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Starting OverRead the article this discussion is about
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» Trish225 - What happens at 14? I'm a single parent of four years. My ex-husband visits my 14 yr old son and 9 yr old daughter regularly. My ex and I get along fine as long as I'm not dating anyone. When I begin to date, even a one-time dinner date, he begins to badger and badmouth my character to my children to the point that my son is now very angry and demands that I no longer date or get serious with anyone until he's 18 and can live elsewhere. I had a first-time, one-time dinner date Friday evening and my ex had my son believing that I went home with this stranger. During our marriage he was manipulative and defaming of me as well. For reasons I believe that are because of his own self-esteem. I'm feeling frightened and concerned about this ongoing dilemma. I've in the past talked to my ex about defaming and speaking of me poorly to the children. He would admit his faulty behavior and agree to stop. I also cannot speak of this particular situation to him since I promised confidentiality to my son. What do I do?-- posted by Trish225 » Terrie_Bittner - The following is only a suggestion: The following is only a suggestion: As far as your son is concerned, he needs to remember who the adult is. Tell him that you are an adult and unmarried. Therefore, you are free to date as you choose. You don't need his permission, and you should not feel guilty about it. Does he plan to hold off dating until he leaves home? Your ex-husband is a more challenging situation. You can't really control his behavior. I presume counseling is not an option for the two of you. Perhaps you could take your son to see a counselor, however. This person could explain the father's behavior in a way you cannot, simply because you don't want to put down your ex. Two should definately not be playing this game. Your son will eventually evaluate your character by who you are, not by what his father tells him, so show him who you are by your actions. Tell your son that you do not want to know what is going on in his father's life, and you do not want him to discuss your life with his father. Now that you are divorced, you are entitled to a private life that is not scrutinized by a man you are no longer married to. Suggest to your son that he should only pass along information in either direction if it is really important, and then define what is important. Help your son find a polite way to tell his father that he would like to keep his two lives separated. Keep in mind, I'm not a trained advisor. These are only suggestions. I would advise you to seek some professional help with this problem. It is a serious one.-- posted by Terrie_Bittner » pearlslee - single parent dating Trish,My daughter will be 14 and I've been divorced from her father for 7 years. I've always had the problems you describe, even at a much younger age than 14. I have been in a long term relationship for about 3 years and my daughter has made it clear that if we get married, she will move to her dad's (across the country) Your ex sounds similar to mine -- making things worse instead of better. I've finally taken the stand: "It is good for me to have a relationship with someone. You will have (or are having) relationships yourself. Both of us deserve each other's respect and support." Good luck to you. Stephanie -- posted by pearlslee » Terrie_Bittner - Thank you Stephanie. Thank you Stephanie. Not having been through this myself, it was a difficult one to answer. You are exactly right in your approach.-- posted by Terrie_Bittner
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