Mother and Daughter-In-Law

» PICKLE51 - Re: Difficult Daughter in Law

-- posted by PICKLE51

» calysto1 - Difficult Daughter in Law

Wow - that daughter-in-law sounds very much like mine. Except, my son does try to communicate to us. I find though that in our situation it is really her mother that demands all of her attention and does not want her to have another family. She has hurt me so often that I have felt battered and abused. They have 2 beautiful children. I try to not show how hurt I am in front of the grandchildren. The oldest grandchild has mentioned that he does not like his mother and I was surprised to hear him say one day that no one likes his mother. I told him he should not say such things and that his parents love him very much. The truth is, my son has lost all of his friends and her family has won their domination. In their rare visits to our house, our grandson would hide from her when he knew it was time to go home. I knew it would be different when they first got married, she married on her parents anniversary date, wore her mother's gown. Their first wedding anniversary was spent together and probably some thereafter. She is not an only child. She is the first of their own, her older 2 siblings were adopted and she has a younger brother. When I'm around her and her family at our grandchildren events, her family completely ignores me and her and her mother whisper to each other. Signed - definitely lost a son and encourage the other son not to marry.

-- posted by calysto1

» sdmurr - Difficult Daughter in Law

Confused Parent

-- posted by sdmurr

» daughterinlaw - Difficult Daughter in Law

I came to this site desperately trying to understand the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship that I find so difficult. The postings I read here from sad mothers-in-law really made an impression on me and opened my eyes. I realized something that I would like to share with you, and this is that daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law both think that the other person is out to get them, and this is not necessary true. What is true is that a mother-in-laws needs and a daughter-in-laws needs are very different. When these two women set about to try to met their very different needs, conflict follows. The more I learn about the MIL/DIL (Mother-in-Law/Daugther-in-law) relationship, the more I start to think that the only way to truely get what we want is to understand the other persons perspective. When I first came to this site I was angry at my MIL, had no idea if our relationship would improve, and was curious to understand her point of view. I can tell you that I have benefited from learning the mother-in-law perspective, and I think that you might benefit from hearing the DIL perspective. There are many web sites where DIL complain about their MIL and offer each other advice and support. Read the postings, as they just might help you realize that most daughters-in-law are not evil, they're just misguided and feel threatened. I'll give you my point of view and hopefully this will help you. I'm 29 years old and have been married to my husband for two-and-a-half years. My mother-in-law issues started before I realized what it meant to have a mother-in-law. I naively thought that I was getting married to my husband and that nobody else was involved in our relationship, it was just the two of us on our sweet little island...alone. When my husband told his mother that we were getting married, she was in shock. We got engaged two months after we met, and I suspect this was way too quick for his mother. It was not too quick for me, it was too quick for her - conflicting needs. So, we got off to a bad start (and I didn't even know it at the time). I started to plan our wedding, but it was too stressful. Here I was trying to plan what I thought would be a joyous occasion but every day of planning brought crying spells because it was stressful to try to meet my expectations and eveyone else's too. My mom is a sweet woman, but when my mom told me what wedding dress she always dreamed of me wearing, I realized that this wedding was not about me and my husband, it was about everyone else. So, I decided to go to Hawaii and get married in private and not invite anyone. This was not out of spite-it was a desparate effort on my part to have my dream wedding and keep my sanity too. Once we knew we would be getting married alone, we held a beautiful engagement party and invited all of our closest friends and family. I suspect my husband's mother was hurt that she did not attend our wedding. Again, I was trying to meet my needs, which were to stay sane and have a beautiful ceremony with my husband. My needs conflicted with her needs...strike two. It was not until my husband am I were actually married that I realized that I had a mother in law and that she had needs that I somehow was responsible for fulfilling. I had the sneaking suspicion that things were strained between us, but was not really sure why. (Yes, I was clueless...despite the fact that I had a college degree, was a TV reporter, and felt very grown-up). After we were married, I noticed that my mother-in-law started to pressure my husband to call home more and expressed sadness that they did not have the long telephone conversations that they had before he met me. My husband had lived at home until he was 26 because he was earning a Ph.D. He is from Australia, where this is somewhat normal, do to the high cost of living. In the United States, this is definitely not normal. I felt that his mom had him at home longer than most women have their sons at home and that she was lucky for the time she had had with him, and that now it was time to let him go off into the world on his own. At first I felt like her insisting that he call home more often and talk longer was her not being able to let him go...something that I perceived as an annoying fault of hers. But annoying turned into threatening as I started to feel pressure from her...to call more, chat about mundane things, ask advice, remember anniversaries, send more pictures, etc. I started to feel like her requests were intruding into my personal time, and also intruding into my happy little family, which was made up of