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TOXIC friends
This archived discussion is "read only". « Previous 1 2 Next » » Tery - Re: Re: Re: let's rip into this discussion - toxic friends! In response to message posted by Opfan1:Yes, as friends, people are suppose to confide in each other, but when the other person is sucking up all your energy and is completely self-centered and self absorbed, that is toxic. I had friends in my life where they were so absorbed in their own problems, as if I didn't have any. When I did "try" to talk about my feelings and my problems they never "truly" listened, never really had eye contact. If the conversation wasn't about them and their lives then they weren't really interested in what I had to say. You know when you meet someone toxic. You just do. It is when they suck up all your energy, make you tired and exhausted and always seems to NEED something from you all the time. There is a difference between True friends and Needy people. -- posted by Tery » krissyp - Re: Re: Re: Re: let's rip into this discussion - toxic friends! In response to message posted by Tery:agreed, teri! i am in a relationship like that now. my toxic friend - well i explained it all to her but she doesn't seem to stop whining and guilting me nad mentioning, "you didn't call". then she tells me today that she's dating a new guy and she'll never neglect or forget me. and she'll be there for me despite this new relationship. what's that about? -- posted by krissyp » notjustbrowsing - Re: Re: Re: Re: let's rip into this discussion - toxic friends! In response to message posted by Tery:Dear Tery, toxic friends are something which we have to remove from our social circle just as the body will always find a way to eliminate toxins. Some friendships may be for life and others not, that is for sure. But a toxic friend will always mean the end of either of the above. They are poison running through your veins and disrupt the proper shared circulation in the bloodstream of memories, emotions and all the things friends share. The last toxic friend I encountered considered that I was not doing enough to share her joy with her. I accept that I was treating her unlike my other friends but that was because they all payed more attention to me than her and had always had boyfriends whom they had even let me meet. The fact that my toxic friend had been single for a long time is just irrelevant to me. Everybody else who had a boyfriend whom I have ever known has remained polite except for her. She would be very disappointed if she knew the real reason why we aren't friends anymore. She must still think it is because she found a boyfriend but I know it was because she was herself. A toxin which I had to eliminate to be free to enjoy my real friends. The ones who let me come to their house even though their man is there, e-mail me and ask me how I am, take me out clubbing so I can meet men because they e-mailed me to know how I was. Not like my friend who claimed she had "no time to chat" when she met her boyfriend and therefore none to discover how unhappy I was unlike every other worthwhile and non-single friend I have. If she had no time then I don't see why she would have it to talk about the boyfriend I now have. The only thing she thought would make things right in our friendship was that. That I would find one and have something she had, that was all she had to say to make me feel better. But I knew it was something a lot more toxic than that... -- posted by notjustbrowsing » Tery - Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: let's rip into this discussion - toxic frie In response to message posted by krissyp:Hi Krissy, I was on vacation for 3 weeks! IT sounds like your friend only needs you when a significant other isn't in her life. But I don't know her or the whole friendship, so I could be wrong. My friend ditched me when I was dating my husband at the time. I didn't ignore her and in fact, I tried to make plans with JUST me and her alone to do things but I think that she was jealous with the fact that I had courage to leave my abusive relationship/marriage and she didn't have courage to leave her marriage. True friends will be there no matter what and let you do what you need to do in your life without holding grudges. I find that people can be so exhausting and sometimes I don't have the time or energy to deal with things. I have Fibromyalgia amongst other things and I just am too tired to do things and friends don't seem to understand that. This is where the True Test comes in with friendship. I wish you luck and hope your friend does the right thing. -- posted by Tery » krissyp - Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: let's rip into this discussion - toxic In response to message posted by Tery:thanks for sharing, ladies! friendships are hard to maintain. the friend i wrote this about, we're doing better. it is hard when she's single, plus she has an anxiety disorder very bad so i play therapist. but that i haven't done since we talked it out. she knows i can't be there all the time.... keep reading! -- posted by krissyp » notjustbrowsing - Tery's claims... Dear Tery,
Is that ALL you can come up with- claim that she "ditched" you so to say ? Take a step back and consider that her circle of friends stretches further than you. Lots of people have husbands and you can be sure your friend has friends with men as difficult as your ex was. Do you think they all act the way you do when you are in a relationship ? Do you think she has ditched them all if they are in one ? Do you think she is that stupid ? (If you accuse her of jealousy so on such weak grounds you may as well). Maybe it is your twisted pride over leaving an abusive realtionship which makes you draw such conclusions ? -not her... When you say you made time to be JUST with her, is that in fact time in which you can have her under your thumb and available when and where you want her ? So that in reality she could become what you made her out to be- maybe you created her... Maybe you would gain from inviting her to REALLY share more of you than just presuming she is so out of it that you have to treat her unlike your other acquaintances. Organise a barbecue and make sure your love interest is there as well as a maximum of your friends- are you ready to do something like that ? Maybe you just want to push her back into restrictive one-to-one dates in which you can make her feel cornered so all she will have left is to feel jealous. Ditched is a big word- it means the object concerned ends up at the bottom of a big, dark, wet place. As far as I am concerned that's all you are staring out of when you mention your friend. -- posted by notjustbrowsing » notjustbrowsing - MY STORY Dear Suite101 members,
