Danse Macabre - The Dynamics of Spousal Abuse

» OsoLonely4U - physicalogical & emotional abuse & the damage it's caused

This is a new site for me but not a new subject. Been in a mariage for 22 years and people often ask me why because I am so unhappy. I think it's because it gets in your blood and we just have a hard time "letting go". For others it's because of need, whether it be financial or medical such as myself. I have Lupus and a few other illneses that go along with it. 22 yrs ago I was a 30 yr old divorced mother of 2 but managing on my own. We sold a house and split the progits and money was not an issue. Lets just cut to the chase. I married a man 8 yrs younger, did well financially, bought a new home, a new life, a new job and when the dust settled, I saw what I refused to see for a few yrs. He was partying with friends and customers as he was told to do, however, he was not told to have an affair with a customer for 4 months. First big mistake. Out he should have gone but we had all the things aforementioned. Tried again. There were times he didn't come home because of drinking and such. I got a call in the middle of the night from a "correctional facility" in our city and yes, it was the dreaded call I often feared. He got a DUI and because he was driving a company vehicle, he lost his job. It the midst of all this, I had a good thriving business and so we took his 401K and merged it with another in the same field. That's when I really was ill and found out I had Lupus, Fibro, Hypertension, degenerative bone and disk disease. Enough.I had to stop working. Hence, he took over and had 13 employees, females working for him. Well, he met his match in one and when it all came to a head, I blew. When I found this out, he had lent her and her so-called husband his brand new truck to drive to NY. He used mine. I told him he no right to do that without consulting me first. Well, this came back to bite in you know where. I got the mail and a certified letter from NYC stating that our NEW truck was impounded as there was a conceled weapon found in the glove box, and it was her's not ours. I flipped so I called tham and I told them the truck was stolen. It was supposed to be back a week later and it was 10 days past a week. Come to find out that they has been "engaging" in sexual activities....on my time..in my clients homes no less and on occasional over-time. YOU BET SHE WAS! She was fired to say the least and once again I was a prisioner in my own home. Long and short, we lost our business, home, trucks, money and the respect of everyone. I had to do things that upset my family just to keep our heads afloat. (nothing criminal) or sort of. Anyway, here we are 2 yrs later in a new start, city and a new job for him, a golden opportunity but he is blowing it again. Drinking, blowing me off as I am trying so hard to be his wife in every sense of the word and he is lying, deceiving, and disrespecting me. We had an argument a while back when he was drunk and out-of-control and he scared my dogs and they were shaking. I got so out of hand that I grabbed a butcher knife and went tdownstairs and from behind, I put it to his throat. I was ready to blow him off. At that point I didn't care. Self control got the better of me thank God and I backed off and called my Physician and he sent the police and rescue and kept me in for treatment for 5 days. I was OK. I told myself I would never put MY life in jeopardy again cause he wasn't worth going to prison for. No one is. Nothing has changed except he was on the wagon for 13 dyas and for the first time I had a glimmer of hope until Thursday night. He fell off the wagon and who knows if he'll ever get back on. He stays on the internet al days and all nights at times and his IM's are less than discrete. He tells these women he loves them and so forth. My 82 yr old Mom is not well and I really think she needs me now but I need to plan due to medical concerns. I also hate to leave my dogs with him. He would never mis-treat them but they get very upset when I am not here. They are my solace and the Lord is my source of strength.I have 2 grown daughters and 4 +1 grandchildren in the same city as the rest of my family. So...why do I stay? I wish I knew the answer. I know that he will have to support me financially, medically and so forth and I do not want a divorce. I want a legal separation so I can still be able to keep my benefits. I get a SSI check once a month but not enough to live on. My mom has a big home and lives all alone and would be so happy to have me but she would never ask me to make that choice. AS far as I am concerned, She is my biological Mother and he isn't biological nothing. That's where I say, "throw away wives and throw away husbands". Oh, you get tired of one so get another. What is happening to us and our families. There is not parental supervision and that's why our children are so screwed up. It's the parents fault and I fear for my grandchildren. Any and all thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for listening and to those who believe, God Bless.

PS... I do not take the time to spell check cause if I didn't get it right the first time, I will not the second

-- posted by OsoLonely4U

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