Coming Back from 'The Edge'

Top 2. Apr 12, 2001 8:08 AM

» jerrib - What an encouraging

article. Most of us can relate. We don't have those moments anymore, though we did in our younger marriage. What I remember learning is, "Just remember how you loved that person and get that feeling back by exploring the path you've previously traveled, a day at a time. Remember one thing you loved about the person; say it to them again. (Like his beautiful eyes, her cooking, etc.) That will start you on the right road back." It works, it really does. All any of us want is to be loved.

Excellent piece.

-- posted by jerrib

Top 3. Apr 14, 2001 8:31 PM

» KarenAngel - Marriage On The Edge

There's a song, "Standing on the edge of goodbye" that hit me between the eyes when I heard it on the radio one day. That's just where our marriage was.

I went to a Christian counselor and he clearly did not have time for me, even though I had documents proving my husband was having an affair. He said to me, "it's a mess allright," when I told him what was going on with the marriage, our family and a crisis situation with my son. Then he said "what do you want me to do for you?" I said, "I need advice, I need help, I can't think straight and I can't pray. And I don't want a divorce, I want my husband to end his affair."

The counselor replied, "Well, maybe you should think about divorce. I think that it's your best option at this point. Tell your husband to fish or cut bait. Okay?" and he showed me the door.

If this man had told my husband himself to fish or cut bait, that would have helped me tremendously, because my husband was in such a mess, being pulled by both the other woman and me, and he was not thinking straight. He needed to be told that he had to end the affair, right then if our marriage was to survive.

But, no one told him and for more than a year we tried to re-build our marriage on a foundation of sand, because the other woman was in and out of our lives for more than a year, until she met another man and re-married.

I still feel like we don't have a concrete foundation, my husband never chose me, it just worked out that the other woman finally got tired of it and found someone else. My husband tries everything he can now to make me feel loved, to make things right, but I cannot get past the fact that he seemed to be more concerned about the other woman's feelings than mine, and infinitely more respectful of her and her position than our marriage of 28 years. My husbands swears it wasn't because he couldn't make up his mind that he dragged his feet, he has reasons. He felt guilty, because she had left her husband for him. I understand that, and he should feel guilty. And, he says that he was "afraid" that she would be revengeful and was not sure "what she would do" if he upset her by telling her in no uncertain terms it was over. His solution: he just did not "encourage her" by not being "that" nice to her, not agreeing to meet her, etc. But he spoke to her every time she called him, and I know he called her from time to time. And they saw each other at business meetings and things like that.

Although I love my husband and am glad we are together, it sure is difficult for me to feel loved and chosen. He never did tell the woman that he chose me, he just let it wind down. And we were lucky, she got married again.

I have to fight the temptation to think that my husband behaved like a super wimpy wet noodle that didn't want to face the hard parts of the situation he had created for us all.

I don't know what to do now, he tries everything he can to make me feel loved and special, but I cannot get it into my head that our marriage and our vows are truly number one in his heart and mind. He gets frustrated with me, and says it doesn't matter what he does, he can't win. And I am driving him crazy with starting fights because of my insecurity at the way he did not end the affair, and how I feel unable to trust him, over and beyond not feeling like he really did want me more than the other woman. I don't feel like he did chose me, no matter how great things are, and how nice and attentive he is or how much fun we have. I can forgive, but I cannot get past the insecurity and the feelings of being second best, disrespected and the one that was there even after being treated like a door mat.

Thanks for listening,

-- posted by KarenAngel

Top 4. Mar 17, 2003 5:02 PM

» colleenafc - Re: Marriage On The Edge

In response to message posted by KarenAngel:

I know exactly what you are going through. I am in the same boat. Have you received any good advice? Some days I just want to tell my husband- JUST LEAVE! Nothing he can do will ever make up for hime not telling her he wanted me not her......

Feel free to write me, I need a friend through this!

Colleenafc@aol.com

-- posted by colleenafc

Top 5. Jul 19, 2004 6:03 AM

» edge729 - Re: Marriage On The Edge

In response to message posted by KarenAngel:

Your story sounds just like mine. I have so many of the same feelings. I feel like the consolation prize, because her husband told my husband not to call her anymore. I am not sure it is even over.

