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» JenniferG1027 - Need Advice

I seem to be going through a hard time right now. I feel like I am the only one going through it, but I know that's not true. I have sought the advice of clergy, mental health professionals, military chaplains, gone on retreat, pretty much done everything to make me feel better, but nothing makes me feel better. In 2000, I met an Army soldier on the Internet in a chatroom for military people (I'm in the Navy Reserve; wanted to see what the Army was like). He lived 2000 miles away from me. He is on the West Coast and I am on the East Coast. Not long after I met him on the Internet, he was deployed overseas. During this time, our relationship became stronger through letters. I longed to meet him and finally did, spending two weeks with him when he returned. He came to visit me. It worked out well, and a month later, he was proposing. Only the proposal had a catch -- I give up my family, friends and career to live with him in the hot, desert area of the US where his base is. When we originally met in person, he told me he was getting out of the Army in a few months. I relied on this and decided to pursue the relationship. Now now he had changed his mind and decided to reenlist. He is a lot younger than me, and couldn't see the problem with this. I was older and really wanted to get married, plus I love him. I told him I didn't want to go live with him, and he reenlisted anyway, despite my wishes. He still thought, during the year we were engaged, that he could convince me to go live with him, but in the end, I remained unconvinced. This was 2 years ago, and I am still here 2000 miles away from him. I ended up marrying him a year ago. The whole time I have known him, I have felt feelings of pain and isolation and loneliness. I also feel resentment, because I am the breadwinner and carry the financial burden of the relationship. I have gotten myself in debt with wedding costs, plane tickets, and the phone. He hasn't always done his share to pitch in, and he is now aware of this. We fight a lot, and I often wish I were never married. He insists he loves me and that he is sorry for his decision. He has been trying, but to me, having him here is what I want more than anything. To compound things, I have recently purchased a house in the area where I live. This firmly implants me in the state where I am from. He is now going over to the Persian Gulf, which fills me with even more loneliness and worry. We rely greatly on the phone for our relationship and I haven't been able to talk to him. I have so much anger and resentment at his decision to reenlist. We have two more years of a long distance marriage, and one 6-9 month deployment overseas to get through... I haven't found anyone or anything who can help me with the pain this is causing. Sometimes I want to end the marriage and be free again, but I love him and know it will work out when he gets home. I hardly feel married right now. We have never spent more than two weeks together. We mostly see each other for 4 days, every 2 months.

-- posted by JenniferG1027

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