I knew Astrid from school and although I had always known her by sight and reputation as a brilliant student we did not become friends until my final year. After the exams she invited me to her house and we maintained contact by regular letters to each other when she was at university in Germany and I in England. It was a consistent, balanced exchange between friends which culminated in two weeks spent in France together the next summer. We had a great time after which she e-mailed me to ask how I was and say that she had been accepted at Warwick university for a BA in management. Contact became a regular exchange of e-mails very much alike that which we sustained when I was already in England and she still in Germany. But it did not last. The last subject of our electronic exchange was that of my impending visit to Warwick. It was not to be. Shortly after the Christmas break her messages stopped arriving in my inbox in as abrupt a manner as I have ever experienced. Although I suspected there was more to it than a mere lapse of attention I typed her a witty e-mail with a list of options. One of which read "in the throes of a new love affair" as a reason for not bothering with me. Her response confirmed my worst fears. It read "no time to chat Jules, it's option V. See you in Belgium though, we have internet at home now and I can check my e-mail over the Easter holidays. There was no mention of "dear" or any such polite beginning to a letter. That was what she had been able to keep up when studying abroad in Heidelberg. And that was another country ! Now that we were on the same island, I had been more than welcome to come over and for some strange reason she was determined that we should only e-mail each other when in the same town and abroad. She had always had internet at home, I knew that for a fact. She had even e-mailed me after the holiday we had spent together the summer before ! Suddenly there was "no time" to e-mail to show any interest in me whatsoever, only to ensure I was in a different country to her love interest- which I was to discover as a fiercely guarded treasure. We did not meet that Easter and she did not e-mail me in Belgium either as she said she would. I called her in the hope of finding some friendly contact but all she had to recount concerned her man. Unlike my other friends, she did not suss my tone of voice and suggest we go out on the pull. Which is what one of them did, and which today I do for her in return. This friend also happened to have a boyfriend but she had done ever since I had known her- this caused me no problem and I had met most of her men. And she was based in Belgium and had been e-mailing be before I came over. Astrid had failed to do any such thing. She spent plenty of time online before coming back to Belgium in summer and e-mail me. I sent her two blank e-mails titled "cheers mate it's always good to chat to you" and a second titled "another one". She replied to each without providing any text for solace and simply titled it "you're welcome" in reply. The time she spent in front of the computer was clearly not destined to bother with me any more. She was to become oblivious to the world in which I evolved as well as my close circle of friends. In the meantime every single other friend around me continued to act as if I existed. I typed to them confessing coming home early from parties in tears and crying myself to sleep at night. The recipients of this information were friends who were in back home as well as those in the UK and Ireland. They all knew I had never had a boyfriend and how much difficulty I was having. So did Astrid. But she had never had one either and seemed to think this was a good excuse to not bother acting like other friends of mine who had always boyfriends. In fact, all of them, many of which had done so ever since I had first known them. Her last e-mail to me in England was not concerned with my welfare either. She simply wanted to know when I would be back and for how long. I replied with the details and suggested that I should come over as we had been discussing months ago. The change of tone was dramatic. She stated exams as an excuse for me not to come until they ended. Her words were "no time before that". "And then theoretically you could come only Chrissy's coming over, we'll have to accommodate that a bit". Chrissy was a female, a threat, and yet welcome to stay in her student room after the exams. This was too much for me to believe. She also mentioned that "here we are Julia, until you find a boyfriend". I went to Warwick university's website for some answers. The date at which exams ended for the school of management took place nearly three weeks before the end of Astrid's accommodation license in the residence I knew she was staying at. At that point the message was loud and clear, and that was for me to stay away... I made myself clear as well when I replied, and, agressively, I admit, wrote a pushy postscriptum which stated "I don't even want to know where you're going". She left on holiday with her boyfriend to Germany and Geneva before our meeting that summer. To my amazement she also brought a female friend with her.Thanks to my efforts we met in summer and I refused to look at a photograph of her boyfriend. But I did look at that of the friend who was with them in Germany and Geneva and whom, interestingly enough, lived there. So when she had refused contact with me on the same island she was maintaining enough with someone abroad enough to let them meet her man. This was all too much for me. Her big complaint was that I had no wish to share. I wished I could tell her how much I did- if only she would let me have as much of her as her other friends. She did not answer my e-mails after that meeting and simply left to the USA. You cannot imagine just how bored I was with her to not want to look at a picture of the guy.
