Single mom trying to cope w/childless boyfriend
- Diane35
- Tina30
- JaneaneJenn
- nakita
- ErinKinloch
- LAgone2Sweden
- KayAngel0821
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» Diane35 - single mom/boyfriend issues
My boyfriend and I can't seem to agree with anything when it comes to my kids. I realize most people will say,"it's none of his business," but I feel that he should have some say if something is bothering him. Anyway, he has ideas of child rearing and we can't seem to agree. Emotions don't seem to play a part in any of his decisions with my kids. he is so cold-hearted. I swear he wants them to suffer. He wants them to have disappointments on a regular basis. He says that it is good for them.He gets upset with me because I don't notice everything. He gets upset if I let anything (and I mean anything) go.
I thought him and I could sit down and come up with joint rules that we both agreed on. That didn't work either. He thinks there should only be general rules and nothing specific.
I am pretty strict with my kids, but it never seems to be enough with him.
I feel like he comes over and just sits there and watches for them to do anything wrong. He claims that he is trying to help me by being another set of eyes. This drives me crazy. I can't stand that he always is telling me what they are doing wrong.
We just can't seem to get past this. Does anyone have any suggestions or experience in this area?
-- posted by Diane35
» Tina30 - Re: single mom/boyfriend issues
Hi Tina -This is my first time posting here and I can understand where you are coming from. The most important thing in your life is your children and vice versa. Your children look up to you for direction and support. Your boyfriend is a part of your life therefore he will automatically be in your children's lives. It is important you feel comfortable and it isn't a chore for you to communicate with him, men have a hard time with feelings. If he is constantly critical of you and your kids that could lower all of your self respect. Don't lower your standards. If he doesn't like how you are raising your kids that is his problem. If he wants to be a part of this then a compromise needs to be made for your children's sake! Maybe you could discuss this just the 2 of you without the kids around. He may not know how badly this is effecting you or your relationship. If he can't agree with you, you need to either accept the differences or move on. Seriously, it is your kids you need to put on the top priority. I always look at what impact men in my life have on my daughter. I have finally found someone after 7 years who I feel comfortable with to the point he cares for her when I am not available. I don't even trust the child's father the way I trust my boyfriend. It is a serious issue and a touchy one. If your children are a big part of your life and your boyfriend too there needs to be decisions made. If you believe in a future with your boyfriend, consider therapy. It will give a neutral ground for communication if nothing else. Good luck.
-- posted by Tina30
» JaneaneJenn - Re: single mom/boyfriend issues
In response to message posted by Diane35:Diane
I'm going through something similar. But in your case it seems as if your boyfriend may not know how to be a father. Is your boyfriend father in his life? Was he ever? Was his mother a single mother? I think you should take a closer look at how your boyfriend was brought up, who was in his life. It makes a big different on the way how he may see rising your children/child.
-- posted by JaneaneJenn
» nakita - Re: single mom/boyfriend issues
In response to message posted by Diane35:I am so sorry to see you go through this but I am more concerned about the children. If you are divorce I am worried that this pressure is going to affect the kids. A divorce is hard enough on them but repetitive stress like this sets the ground work for their adult beliefs and philosophies.
-- posted by nakita
» ErinKinloch - Hi;
I think this situation is tough. It sounds like your boyfriend is in denial about his own feelings. If you think he is constantly waiting to pounce on them for doing something wrong, you are probably not imagining it. I had a stepfather who constantly picked on and insulted me and my siblings. I can tell you that 11 years of this was enough to ruin our self esteem and other essential things like trust, and respect. It sounds like maybe he could be jealous? If he is a constant figure in your children's life by being around all the time or living with you I would strongly recommend some sort of parenting course for him. You could go with him if it helps him feel better. I have had problems with my baby's father questioning my child rearing techniques. He has not bothered to further educate himself by books or courses and I have. So I let him know that until he actively seeks out some proffessional advice on healthy parenting he cannot question my methods. I will learn all I can from the pros and pick and choose what methods works best for our child.-- posted by ErinKinloch
» LAgone2Sweden - Boyfriend living with Single Mom
Well after reading this post I almost completely identify with the boyfriend... in a good way mind you. I have been living with a single mom for almost 5 years now, and things couldnt be worse. Year after year I have tried to be more involved with the "child raising" responsibilities, but we never see eye to eye on what needs to be done.She wants me to be involved, but only as she would be. She asks me to talk to her son when he has a problem, and I do, but in my own personal way. I am not her, dontnt "sweet talk" her son like she does... I admit I am much less in contact with my emotions compared to her, but I think I can take care of issues when they come up... but I feel she wants me to be a xerox copy of her, but in a man's body.
Can somebody please tell me if I am wrong and should learn how to be just like her, or find some other solution. I am open for advice.
Thanks,
Steven
steven_b@mail.com
-- posted by LAgone2Sweden
» KayAngel0821 - Re: Boyfriend living with Single Mom
In response to Boyfriend living with Single Mom posted by LAgone2Sweden:Steven,
Im sorry to her that your girlfriend makes you feel uncomfortable being yourself. I think that this is a ongoing problem for many relationships even if the babys belong to both of the partners. I cant help it if Im a female with the same sterotype sweet, gentle,motherly attitude and vice versa. You cant make your self be something your not. I think that reasuring her that you do care for her children and even though you may have diffrences on how to speak to them that you really are trying the best you can. Theres really nothing you can do about other than that. Dont try to change yourself. You are ok as long as you know that you are doing every thing possible to do whats best for the children. Dont worry to much about it speaking as a woman my self women can get overly sensitive even if theres a good point attached.
good luck
KayAngel
-- posted by KayAngel0821
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