so far 'out there' that we were going to HAVE to do something drastic. I told him bits and pieces about my research so when it was time for him to go, he knew that he was going, and how, he just didn't know exactly when. The morning the escorts came, my son was so high and so mellow, the guys said he was the easiest transport they'd ever had.
Just recently he and I have started talking about his drug use back then. I had no idea how far into drugs and alcohol he really was. I thought it was mostly weed, but more frequently than I was comfortable with, especially with the potency the growers have achieved now a days. Now my son is admitting that if we had not intervened when we did, he would probably be dead by now. He was doing mostly LSD, cocaine, and heroin!! YES, HEROIN! And he was selling to pay for his drugs!
Now he's home, sober, just finished summer school and is trying to find a social life. THAT'S the hard part. He's 'slipped' a couple times since he's been home, but he's come in the door admitting it to us. It's hard to tell who's more disappointed when that does happen. YES, I HAVE MY SON BACK!! (August 4th will be the the one year anniversary of the day that he went off to treatment.)
As for schools, basically there are two types of treatment approaches, behavior modification and positive peer culture. Basically behavior mod teaches how to control through giving and taking away privileges. Positive peer culture teaches how to control oneself from within, through a more positive self image, self confidence, and, appreciation and tolerance of people and the world around them. This is achieved through individual therapy, family therapy (via phone), and peer group sessions. I think you can tell where my preference lies.
Next, make sure that the treatment program you pick is certified by the state in which the program resides.
If your son is still in high school, find out if the educational program within the 'school' is accredited with the accreditation body for that part of the country.
Lastly, believe it or not, $3,800 per month is on the low side. We were paying $4950 per month plus medication, plus therapy costs. Its just now that our son is home after 11 months in the school, that our insurance company is figuring out what their share/our share of this expense is. We are amazed by the checks we are getting from them!! (Its considered inpatient drug treatment) AND is tax deductible if you can get a psychological diagnosis which should be rather easy!
I can help you out more specifically with the certification and accreditation if you need. ConHeyYouYupHeyYouYup@yahoo.com
Good luck. Don't worry IF he'll forgive you, will you forgive yourself if you DON'T act?

-- posted by 1HeyYou

Top 5. May 13, 2005 10:56 AM

» trustworthy_teen - Re: Re: Re: my out of control 15 year old

In response to Re: Re: my out of control 15 year old posted by klp454:

hi! im sarah and im new. i read ur message and my cousin travis was the same way. he was a frosh and he already ha a scolorship to stanford! then came the kicker....be tryed weed..then cocain..then he sold it! he made alot of money but there was a price..his family. after that all i know is that he went down to mexico 4 a year. came back and hes doing alot better. he still does alot of it but hes not volent and he calls me all the time and we do alot 2gether! i still miss that old travis that didnt do anything but ill have to deal since im only 15. but he whole husband thing my dad left and my mom and i have no idea where he is. but the reason i wrote this was because i want you to know that sending your son away isnt a last resort. it should be one of ur first. -sarah

-- posted by trustworthy_teen

Top 6. Dec 7, 2005 5:12 PM

» brknhrtdmom - NEED SOME HELP

i feel for all of you dealing with all the issues.. feel the pain you all are going thru. im having major resentment and defyence and alcohol and drug use from my 15 yr old son i just recently got custody or him from his father. that in itsself is a long story he never done anything with delt with or loved he just let 15 yr old run and do what ever ..... 15 yr old been in legal trouble.drugs and alcohol issues while with his father and resents me for him no longer in the same state with the kids he used to hang with .. he blames me for all thats been done or not done
refuses to listen to me. says he dont and never will trust me and that he can live and do for hiself he's cursed and threatened and has also hit me ANY ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO??

-- posted by brknhrtdmom

Top 7. Jan 17, 2006 5:00 AM

» nowhere2turn - Re: NEED SOME HELP

In response to NEED SOME HELP posted by brknhrtdmom:

I know what you all are going through. I just dont know what to offer for advice. I was hoping someone would give me some advice. My daughter is just turning 16 in two weeks. She had started skipping so much school a couple of years ago. So far, the schools keep calling me to tell me how many unexcused absences she has, but has YET to send out a truant officer. But that will be a moot point in about 2 weeks when she turns 16. The school is going to withdraw her due to the excessive absences.

