Need advice

silver401
- Should I hang on?
sweetrush4u
- Re: Should I hang on?

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Top 1. Dec 27, 2005 8:06 AM

» silver401 - Should I hang on?

So, here it goes.
We met in person, for the first time in July, after chatting pretty much daily from mid June.
She'd been through some bad (abusive) relationships before and decided to get into trucking to see North America and change her life. She had decided pretty early on that she didn't like other truckers and would never date them.
She answered my profile, on an internet dating site and when I read hers, something just seemed right? The first night we chatted, she was in Missouri, on her laptop, at a truck stop, with her 2 dogs. Making her way back to Ontario. I was a little surprised when she told me she was a trucker. When I asked who she drove for she said BMM. I was familiar with that company, I’d seen the trucks often on the highway. I was even more surprised when she sent me a picture of herself. She's 5'2" and very cute. She told me she was tired of the trucking industry and soon would be leaving it. She also told me of a fall she had a couple of years ago, where she tore her rotator cuff and had surgery on it. She had only been back working for the last few months as it took almost a year of recovery to be strong enough to use her shoulder again. We became very close online. Fell in love with each other! She even proposed to me, several times! She knew I was separated and working on an amicable divorce. It will take time, because my Ex is being unreasonable. None the less, she didn't care. She decided that I would be the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with.
When we met for the first time she came straight to my house around 11:00 on a Saturday morning. We fell instantly into each others arms. It was magic! We kissed and there was an instant passion, that either of us could not explain. She only had a few hours, because she had a family reunion to attend to in Windsor that night. The time we had was unbelievable. We chatted that night before and after her reunion, she had already picked up a load for Texas. So, she was on her way again.
She came back 3 weeks later, we kept in touch through email and chat, regularly. While she was in Texas she re-injured her shoulder, actually tore her rotator cuff again. She was in horrendous pain, yet decided to continue on thinking she had only bruised it. She had x-rays taken while in Texas. The doc, would send them to her doctor in Cambridge. The second time we met in person I had my children that weekend, She emailed me early in the morning to tell me that she had a death in her family and wanted to see me badly, but she wouldn't be staying long. She was going to take 2 of her nieces to Boston in her truck for the funeral, that evening. She finally got home around noon. We took the kids to an Sports world for the afternoon, then went home, had a Barbeque and she was off again. Our relationship continued via cyber space. One day in Tennessee, she had an encounter with a psychic. The psychic told her that she had met the a man and was very happy, but she’d have to wait because Margaret, NO, Martha was going to drag out the divorce. (Martha is my ex.) The psychic also told her that she was pregnant. Elizabeth and I were overjoyed with this possibility. We had used protection when we made love, but we thought perhaps it didn’t work and we were meant to have a baby. The second week of August came and she told me she was going to be online at a certain time and she wasn't. I found out a couple of days later that her laptop had been stolen. She contacted me from Michigan on a Thursday afternoon. Asking would I have a few hours to see her as she has her truck going into service and she would be teaming up with another driver for a run to Denver, Colorado. I said, any time I told her any time with you is better than no time at all. So, we had an evening of passion together, even better than the first time. If that was possible, She left and on her way down to Colorado the other driver got a message that his mother had a heart attack and he would have to get back to Ontario, fast. So Elizabeth, dropped him off in Chicago and she went on with the load to Denver by herself. On her way back from a very frustrating run, Hurricane Katrina was happening down in New Orleans. My girlfriend, the humanitarian that she is met the other driver at the border with her truck, switched trucks and the 2 of them went to New Orleans with relief loads. Elizabeth had borrowed her nieces laptop before the funeral, so we were in constant communication. She told me that on her way down to New Orleans, she bought me a ring. I had done the same for her. I felt we were both, unofficially engaged. We said that we didn’t want to be with any one else ever again. Days turned into weeks in New Orleans, as they didn't have the facilities to unload the trailers down there. Elizabeth parked behind the CNN crew and was able to use the wifi satellite signal for the internet while she was there. Her period was over due and we were both getting excited about the possibility she was pregnant. About week 2 in New Orleans, she had a message to call her surgeon in Cambridge. She borrowed a satellite phone from CNN. The doctor made her do some tests on her shoulder to confirm what he suspected. Her rotator cuff was torn again and she needed surgery on it. It was not going to be an easy operation and he wanted to do it with the doctor that he trained under in Ohio. Shortly after she had a mini period, so she thought. Well, with Hurricane Rita coming the national guard felt that the generators she was carrying would serve better in Texas, than New Orleans. So she joined a convoy of National guard, Trucks and CNN and headed for Texas, but they left too late and found themselves low on fuel in Lake Charles Louisiana. They spent the night hunkered down at the Lake Charles Hospital. After the hurricane went through, she spent the next two weeks with her truck stuck in the mud, as she stayed at the hospital. While she was there she had a pregnancy test done and it came back negative. This caused her to become very depressed. She finally got out of the mud and went back to New Orleans. Our communications were becoming sparse at this point because she wasn't near CNN anymore. Finally I got a message from her, telling me that she had been unloaded and was on her way to El Paso, Texas to pick up another load, for home.
