Sad Mother In Law

» Emily47 - Cold DIL put me on a schedule.

I am just so sad as my ice-cold DIL has forbidden me to see my small grandchildren on any day other than 3 hours on a scheduled weekday morning. She is a high powered executive, so has a fulltime nanny who, until recently, was very pleasant to me. Their previous nanny (also Mexican) was outright nasty to me, and ended up being nasty to them too as well as chronically tardy, so was fired, but not before she had drilled my DIL's head with a barrage of lies about me.
Their home runs like clockwork, with cleaning women and handymen and so on, all regulated brilliantly so that nothing is ever a surprise. Without this she would not be so effective in her career, so I fully understand all this. However, given the huge importance of the nanny, she is never allowed to be questioned or made upset -- and I upset her one day by taking a friend over who has two rather over-excitable sons. The nanny complained and I was yelled at, by both my son and my DIL. I retreated. I hate fights, I just seize up.
A week later my DIL and I met for a talk. I was shaking, but I more or less held my ground despite her icy demeanor. DIL said that there is absolutely no room for spontaneity in their lives, that I could only see the kids on her terms or not at all, that she knew how much the kids love me and me them, but that she needed to consider the nanny first and foremost or else her career might suffer. I told her that I was dismayed at her lack of respect, and was also taken by surprise at her intense dislike of me, and her insisting the nanny's feelings come first. I pointed out that so many times I had been asked to baby-sit or go round if there was an emergency, and that it's not good enough to expect me to drop everything and go there at their request yet not be able to see my grandchildren on anything other than a schedule. She replied that she can easily afford baby-sitters and that she had asked me to baby-sit only because she felt I would enjoy it.
For 2 weeks I didn't see them, then got an email saying I was "allowed" to take the kids out between the hours of 9 - 1 pm, and to return them on time. I did so. Upon my return the nanny handed me a pile of library books for the kids and told me to return them and get new ones. The next day I did just that, then called to ask what I should do with them. I was told to "leave them outside the front door". I saw red.
I just don't know how to handle all this -- being allowed to see my precious grandkids just 3 hours a week, and being so excluded from everything else. I am in my early sixties, am new to this city, am divorced, and they are my only grandchildren.

-- posted by Emily47

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