She also has alcohol/drug problems, she leaves and is out all night until 2, 3 even 4 in the morning. Sometimes she doesn't come home until 12 the next afternoon. I was advised by HRS/law enforcement/whoever else I could think of to contact for help, to call 911 and report her as a runaway if she is not home by her curfew. I did and they only tell me that when she comes home, to call them so they can close the case. There was no consequences. I was also advised to do this when she is grounded and leaves anyhow. She was grounded, I called, the officer saw her down the road and told me that there is nothing he can do since she is right there.

I had to have a conference once at her school with HRS and a police officer(they have one at all the schools here, I think) due to her absences. I explained that she was 13 and not a second grader. I can't just pick her up, put her in my vehicle, strap on the seatbelt and take her to schoole. I explained to him how she beats on me. He just turned his head and said "don't tell me she hits you. I'll have to take her to jail." I told him, well she does. He said it again. I said "if this is what needs to be done, then let's do it". He just repeats himself. Useless. Then, when they called my daughter in there for the conference, she kept rolling her eyes. The officer finally told her that if she kept doing it, then he was going to take her to juvie. Then, she had such a smart A$$ mouth, that she wound up ticking off the HRS lady. She got up and slammed her clipboard on the desk and said, "this isn't my job! My job is to protect kids from their parents, not parents from their kids! That's your job!" She told that to the cop. Then tells me that my case was closed and she left.

My daughter has recently punched my husband in the back of the head. She has been hitting on me for a few years now, but I never could call the law on her. I'm afraid to defend myself, because of going to jail for child abuse. I know it isn't child abuse if it's defense, but so far, everyone I have tried to get help from has been deadends, and I'm afraid that if I defend myself, they will not believe me. Anyhow, my husband called 911. They came, picked her up, took her to the Juvenile Assessment Center and told me to be there by 9pm to pick her up. She was only arrested at 5:30pm. Again, no consequences. Only this time, on the way home, she says, "Well, I hope you're f***ing happy. Now I'm not afraid of jail".

I can't afford the places like you all have mentioned. I just spoke with her father, who lives only 3 hours away and hasn't seen her since she was in third grade (his choice, not mine, I have to keep hunting him down). I was hoping maybe, by some thin,slim chance of hope, that he might be willing to pretend to act like a father now and let her live with him for awhile. I figured maybe a change of surroundings might do her some good. Or maybe just throw her off-course just enough to make a change. But, he would rather throw out some of his excuses at me and not even try. I feel as if he was my last resort. I don't know where else to turn now.

-- posted by nowhere2turn

Top 8. Jun 4, 2006 11:42 AM

» Marnielynn831 - Re: NEED SOME HELP

Are you still in need of help with your daughter and the situation at hand? I can try and help with stories of my own that I recently went through with my daughter.. Please let me know.. I am sadden to say that I still continue the struggles with my daughter. She is currently 19 and living in her own apartment. But still I struggle...

A concerned parent

Marnie Lynn

-- posted by Marnielynn831

Top 9. Jun 10, 2006 6:12 PM

» m8lhead - my troubled 15 yr old niece

my niece was 14 when she started to date her 15 yr old b/f..he was hanging with a rough crowd and one of his friends, a 14 yr old boy, was murdered..he had a knife on him..my niece became pregnant by him and his mom sent him to live with his dad in wash state..he came back for the birth of his child, without telling his dad..ever since he has been bad news..we heard that he supposedly got out of a gang, and his 15 yr old uncle is in one..he has become very controlling and my niece lost custody of her daughter to my sister on thurs..now my niece is staying with her b/f and can be considered a runaway since she's not staying with her mom..we are at our wits end on how to get her help..there is a place here, but it is voluntary for the kids..she would never agree to go there..and he just smirks about everything..he is happy that our family is torn apart and that she is with him and not part of us..she thinks she loves him and he knows what he is doing..i just hope she comes to her senses soon..we don't know what to do to get her help and away from him..i can't imagine what he will be like in a few years..does anyone have any suggestions? thank you

-- posted by m8lhead