-- posted by edge729

Top 6. Aug 13, 2004 1:41 AM

» russellsfury - On The Edge

A quick review: my wife and I have been married just over 3 years, been together for 7, high school sweethearts, waited until after marriage before making love, spent almost 2 out of the 3 years of marriage apart due to the military life. I am writing this in order to vent. I understand that being a military spouse is not an easy thing to do but I know that there are people who have the strength out there. People with the honor, integrity, morals and straight up decency are becoming fewer and farther between. I am currently in Iraq and just returned from my vacation to go home after 7 months of being over here. A month before I was able to go home my wife tells me that she has cheated on me. I was outraged to say the least, my blood pressure was at a peak and we both shed tears over the phone. I decided that we could make it through this and that it would take time but could be done. She expressed generally the same feelings at that time. During that month before going back home we kept in contact and reassured each other that we can make it. That made my homecoming a lot easier to think that everything is going to be alright rather than going home to a wife who didn't want to play the role of one anymore. The first couple of days were what I had expected, so glad to see each other. We went out and had a couple of drinks and she opened up about how devastated she feels about what she put me through and how she wants me to be the father of our children. I was happy which I hadn't been in a long time. Then the next few days there was a total turn around and she started to push me away, trying to get away from me but yet wanting me to spend all the time I was home with her. I wanted nothing more than to spend time with my wife patching up some of the wounds that we both had. Her wounds are dealing with the guilt and the shame that our families feel toward her not to mention the total lack of respect in the small community that we are from. I of course had to face my own pain of being struck so deep that physical pain seems like it would be a relief. She wants to keep a friendship with the person that it happened with, that hurts me to hear her say that and I straight up told her that I wouldn't allow that. This guy is a local who thinks he is still in high school, everyone knows the type, goes to the local bar and tries to hook up with the next drunk girl. My brothers played softball with this guy and feel the rage that I am trying to hold back from doing anything that could land me in jail. I am considered and consider myself one of the good guys in the world and have always done my best to express my love toward my wife. The last couple of days before coming back here to Iraq we had a discussion and she talked about divorce, I don't want one but realize that if I am not what she wants then I can't make the relationship work. She is confused and doesn't know what she wants out of life. I told her that I thought that I could be a big piece of what could help make her life complete. And that although she has hurt me badly I could heal and trust her again someday although the memory will be with me always. I feel the type of love for my wife that few people would be willing to go through this to patch things up. I am doing my best but understand that she has to face her own demons and she knows that when she needs someone I will be there, if only a phone call or and e-mail, that is all I can do.

-- posted by russellsfury

Top 7. Aug 31, 2004 11:16 AM

» uncertain - Re: Marriage On The Edge

In response to message posted by KarenAngel:

I can relate to your dillema not because my husband has had an affair after we were married,(at least I don't think so), but because he had one before that I didn't find out about until 6 years after. The affair produced a daughter which he will not acknowledge. Many things have happened in our time together and you know the old addage of 'Ican change him' right? wrong! My husband has a problem with a certain shall we say not so legal substance. He promised me he would quit before our daughter was born. That was 14 years ago and he's still doing it. I have been very blunt with him in saying I'm tired of waiting and he needs to quit now and if he can't we will seek help for him. This upsets him terribly. He feels I should just accept him for who he is. Problem is, I can see a person beyond the addict, he can't. He really feels he needs this stuff to function. When he doesn't have it, his temper flares to the point where I usually end up taking the end of his fist and get blamed for not having enough money or the bills weren't paid, something stupid, because he can't admit he has a problem. He says he feels guilty about what he does but I think it's a control thing. How can he say he loves me? Everything is my fault, nothing is good enough.Lately he phones everyday for me to make him a lunch. I think he just wants to know if I am home alone. I have no intention of adding to the problem by having an affair. Recently I gave him an ultimatum that he needed to choose between his addiction and me. I gave him a month. He told me he would quit adter I left and the next woman in his life would reap the benefit. I don't want to break up this marriage, but am so afraid our daughter will find out and think it's okay for her to do too.On the other hand, it's not healthy for us to stay here. There is so much more that has happened on the negative side, it would take a week to write it all. Any suggestions?

-- posted by uncertain