I am desparate! Please help....

» Ademide - This is an awful feeling....

Please help!

I am almost at the edge. I live in Washington state. Our ombudsman does not care and the political climate is not good for those of us who are dissociative. For the first time I feel like giving up. I am crying as I write this letter. I am hopeless. Is there a National Agency that can advocate for me? Please do not refer me back to Spokane's Ombudsperson! This is no good. I have called our Governor's office on several occasions. I have written Senator Patty Murray's Office, and her STAFF person wanted a statement from my therapist saying I was not some "crazy" woman before she would help me. When I complained to Senator Murray's, DC office about this, I got no reply. I called our Adult Protective Services here, there is no help for me. Please you are my only help. I am all alone and feel helpless and there is only one way out of this one because no one really cares.

I have been abused by several caregivers contracted by Elderly Services at Spokane Mental Health. They don't understand DID. They don't want to and don't care to. They would rather lock me away and throw away the key. They would rather medicate than treat. So I have a private therapist that I can only afford to see once a month on my Medicare. I see a Therapist at Family Services once a week, but she is gone on sick leave on my Medicaid. Spokane Mental Health hates that, but they won't treat me for my DID, only for the PTSD and depression. My case manager traumatizes the vulnerable ones. The caregivers steal from us because they think when we dissociate, we are stupid and the last one doped us and made sexual overtures. One even had her christian friends come in and lay hands on us and pray to cast out demons. All this has set us back in treatment. One "little" is so afraid of going to "the hell" she can't sleep.

Now my problem, we had to fire the last caregiver when we found her stealing, doping us and not feeding the more vulnerable "parts." She told us that the case manager at Elderly Services told her to treat us like a "drunk" and "incompetent" person. When I confronted Pat Hall, the case manager, her only response to this when the caregiver said it to her on the phone was "I am not going to get between the two of you." Now I have seen their comprehensive assessment on me. There is nothing positive in there about any of us. They have lumped all the personalities together and made us look like ONE BIG insane UGLY person. This goes to anyone who might want to care for us. Everything is incorrect. None of the information came from any therapist that has treated us on a consistent basis. I was not supposed to see this. If caregivers have this impression of me, then no wonder I am treated so badly in addition to my illness. If Spokane Mental Health and Elderly Services thinks I am insane, then no wonder their caregivers who they don't screen treat me so badly and abuse me.

Now, since I won't lay down and DIE and we have personalities who will defend our right to survive, they are withholding services from us. We have not had a decent meal since I can't remember. I may have been sometime last month when our son was here. The last caregiver has not cooked. We cannot because we tend to forget the stove is on. We cannot take our meds because we forget. I asked for them to at least change out our lifeline for the newer model that will at least remind us to take our meds on time and they refuse because they are angry. They have refused to provide caregiving services for me to get to the doctor, to fix meals, for me to pay my rent, to check to see how I am doing, even though they knew I was hysterical and I told them one personality has suicidal ideologies when the house is cluttered and we are stressed. I told them we had no microwavable meals to eat and a freezer full of food that we could not cook on our own. WE have lymphadema from an earlier breast cancer which is painful and we need to see our doctor three times a week for treatment and we are denied that. All because we complain about their not screening their caregivers properly.

Now they want to have a "meeting" before they will provide any further services for me. The cards are all stacked against me. I am isolating now. I don't' care if I do anything any more. I have now locked myself in my home. Who cares if I eat, get treatment, get my bills paid. If I get evicted, they will say I am incompetent. They know I am not able to get out on my own. They know I am hungry, I told them. They know I don't even know what day it is. They know I am not taking my meds and NO ONE cares. I cannot and will not go to that meeting with the cards stacked against me in the state I am in. I will crack. I will have a nervous breakdown. I know I will. No one thinks enough of me now in my depressed state. so why have a meeting?

Please help me. Is there anything you can do? I am not used to this state. I am not from here. Where I am from, people actually care about their handicapped people and the ADA applies. Not here. I am only 45 years old and feel 90. I feel like it is the end of my life. They hate me because Lorraine has a big mouth, or because we are multiples or because we are black or because we wont die and get off their case load. OR because we wanted to get better! Now I just want to give the hell up.

My number is (509) 893-8699 can you help? Or does anybody in America care?

Tonya

-- posted by Ademide

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» TJS_RN - Re: This is an awful feeling....

In response to message posted by Ademide:
Dear Tonya;
I do not believe you are a true multiple or you would not know what the others are doing. I do think you dissociate quite often to try to draw attention to yourself & when something is done wrong you blame "the others". Maybe I'm totally wrong. I was an RN on a psychiatric unit until I became disabled. I do not & will not pretend to know it all but I practiced psych nursing for 5 years.

I truly do understand your feeling of no one cares or understands you, I do have loved ones who do care but most times I cannot feel it. I too have a mental illness, severe depression & anxiety, I've had cancer twice now looking at a third time, first two were ovarian now it is breast CA, I also have a degenerative joint disease which has caused me to have osteoarthritis, also have COPD. So I too have more than my share of physical problems, some days I feel 80. I also understand your fear of a nervous breakdown, I am 43 my husband & mother are the only ones that have seen me at my very worst what I would call my nervous breakdown. That was when they really knew I needed help.
I too am looking for a mental health advocate to help me with my social security case. I've had 2 attorneys so far,1 with my workmans comp lawsuit. The other attorney is appointed to me by my former employers long term disability insurance company. I talked with our Iowa NAMI yesterday, I felt like I was nothing but a nuissance to her. She said she was going to call me back with a couple of phone numbers to help me out but imagine this I haven't heard another word from her. So if NAMI doesn't really help us then who will. I like you am about to write my congressmen & governor or Bush. The only thing the NAMI lady told me was to get rid of the appointed attorney, because she is also looking out for my former employer. Good luck, my prayers are with you.

-- posted by TJS_RN

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