Ongoing abuse after divorce....

» kayandkimsmom - The abuse contines, even after we've separated

Hello to whoever is reading this.
I met my ex husband when I was 15 and he was 21. He was the cool party guy who bought beer for me and my high school friends. He made me feel like I was smart and mature and placed me at his level socially. I fell for the trap. Within 6 months I dropped out of high school (I was on the honor roll, and a high school basketball superstar) and moved in with him. I wasn't even old enough to work full time or have a driver's license. It was the perfect set up for him.
Soon after we moved in together everything changed. I was old news, and there were other young girls that he was involved with. He would listen in on phone calls to my family, and make me account for every moment of my time away from him. I fell into a deep depression and attempted suicide.
He used that as his major tool against me. I was broken, and he was sure to keep it that way. When I would get the courage to leave him, he would change his views of me. Suddenly I would be beautiful and smart and on his level again. He would cry to me about being unworthy of me and talk of how his life would be ruined without me. I fell for it every time.
I became pregnant with our fist daughter just after I turned 17, and we were married 3 weeks later. When I was 7 months pregnant, he told me that he would be moving 400 miles away by the end of the month. When I protested, he threatened to leave without me and made me believe that I could never raise a child without him and I would be responsible for keeping her father from her. I went reluctantly.
We lived in his mothers basement until I was two weeks from having our child. We finally got our own apartment only to be evicted 2 months later because he would not pay the rent. He forbid me from working, and even threatened to block my family's phone numbers because they were "ruining" our marriage. We returned to his mother's home once again.
It all came to a head in July of 04' Our daughter was 6 months old, and while searching for free parenting advice, I came across what appeared to be a search for "free kiddie porn". I spoke to my husband, demanding that we confront his mother's husband about it. He refused, and when I confronted the man myself, he attacked me.
I was holding my 6 month old daughter when he pushed me to the ground and began choking me.I remember my ex grabbing the baby from my arms and watching the violence unfold from the other end of the room while my daughter screamed in fear. His step-father grabbed me by the leg and attempted to throw me down a flight of stairs. I kicked him fiercly between the legs and scrambled to the phone to call 911. All I can remember was being afraid that this man would kill me right in front of my daughter. My ex never tried to stop him, he just watched.
When I dialed 911 the step-father hung up the phone and wouldn't answer when they called back. He then called 911 himself and claimed that I had "gone crazy" and "attacked" him. I was arrested for simple assault, as was he. His charges were later dropped based upon the statement given by my ex.
I left for good that day, and three days later finally had my daughter back. I returned home to my family and began a new life. I was working full time and paying bills all by myself. The baby was well fed and clothed, and I had my family and friends back. Then he called.
He was miserable, he couldn't sleep and he couldn't live with himself. He was moving back home and wanted us to be together. I was strong about it at first, and I was unwilling to let our daughter be raised in a home like he and I had together. But eventually, I caved.
We were together again, but I convinced myself that this time would be different. I would keep my job, and pay my bills. I would know this time that I was better than he made me believe, and I would never let him put me down. I thought that he would notice my independence and optimism. He would respect me, and he would know better than to try and change it. I was only half right.
I was still independent and he did notice. But he tried continuously to break me. He lied, he cheated, he would call me names and question my worth daily. He hadn't changed.
I was ready to leave for good within a month, but my period was late, and I was worried. I took a test that came back positive. This was in November of 04. He refused to talk to me about the pregnancy for nearly two weeks, and when he did he insisted that the only option was an abortion. I refused and tried my hardest to convince him. When I made my decision to keep the baby he refused to help me pay for an office visit for prenatal care, and refused to make any decisions on a name. He called the baby "it".
In January, just after our daughter's first birthday, he told me that we were finished. I could stay in the house with the baby until I got money together, but he said he would charge me rent. He began seeing another woman openly (I should mention that the "woman" was 17, and he was 24). When I told him that I was going "apartment hunting" he told me that I had worn my welcome and I had to leave that day. He tried to make me leave our daughter with him. I of course wouldn't. I found a stuidio apartment for $400 a month and we started over again. Life was good for me and Kay, but after child care I had only $100 a week to pay my bills, and no child support. My ex would only see the baby when it was convenient, and still refused to acknowledge my pregancy as a child. He treated my pregnancy as a handicap and questioned my mothering capabilities every time I saw him.
Less than 2 months after I left (without notice), he returned to his mother's house 400 miles away.
It has been 5 months since he moved, and I have since given birth to our second daughter 8 weeks prematurely. He has not once visited, but calls daily to begin arguments with me, rarely ever mentioning our youngest daughter. In the last month he has filed with the courts alleging child abuse, neglect, and mental illness on my part. He has questioned my capabilities with the court, and has even claimed that I have refused him visitation.
He continues the psycological abuse to this day, even though we are no longer together. He tries to put a blanket of fear over me when he attempts to take them from me. He tried to intimidate me with financial affidavits showing that I don't have the financial stability to raise the children. And he uses my long passed battle with depression to make the courts question the children's safety and well-being.
His attempts have so far been unsucessfulwith both me and the courts, and our divorce will be final in October. I have a strong feeling that the abuse won't end there, and he won't stop with me. He will pass this on to our daughters, especially if they ever show a lack of intrest in him. I pray to God that I can raise them to be stronger than that, as praying that he'll change may be unfruitful...

-- posted by kayandkimsmom

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» msluder - Re: The abuse contines, even after we've separated

In response to The abuse contines, even after we've separated posted by kayandkimsmom:

Hi I read your email and I am so proud of you for leaving. He sounds absolutely horrible. i found myself pregnant at the ripe old age of 19! I wasn't married either and was with a real loser!! but anyways we never married and to this day have seen him once since my son was born.(he is now eight)
I met my husband in fifth grade. we became best friends after my son was born. we have now been married for four years and have two children together. he adopted my son soon after we were married and has been all he has known since he was six months old. i told myself i was worth so much and more importantly that my son was worth more than anything else in the world. you are worth something wonderful. i am a firm believer that god doesn't set you up for failure.
you are strong, you are already a survivor. why answer your phone? if he calls change your number, block his calls. do not be a victim anymore!!!
i am currently going through a situation with a close friend. her husband is verbally abusive to her children (which are from her first husband) i almost feel that she enjoys being a victim. like she likes people feeling sorry for her or something. i don't know if you have any advise please let me know
you will do good
em

-- posted by msluder

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» abused_ex - how to deal with my ex

I am at wit's end. I have been to the police, attorneys, and counslers and I can not seem to get the appropriate help. My ex and I have been divorced for 5 years. He has harrassed me and mentally abused me. We have 3 children together and he takes wonderful care of them. I am in school full time and I work full time right now so this is why he has the kids. As long as I agree with him on what we should do with the kids he is happy. But if I disagree he calls me a worthless mother, refuses to let me see my kids, just being a complete a**. For ex. I am doing my finals right now so I have been studying non-stop. He calls me and asks me to take the kids to the parade. I told him that I was really busy studying for finals and I would do something with the kids next weekend. He calls me a worthless mother and that I am only hurting the kids. He wont let me talk to the kids to explain it to them. He just tells the kids I dont have time for them. This is just a minor incident compared to how he usually talks to me. As long as I do what he says than we get along fine but as soon as I "defy" him, he turns wacko. He really is driving me crazy. I am on two different medications and seeing a therapist. My therapist doesnt really give me advice on this matter.Who should I talk to so I can get some results. What should I do, how should I deal with him?

-- posted by abused_ex

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