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Top 92. Sep 18, 2001 1:36 PM

» SteveT - Hillbilly computer jargon

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bit- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the
porch longways."
Byte -Whut them dang flys do
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Diskette - Female disco dancer
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Hard drive - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and
pulling a trailer load of fertilizer
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put thier hair
Keyboard - Place to hang your truck keys
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live
Online - Where you hang your clothes to dry
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Windows - Place in the truck to hang your guns
Floppy - When you run out of Polygrip
Modem - How you got rid of your dandelions
Reboot - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff
Network - How to get yer bait for fishin
LAN - To borrow as in, "Hey Bart! LAN me yore truck."
Digital control - What yore fingers do on the TV remote
Packet - What you do to a suitcase before a trip
Log on - Making the wood stove hotter
Log off - Don't add no more wood
Download - Gettin' the farwood offn the pickup
Megahertz - When yer not keerful gettin' that farwood downloaded
Floppydisk - Whatcha git from tryin' to carry to much farwood
Prompt - Whut th mail ain't in the winter taim
Screen - Whut to shut when it's black fly season
Microchip - Whut's left in the munchie bag
Laptop - Whur the kitty sleeps
Enter - Northern 'fer c'mon in y'all
Software - Them dang plastik forks and knives
Mainframe - Holds up the barn ruf

-- posted by SteveT

Top 93. Sep 18, 2001 3:58 PM

» Karin_ - The Devil's Visit

The Devil's Visit

Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when
suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front
of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the
smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red
figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.

Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the
doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away.
Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood
was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging
comfortably in his pew.

"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.

The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."

Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

The man snorted, "What for? I've been married to your
sister for 35 years!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 94. Sep 19, 2001 12:48 PM

» SteveT - The Good Wife's Guide

The Good Wife's Guide

From 'Housekeeping Monthly', May 13, 1955

^Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to
have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is
a way of letting him know that you have been thinking
about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men
are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a
good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the
warm welcome needed^

^Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a
ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been
with a lot of work-weary people^

^Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His
boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to
provide it^

^Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip thru the main
part of the house just before your husband arrives^

^Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a
dustcloth over the tables^

^Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare
and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will
feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will
give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will
provide you with immense personal satisfaction^

^Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their
hair and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage
the children to be quiet^

^Be happy to see him^

^Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your
desire to please him^

^Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to
tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let
him talk first-remember, his topics of conversation are
more important than yours^

^Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home
late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment
without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain
and pressure and his very real need to be at home and
relax^

^Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of
peace, order and tranquility where your husband can
renew himself in body and spirit^

^Don't greet him with complaints and problems^

^Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he
stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what
he might have gone thru that day^

^Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a
comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom.
Have a cool or warm drink ready for him^

^Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak
in a low, soothing and pleasant voice^

^Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his
judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the
house and as such, will always exercise his will with
fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question
him^

^A good wife always knows her place^

-- posted by SteveT

Top 95. Sep 19, 2001 12:49 PM

» SteveT - Good Husbands Guide For The Millenium

Good Husbands Guide For The Millenium

1. Have dinner ready a couple of nights a week. Plan
ahead so she knows when she can come home and relax
after working hard all day.

2. Prepare yourself. Clean yourself up after work. No one
likes to come home to greasy, dirty, sweaty husbands.

3. Help with the housework. Pick up before she comes
home, or do a load of laundry. She has already put in 8
hours or more.

4. Clean up after yourself. Carefully clean all facial hair
from the bathroom sink and counter, rinse off soap, place
caps back on items you use, put toilet seat down, put food
items away, and dishes in the sink or dishwasher, etc.
After all, you are an adult man and this will give you
self-satisfaction and make things easier for your wife.

5. Pay attention to her. Do not read the newspaper, watch
TV, or just nod your head while she is trying to talk to you!
Treat her with respect, listen and show sincerity to what
she has to say, for it is important to her.

6. Make an effort to remember where you put your own
belongings, and where your clothes are stored. Wallet,
keys, socks, shirts, etc. Your wife shouldn't have to find
these things for you or look for them. You ive there, too.

7. Help with the children. Remember, parenting falls under
'father's duties' also. Babysitters are hired!

8. Share the TV remote. This mechanism is NOT part of the
male anatomy! Ask her if there is something she would like
to watch, and then let her surf the channels.

9. Be aware of her moods and feelings, and act
accordingly. Don't argue or complain, for you will lose
(always). Be kind and smile, for she may have had a very
tough day, and was probably dealing with male egos all
day.

10. Make sure the outdoor chores are done-without being
asked or reminded! Lawn work, house repairs, snow
shoveling, etc. She does not need to be bothered or
worried about duties that should be yours.

11. If you are ill-and need to be waited on hand and
foot-call your mother or hire a home care assistant. They
will listen to you whine, and wait on you all you want. A
mother will feel she's helping you, and a home care
assistant get's paid to do these underappreciated duties!

12. Don't question her about her actions or judgement.
After all, she is a grown woman that can make her own
decisions and she shouldn't have to explain them.

13. Make the evening hers. Don't get angry or complain if
she has a night out with the girls, or goes shopping. She
deserves some time to herself to relieve stress and tension
and have some fun.

14. Learn to nurture and express feelings. Giver her hugs
for no reason, really talk to her, hold hands, go for walks,
etc. this will show her that you are still the loving caring
man that she married.

15. Buy a datebook. Write down dates that are important
to the family. Anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Then you will
remember, without having to be told.

16. Remember, romance starts in the mind. Take her out
for a night, send her flowers, buy her jewelry or perfume.
She will appreciate the fact that you are thinking about her
and will make her feel more understood and loved.

17. Your goal: To make your home a place of peace, order,
tranquility, and happiness!!

18. A good husband always knows his place! Beside his
wife to make an unbeatable team!!

-- posted by SteveT

Top 96. Sep 19, 2001 2:55 PM

» Karin_ - Dear Dr.

Dear Dr. Ruth,
I am writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have married a
sex maniac. For the past 12 years he makes love to me regardless
of what I am doing. I can be ironing, cooking, cleaning,
sweeping, cleaning the cat box, etc.

He just comes right at me and won't be dissuaded for any reason.
I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth f
unothel gothsl ehj fpslth3/ o,, fjsl; (o ------ .
lp sld mpskdlli

dlks, a;ld:;' . . . . .

-- posted by Karin_

Top 97. Sep 19, 2001 7:01 PM

» Karin_ - Exercise

Exercise

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:

I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 98. Sep 19, 2001 8:34 PM

» Karin_ - Signs Found In Kitchens

Signs Found In Kitchens

1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it!
2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
15. Apology...Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
16. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
17. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
19. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
20. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
21. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
22. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
23. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to
lead normal lives.
24. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
25. Gardening forever . . . Housework, never!
26. Dull women have immaculate houses.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 99. Sep 20, 2001 8:02 PM

» Karin_ - The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as d

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians.

*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

*The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

*She is numb from her toes down.

*The skin was moist and dry.

*Patient was alert and unresponsive.

*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 100. Sep 21, 2001 8:02 AM

» dna2 - Tom Waits

Only thing to do today is put on some Tom Waits and start drinking some cleaning products.

-- posted by dna2