I chatted with her at a truck stop in El Paso, when she first got there. She told me that she was feeling very sick and had seen a doctor. He put her on medication for a virus she picked up. She said she'd be online again at a certain time that evening. Well, I didn't here from her for 6 days. Over whelmed with concern and going out of my mind, I called BMM, her company. I told them I was concerned about a driver of theirs. They said oh, who?
I told them her name and they said, we don't have anyone by that name here. Yikes! I didn't know what to think. I tried calling other trucking companies no one heard of her. I sent her emails asking why her company was saying you don't work for them? I didn't here anything from her for 3 more days. I was up in Sudbury when she came home and left again. This was the last week of October. She sent me an email telling me that she had shipped her laptop back to her niece, while she was in Texas. The reason for her not giving me the right name of the company she works for, was that she had previously had a stocker and didn't want that to happen again. (She had told me about this before.) Then she said she was feeling nervous because I was trying to "track her down" and thought maybe we should "slow down" a bit.
I emailed her and told her that I only tried to call her company because I was very worried about her. I told her I love her with all my heart and I'm not a stocker or a weirdo. She came online from Michigan shortly after my email to her and we chatted. She told me she wanted to tell me in person, the company she worked for. She was on her way to California and would come home right after that. I heard from her once a week after that. 6 weeks passed between the last time we chatted. I missed her so much and I was so worried about her. She no longer has a laptop, so we communicate through internet pay terminals now. When she can find one. She hates phones and won't call me to tell me she's alright. She won’t tell me the company she drives for. When we do chat it's just like the first time. Everything is great! but we’ve only been able to twice since October. I get an email once a week, maybe. It takes her longer to drive anywhere now, because her shoulder is in so much pain and on top of that she told me last time that she has an ulcer. I didn't mention the fact that her family doctor detected a lump on her breast a couple of weeks before we met. she is waiting for an MRI for that also. The only problem is she can't have an MRI, because of the plate in her shoulder.
I just want to be there for her, but she doesn't want to "burden me" I love this girl and she loves me, but she won't put down this wall she has up. She emailed me to tell me that she would be coming home for a few days at Christmas and would like to spend some time with me “talking” if that was OK? I was so excited about seeing her at Christmas In mid December I got another email from her, telling me that she was in Las Vegas, heading for California and wouldn’t make it home for Christmas. We were able to chat that night for a few minutes, but I was disconnected in the middle of our conversation. She didn’t reconnect at all. On Christmas eve I got another email from her telling me that all of her life plans have fallen apart un to now. Then she met me. She wished me and my family a merry Christmas and hoped that next Christmas her life dreams will come true with me.
We talk about a future. She says, we'll be together after her surgery, whenever that's going to happen. She told me she waited 40 years for me. I fear now that she has forgotten what we share. I email her frantically everyday, because I don’t know what else to do. I’m sure my persistent emails must be what has caused her to have second thoughts about us. She must think I’m not stable. I never intended to become this desperate over her. I’m not a crazy person I just want her to know every day that there is a guy at home who will love her forever and ever and she doesn’t need to be afraid he will ever do anything to hurt her. He understands her need to keep trucking for now. He just wants to see her or at least be able to chat or talk with her on a regular basis.
I send her email after email. I know she doesn’t read most of them. She doesn’t have time. I will continue to be patient for her, but I honestly don’t know any more what else I should do.

Should I have given up on her by now? Should I trust her as much as I do, when she won’t even share the name of the company she works for with me? Am I doing the right thing? Should I just continue to be patient with her? I have been nothing but honest and open with her. Yet, there is something in her that doesn’t trust me. Do I make her uncomfortable? I told her if she doesn’t want me, tell me and I will leave her alone. She tells me she loves me and in time we will be together. But what about right now? I can’t just sit by idly waiting, not knowing how she is or where she is? I told myself I would not give her an ultimatum or a deadline, but I have been so stressed out lately. I’m sure I’ve aged 5 years in the last 3 months. I don’t think asking for a phone call every week is unreasonable, is it? I love her with all my heart and I know we will be happy together, but if she won’t stay in touch with me what do I do?

-- posted by silver401