me and my husband. I started to compare his side of the family to my side of the family and felt that his family was very needy in comparison to mine. I had left home when I was 18, and sometimes I went months without calling home. Then, I started to picture his mom as this clingy woman who had my husband at home until he was 26 (weird to me) and had her younger son at home at age 29. I pictured her as a woman who wanted her two boys with her until her dying day, in this strange little family where she would cook for them and do their laundry until they were 60. I started thinking more and more that she wanted her son back, all to herself. This just made me feel like protecting my little family with everything I had. It is like two lionesses out in the wild fighting to protect their family, only they're fighting over the same family. It's really sad. We have the family we grow up with, and then the one we create as adults. I can tell you that as a now 29 (and soon-to-be 30 year old woman), I feel a strong drive to create a family. And I can tell you that my husband's mother is the one person I feel has the power to destroy my ability to pro-crate and have my own family. Maybe this is why I feel repulsed by her. It is deep, animalistic, and difficult to verbalize. And maybe this deep animalistic drive to protect my (future) family is also why she feels repulsed by me: she created a family that I am somehow a threat to. It's strange and sad, but I think the MIL/DIL relationship is a bit of a power struggle. So, the question is what can we do about it? How can we meet each others needs? Well, I think that there are some things that we each have to understand about each other. Let's start with things that DIL have to understand about their mother-in-law: a mother loves her son deeply, even when he is grown-up; a mother always wants to be a part of her son's life, even when he is grown-up; mothers have put a lot of love and effort into raising their sons, and they should be praised, thanked and respected for that; MIL don't want to break up your family-they want to be a part of it; wanting pictures, time, phone calls, etc. is just that (don't read into every little thing so much, there is not some evil plot); MIL are not trying to control you, they want to be valued; MIL are not trying to take over your life, they just want a place in it. NOW, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOME THINGS THAT MOTHERS-IN-LAW SHOULD KNOW ABOUT DAUGHTERS-IN-LAW: DIL are not trying to shut you out, they're just trying to protect their turf; DIL are deeply insecure, they need space to spread their wings and build a family of their own; DILs don't understand MILs, this is a very un-natural relationship that is built or destroyed through trial and error; you need your adult sons more than they need you; your sons are not brainwashed or under some evil spell, they have truly changed in many aspects are not the same little boys you raised (please accept that they did a lot of this changing on their own when you were not looking and that it is not always because of the DIL, it may just be more apparent to you once she is in the picture). I can also share some things with you that my husband has told me. This is meant only to offer you insight into the mind of your grown son and help you understand him better. My husband has told me that he used to really need his mom emotionally. When he was in this new country and trying to build his career as a young single guy with no close friends, he talked to his mom a few times a week, sometimes for a couple of hours. He told her his hopes, dreams, disappointments, everything. But once he met me, he had someone to share this with, and he didn't feel like confiding in his mom as much. He also said that the only reason he had these long talks with her was that he needed someone to talk to and he literally had nobody else. He has told me how frustrating it is for him to keep up with his mom now that he is married. He feels he just does not need her in the same way. He still loves her, but he needs her less. The strain for him comes in that she still needs him a lot, so he is forced to give more than feels natural for him. He needs to talk to his mom about once a week for maybe 15 or 20 minutes, she needs much more than this and he feels strained. We work long hours and sometimes calling his mom feels like a chore and an imposition on our couple time or his time alone. He has also told me that I am much more interesting to him than his mom is and that he outgrew his family when he was about 16. He was always more academic than his family and found that eventually they were not able to help him with his homework or to really keep up with him in a lot of his conversations and interest. In some ways his mom is the women he outgrew, and I am the woman he grew towards. I know this may sound hurtful to a mother, but this is the son's point of view. My husband loves his mother deeply, but has little in common with her now. He wants her in his life, but to a point. He loves her, but he loves his wife too. It is a difficult position for him. My advice to mothers is to keep changing and evolving...your relationship with your son will be different when he is an adult, but it can still be good. And keep changing and evolving in the way you relate to him. Maybe he does not need you as much emotionally or intellectually, but he will always need your love, acceptance, and support. Also, be willing to step aside and let his wife shine as a wife and a mother. You had your turn, now do the same for some young, insecure wife who loves your son, and desperately, TOO desperately wants you to take her seriously-as an adult and a wife an mother. I'm glad I found this site. I'm going to make amends with my mother-in-law and stop seeing her as a threat. I realize now that she is just wants to be part of our lives and she does not want to lose her family. After all, what she is asking for is not too much. Yes, I will be going out of my way and it will be a lot of work for me, but it will be worth to be able to make my husband happy, my future kids happy, and myself happy. Not to mention that my father-in-law might finally get some peace Good luck to all of you!

