The Trap of Marital Rape

» Helpless33 - Marital Rape

This is a really good article and gives a lot to think about. The problem is that people run crisis centers, write the pamphlets, and provide counselling are different than the people who write and enforce the laws. The woman I love lived in a marriage where she was sexually abused for two and a half years. For a good portion of that time, the sex would start consentually but then he would attempt acts that she did not want and that he knew she didn't want. He would persist, she would say no over and over again, and he would do it anyway. On occasion he would stop...but she would know that this only meant it would be even worse next time. By every definition I have read, this is marital rape. "When a woman says no and he does it anyway, it is rape". That is what all the literature and propaganda tells me. She is now separated from him. A couple months ago, she was having severe abdominal pain and I ended up taking her to the emergency room. There it was decided that she needed surgery, they thought for her appendix. They removed her appendix, but found signs of other serious internal damage, including a bowel obstruction that was caused by severe scarring of her internal organs which was hte result of an infection given to her by the type of intercourse he was forcing on her. From the safety of the hospital, she decided it was time to take action, to make him pay for this brutality. I was there, by her side through all of it and I received quite an education. Social services, the surgeon, the rape crisis counselors were all very helpful and supportive and encouraged us to move forward with this...it is, after all, a crime to rape your wife. We contacted her attorney who told us that nothing could be done without a police report. We called the police and had them come in and take a report. The officer, while sympathetic, said that he would write it up as a domestic battery as opposed to a rape because it would be easier to prosecute that way. We told him that, while we did want to file the report, it was important that nothing be done yet as far as investigating it was concerned. Until she had a clear understanding of what lied ahead and exactly what her chances of a successful conviction were, she didn't want him to know she was pursuing this. The fear was that an unsuccessful prosecution would incite terrible rage and put her in GREAT danger. We can get an order of protection we were told. All that is is a piece of paper...it offers no real protection. So the police officer said no problem...we will set it up so it doesn't get investigated right now...I will just mark it that you have refused to sign the complaint right now, but that doesn't mean you cant open an investigation at a future time. Great, we thought. So she was released from the hospital and we followed up with the attorney. The attorney said that domestic battery is a Class A misdemeanor. That means if found guilty, the worst would be three years in jail and a $2500 fine. Frankly, we were told, with no prior record there was no way he was going to jail for this. The best we could hope for was some community service and a fine. But follow up with the state's attorney, the lawyer said. There we were told that the refusal to sign the complaint, the fact that the vague statement in the report that "sometimes the sex was consentual", and the fact that she didn't leave the marriage sooner would probably prevent any kind of conviction. In short, the assistant state's attorney couldn't have more strongly urged us to not prosecute. He was compassionate, but basically told us there was no way his office would go after this case...it was a loser. Even if they would prosecute and by some miracle we did get a conviction, what does that mean? A $2500 fine...and this heinous act occurred between 200 and 300 times while they were married. So they put a $10 price tag on her body, her mind, her spirit. So now here we are...she is in a deep depression, suffering post traumatic stress disorder, wondering what to do next, thinking that no one believes her, wondering what she did to deserve this. And me, feeling betrayed by a system that failed the woman I love, someone who needed a system that would fight for her. I also feel so completely helpless...there is nothing I can do to fix this, to take this hurt away from her. I guess there is much to learn from all this. I just wish that the people who write and enforce the laws about this would learn it as well. The problem is that the only way to really understand what it does to a person is to live through it, and that I would wish upon no one.

-- posted by Helpless33

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