She did not remove my e-mail address from her address book when she left to the States. Instead of friendly messages I found myself confronted with regular chain mail on a weekly basis. Over twenty people figured on the list of addresses and I am still curious to know if any of them had been denied a glimpse of Simon the way I was. Whether they had been allowed one or not, the mail arrived kept on arriving during a whole year of study. I only opened them up out of curiosity. This ended when she was to return to Europe and sent out a message titled "rubber stamp" which was clearly destined to her closest and dearest. But it excluded Simon, which leaves me guessing where they stood at that point. She sent it out to the same group of more than twenty people and only mentioned "Liz, Lindsay, Cinzi, love y'all" at the end of it. And I am left alone to know that it wasn't because I was female- it was because I was me. Unfortunately for her she cannot realise just how little her finding a boyfriend had to do with our drifting apart. And how even less my finding one would make things better. Please read this carefully and learn from my painful experience... -- posted by notjustbrowsing » Tery - Re: Tery's claims... In response to message posted by notjustbrowsing:First of all, I know for a fact she was jealous of me leaving my ABUSIVE relationship. You don't know me or this friend. She ended up cheating on her husband with more than 5 men. She DIDN't have the BALLS to leave and chose to cheat and I lost respect for her. There is more to the story than needs to be said. And you don't know me or this ex-friend of mine. Her circle of friends didn't go further than me, maybe two other friends at that. And she didn't happen to have friends who had a husband like my ex. I was the only one she knew AT THE TIME that was going through abuse. I don't have a twisted pride! I cannot believe your post. You have no idea who I am as I don't know who you are. When someone is in an abusive relationship, most of the time, PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE YOU! And my Friend of 23 years, didn't believe me! She was jealous that I HAD A REASON TO LEAVE. She HURT ME not the other way around. She was the one who ended the relationship, not me. I mentioned her in this discussion only to explain how when WE are always there for our friends,it seems that when we need THEM, they aren't there for you. So, my new man in my life had nothing to do with anything. I didn't ignore her, I didn't stop calling her, I didn't stop listening to her problems or whatever. SHE called me a week before Christmas and told me to go to hell. There is more to the story and I don't have to explain every detail. -- posted by Tery » Iammyself - Toxic "Family" Friends Hi I have a dilima and I am not sure how to handle it.My husband has been friends with the woman in question since he was in high school. Not close friends, but friends none the less. She moved away about the time my relationship started with my husband and I met her for the first time after he and I had been married a year, when she came back to visit. I'd heard about her from my husband who still kept in contact with her. In fact, after he and I married (eloped), she chose to do the same thing with her husband, same date different month. I have only been living in this state for 3 years and I am a rather shy person and don't make friends easily, much to my husband's chagrin, so it convenient to make friends with this girl. She lived far away anyway. She was three mpregnantegnate when she came to visit and I had just found out I was...this became a bonding point. (However I lost the child)...She and I established e-mail contact. She kept lamenting how she wanted to move back to the area, but she and her husband needed help moving (her being pregnate and all)...So my husband (who works 12 hour days 6 days a week) and I took a one way flight to them and drove them back 1500 miles in less than 2 days amidst a great deal of complaining by her. Alarm bells were going off, but I was so relieved to have a female friend I ignored it. She was always complaining how her parents would treat her badly (I know now it's because they know her ways and are sick of it). She constantly was borrowing things from me...and never returning them. She would have to copy the things I did, down to hair cut, perfume I wore, style of clothing....She would pour her troubles, deep, horrible psychological troubles out on me. I suggested often (because our time together was always turning into a counseling sessiong), that she needed to speak to a therapist. But she would say "I'd rather not talk to a stranger about these things...I'd rather talk to my friends". I witnessed how she would use her other friends and talk behind their backs when they refused to acquiesce to her wants and expectations. I began garnering a great distaste for her...But my husband (who calls her a piece of crap behind HER back) was so happy that we all got along. He developed a good friendship with her husband and liked the little gatherings we had. She once chewed me out for having conversations with her husband and ignoring her, but, having a history with my husband would completely cut me their