-- posted by daughterinlaw

» goodbyeheart - Difficult Daughter in Law

I just want to say: if you have a son, remember that you will love that boy just as much as you love the daughter you might have. You will lose that son, however. You will. Your Daughter, you will keep.

It is hard for the Mother who has only sons because she is asked to raise him, love him dearly, then give him away forever.

If she's lucky, she gets a DIL who isn't insecure and will allow the son to be a part of her life.

I could write volumes of the heartbreak of having to bury your son while he's still alive. It is beyond horrible.

I wish I'd never had my sons now. It hurts too much to lose them.

-- posted by goodbyeheart

» peace2you - Difficult Daughter in Law

All I can say is "Will you be my daughter in law?" You are such a wise and insightful young woman. You are to be commended.

I truly have the d/i/l from hell. All jokes aside. She is a goldbricking b_____. I have never been allowed to see my 3 grandchildren age 3 and 1. My son is a wimp who follows along after her like a dog in heat. I'm sorry if that sounds crass but it is the only picture that describes them. Whatever she says GOES! Period. He is so dominated and manipulated it makes us sick. She never even wanted to meet me before they were married and then when she did, she turned her nose up at my family. My son's alcoholic father is wealthy (we were divorced in 1982) and he has pretty much supported my 33 year old son since he has become an adult. (My son lived with my ex after our divorce and was raised in his house). Now, my ex financially supports son, d/i/l and family. Neither one of them works! They live a VERY advantaged lifestyle. My husband and I are middle class. Not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination but comfortable. I have a professional job and my husband is in management. My son and d/i/l look down their snobby noses at us as if they have a right to do this. They have never earned one penny that they have acquired. The stories about my evil d/i/l would curl your hair but as of this writing, we have been cast out of their lives for the major portion of time they have been married which is around 12 years. We've only been thrown a crumb of contact now and then over this span of time. We've been to their home one time and then it was only to deliver a home cooked meal while d/i/l was on bedrest before the twin's birth. As soon as the babies were born, we were heartlessly cast out of their lives again. Alot has to do with requirements my bitter ex has for them to not allow me into their lives or the money will be stopped. But, d/i/l and son are very willing to agree to this requirement for their own financial benefit. It is an utterly hopeless situation (with an insecure stepmom involved, also.) I never dreamed when I held my infant son in my arms for the 1st time, 33 years ago, and looked into his sweet face, that one day I would be writing such a story. But, sadly it is my reality today. I sympathize with all of you mothers and mothers in law. It is just a sad state of affairs. The traditional family is disentagrating right before our eyes and there is nothing we can do about it. These adult kids of ours are creating their own futures which will be mirror images of ours one day and they don't even realize it. How sad.

-- posted by peace2you

» goodbyeheart - Difficult Daughter in Law

There are many sites where the DIL's can talk about their MIL's like they are nothing but rats roaming the streets. There is nowhere for MIL's to turn (except this one).

It would be a great benefit to all of us.

The disgusting things that are said about MIL's on the site: www.motherinlawstories.com are without a doubt, beyond the pale.

PLEASE! SOMEONE! START A SITE WHERE WE CAN UNDERSTAND THE NEW GENERATION OF GIRLS. FAMILY TO THEM IS THEIR FRIENDS OR HER FAMILY, NOT HIS FAMILY.

-- posted by goodbyeheart

» peace2you - Difficult Daughter in Law

Here is the address to a Yahoo Group for MILS
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AbandonedG...

You just have to apply for membership much like you did here. Approval is done quickly.

-- posted by peace2you