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nodders
- Re: Re: ANGER :-0
In response to
message posted by
scottishgirl:
Hello,
I am new here, a friend of mine send me the address and I thought I would check it out. I have to say I am impressed. I think this will help me far more than my mother coming round to see how well I have been coping with my housework and my friends telling me that I look as if I could do with some more rest! Although I have to admit that I KNOW that it is meant well, but sometimes I just do not want to hear that. Sometimes I would rather live in a messy house for a day or two than have someone come over and " do it for me ". Am I being ungrateful?
Anger? Well, that is something I have been dealing with for quite some time. I don't want to bore anyone with my life story, but I need to vent!
I married my first husband 12 years ago. He was stationed here in Germany and I thought he was the cream of the cake, although I knew he would not make me happy. We agreed we would stay in Germany and then had our first baby. Then came Saudi Arabia and after that we moved to the USA. We had two more children and were then supposed to have the enjoyful time of our lives. This is when my husband decided to change his mind. Our youngest was one month old and he just came home from work one afternoon, packed his bags and away he went. Leaving me with three children and no family, no money...
I lasted in the USA for two years trying to stay incase he decided to at least be a father for our children he would be able to until i had a nervous breakdown (surprise, surprise) and decided to come home to Germany.
All of a sudden, he awoke out of nowhere and fought to keep the family in the US, he didn't want to help though, so I had to fight a five month court battle be allowed to leave.
When I got to Germany I picked up the pieces, worked my behind off, went to school, got a degree and then after three years a job managing a company which enables me to earn enough money to support my family alone.
Six months later I was diagnosed with Lupus.
Anger? Yes, I became very angry. I am not a lazy cow that sits around her home all day complaining about her ailments. I am a fighter, I take care of problems, I can!!!!!! I hate having to say I cannot. No I am sorry kids, I cannot take you to the park today, I am happy if I make it to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Sorry, i cannot make it in to work today, I just feel so tired!!??! Did I really work my now oh so growing behind off to lie in bed and become a vegetable? Why didn't I just stay at home, enjoy my kids and live off the state? That makes me angry. I feel sometimes as if i have put this upon myself, as if I am now paying a bill for something I did to myself, and that makes me angry. At myself. Why is it I can cope with so many things but then this something has to creep up on me and wave a flag in my face saying, hello, my name is Lupus, lets see you cope with me!!har har.
I met someone new about six months ago, he is now living with us. He is wonderful, we have a wonderful time together. The sex is fabulous. And then I lie in bed and hope he doesn't want sex cuz I am so tired I just want to sleep and I feel as if I just turned 85. Not that at 85 I would not want sex with him, but I know how tired my grandmother gets sometimes. I am 32 for gods sake, I want an active sexlife. I finally meet someone that can satisfy me and I am afraid of falling asleep half way through and I would rather have a hot bath to make the joint ache go away.
That makes me angry!!!!!
But you know what I have found, anger is also therapeutic. Anger gives us energy, anger revives the soul. Instead of waiting for the doctors to figure out a cure, it stops me from giving up. It makes me find other ways to cope. So now after learning to say, I am sorry, I can't, I have learnt to say, I am sorry, I can't just now, but AS SOON AS I GET A GRIP ON THIS LITTLE FLARE I can if I want to.
I do a lot more things that I actually enjoy doing, that are good for me. And that includes having great sex whenever I have the energy even if the house looks as is if a bomb had exploded.
Noddy
