Past crits of poems; thread closed

Top 80. May 14, 2001 6:55 AM

» KayDay - Hey, Mary

Well, shucks, I like your "Bull's Eye" a lot.

It really reads and moves well. For sound, 'cousins' boyfriends,' was a little clunkish. It occurs to me it doesn't matter whose boyfriends they are.

With poetry, we have license to lie without guilt.

Anyway, that's a keeper, that's for sure.

And congrats again, Mary, on Fishtrap. Now when am I gonna get your book?

-- posted by KayDay

http://suite101.com/article.cfm/poetry/1...

Top 81. May 14, 2001 7:04 AM

» KayDay - For Lucy

Lucy, I think you did an admirable job with what I perceive to be a very difficult form. I wrote one, and wouldn't show it to anybody. Well, I did post it at a poetry board, and it took me weeks to get over it. The reponse, I mean.

I wrote an article about pantoums, and it remains one of my most frequently visited pages. Here's the url:

Now, on to specifics. For starters, I can't view the poem as complete without a title. I think a pantoum needs an especially hard hitting one.

The pantoums that really zing for me are those like Kizer's "Parent's Pantoum," where the actual syntax of the repeat line varies from stanza to stanza.

I like the ethereal feel you have going here. Of course, the first thing I thought of when I saw 'ice cream,' was the famous "Emperor of Ice Cream" poem by Wallace Stevens. He wrote somebody (I forget whom), and said he liked this poem because it had a "gaudy" aspect to it. Or something along those lines.

I love the line, "Time is a melting stone." That's just sensational. I think the only thing I can suggest overall is continuing to refine the poem, maybe make it a smidgen more tangible as to the persona, 'she,' and possibly vary the meaning s of the repeat lines.

Good job overall with this form, tho.

she looked at mud and saw buttercups
and tomorrow was an ice cream dream
a gypsy plays the fiddle
the notes cling to her hair

and tomorrow was an ice cream dream
he seduced her before they met
the notes cling to her hair
his house has no furniture

he seduced her before they met
the walls are cracking
his house has no furniture
time is a melting stone

the walls are cracking
the music sounds far away
time is a melting stone
blackbird in a vanilla sky

the music sounds far away
a gypsy plays the fiddle
blackbird in a vanilla sky
she looked at mud and saw buttercups

lucy

-- posted by KayDay

Top 82. May 14, 2001 7:05 AM

» KayDay - for Mary

Can you see me jumping up and down? Thank you so much for taking time to comment on poems by others. Thank you thank you thank you.....

-- posted by KayDay

Top 83. May 14, 2001 7:10 AM

» KayDay - for Rena

Hi, Rena, and welcome to Poetry@suite101.com. Thank you for posting your poem.

Overall, I'd suggest a different title, one that shows rather than tells, and one that might possibly serve as a springboard for the conceit.

A general suggestion would be to come up with some specifics that show me this relationship, particularly in the beginning, that show me why there is so much sadness. Why were their years tragic, specifically?

I'd suggest cutting words like 'soul' completely. Words like this are overused and too general to mean very much.

You seem to have a knack for sound, and that's one of my favorite elements in poetry. I'd simply suggest continuing to refine, whittle, and work on specifics. I'd love to see a rewrite if you choose to do one.

~Sing to me of your sorrow~

As my heart yearns
for your sorrow
My eyes filled with
tears...

My sole (soul?)embellished
in fears

the spoken sadness
we have gathered through

our tragic years...

Pity that dwells in
my empty lonely mind

Searching your love
Only sorrow do I find...

Darkened as the night

As the moon to crest the sky

Skin caressing like
glitter...

Breathing a heavy
sigh

As my body lingers
for integrity

In hope before, I
shall die

Leaving me to sing in your sorrow

Nor, do I question
"Why"

Rena L.Erickson

-- posted by KayDay

Top 84. May 14, 2001 8:32 AM

» BALLE_RINA - Re:Hi Mary...

In response to message posted by ME_Hope:

Yes!!! I think your right. It,was just some thing
I wrote off the top of my head!
Especially about the image part.
Like I said I just,wrote what I was thinking and
feeling,at the time.

"Thanks"

-- posted by BALLE_RINA

Top 85. May 14, 2001 9:28 AM

» BALLE_RINA - Re: For Mary

In response to message posted by BALLE_RINA:

Re-write see if this is better please?

~~~Sing to me of your sorrow~~~

Sing to me of your sorrow
of your lies,and true deceit

For give me of my woes
As, I cry my self to sleep

I can not understand for
the way you are

My heart aches the secrets
you are to keep

You are so confined
Why I do not know

Sing to me your sorrow
Perhaps our love may grow

My body filled with fears
Eyes full of tears

Unhappiness,

struggling,
though the
unspoken sadness

We have gathered
from the years

Because of you
I can not cope
I try not to lose hope

In our love
that should
be strong

With things the way they
are

I don't know if we can
stay together
or even go on

-- posted by BALLE_RINA

Top 86. May 14, 2001 7:14 PM

» KayDay - Note to all who come here

It's time to close this thread so that people will continue to read the poetry posted here. Once we get so many postings, it simply takes too long to pull up.

I've started a new "share a poem" thread where you may post. Anything posted after this message will be moved to the new thread.

If you want a crit, please specify that in your post.

If you're just sharing, no instructions are necessary!

Enjoy!

-- posted by KayDay

Top 87. May 17, 2001 2:52 PM

» mogue - Re: For Lucy

In response to message posted by KayDay:

Kay,
Thanks for the comments and I'll continue to work the poem. I read am incredibly haunting pantoum posted on another bulletin board a few years ago and only know got around to experimenting with the form. I intend to work more with it. So glad, as always, to have you out there.

lucy

-- posted by mogue

Top 88. May 18, 2001 10:39 AM

» ne_109 - what do you think?

Unsought Substance

The idea is the fertility of love
The craziness
The madness
Deliver devastating consequences on one soul’s mind
As long as the seed shall grow
It will be untouched
undesired
It will contain the fury
the hatred
of evaporating emotions
It will disclose in its own molecules
It shall be created once more
From the shattered fragments of nerves, hearts
and bones
It will outlast the shadow
the coldness
the destruction
It shall be here
It will exist

-- posted by ne_109