conversations. She got a free turkey and suggested we have a "Thanksgiving" together sometime after the real holiday. She had to work the day we planned but was going to come over that evening...she only supplied the turkey...I supplied everything else. I spent the day slaving over the stove, taking care of HER child, putting up with HER husband, my husband and taking care of my stepson. She walked in that evening, sat down complained that she was BEAT from working a 6 hour day(she had a very cushy job too) and never helped at all...not even with clean up, then didn't even say thank you after. I wondered why I was letting her do this to me!! When my mother died, my husband and I had to fly 2400 miles to her funeral. Obviously it was devistating, and I was in dire need of support. The day after I returned my friend called me. She needed a ride to the dr (she had to have a check up on a knee injury). I took her. Spent time I should have been resting at the drs...then asked her if she would please spend the evening with me because I didn't want to be alone. She told me. "I just don't feel like it, sorry". I didn't see her again after that. She would call me because her husband wanted to move back to his home state, agonizing about if she should go or not. I told her often that I was still trying to recover from my mother's death but she'd say "You should help me decide on what to do, that will get your mind off of things." Finally she decided they were going to stay...her grandmother was going to help her and her husband get a house (actually was going to live with them in said house). The final straw was when she called me up all in a fit because one of her other friends wasn't doing back flips at the fact she was getting a house. The conversation progressed into something about an incident which happened over the summer...I'd injured myself and acted like a baby (breaking your arm when you have no insurance and are laid off on a job is enough to make pain even worse than normal)....She intimated that she knows my husband better than I do and how I should have acted to manipulate him better (Oh yes which reminds me, all through our relationship she was constantly encouraging me to lie to my husband, as she does to hers). She then said a few more insulting things (which it wasn't uncommon for her to put me down)...then proceeded to tell me my decision to try to have a child was wrong and that she'd need ear plugs in the delivery room because I'd be screaming (which isn't like me on the norm..I have a high pain tolerance, which anyone who knows me...knows) I decided then and there that enough was enough. I wasn't going to take anymore. I thought about how to cut ties, for my own sake I knew I'd have to be immediate or I'd lose courage and not do it. I thought about telling her why, but know it would just "hurt" her and why should I air all my grievences just to make myself feel better (and give her ammunition to manipulate others with)? I stopped answering her calls and deleted her emails. She contacted my husband a few months later because things in her life gone bad (from the email she wrote, which he in turn sent me). It seems she and her husband wanted the house all to themselves. The deal of Grandma living with them was forgotten (which I remember her telling me clearly) and changed to that she was only supossed to be staying with them occasionally. The grandmother was selling the house (had done her wrong by doing so), so they had to move back to her husband's home state. She began to bug my husband about me (I NEVER talked to my husband about her, I only told him that I didn't want anything to do with her and why). When she began to him, she kept asking why I wasn't talking to her (telling him, however, that she knew why) and pulling a pity party on him...he got angry at me and asked why I was putting him in the middle of this. I responded that I wasn't putting him in the middle that she was...and that I'd rather he didn't have anything to do with her, but if he felt he had to, that he should simply refuse to discuss me. Still I am the bad guy in his point of view....He feels like I am putting him in a bad situation because I don't wish to have a relationship with her.....I think he shouldn't even have anything to do with her considering, and am upset that he can be manipulated by her and that he even DISCUSSES me with her......My husband is dysfunctional I know...he will admit that he likes talking to her because she's such a complete mess it amuses him.....but it hurts me that he would value her friendship over my feelings. Am I wrong for ejecting this person from my life? Am I putting my husband in the middle even though I don't discuss her, ask about her, and haven't even demanded he has no contact with her? Should I have told her exactally why I wanted no more contact with her??? If I hadn't have broken it off like I did...I would have gone on being used and abused until I cracked.....and my husband continuing a friendship with this poisonous person is driving me insane!!!!!!! -- posted by Iammyself « Previous 1 2 Next » Please follow the guidelines set forth in the Suite101 Posting Etiquette when adding to the discussion. |
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