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Top 82. Sep 16, 2001 9:40 PM

» Karin_ - Smile :

Smile

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he
discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

-- posted by Karin_

Top 83. Sep 17, 2001 2:23 PM

» Karin_ - A Pill

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package
basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy
and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English
literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it
and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world
history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has
new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back
into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill
and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the
student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know--math always
was a little hard to swallow."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 84. Sep 17, 2001 2:55 PM

» CaptRon - U-ville

In response to message posted by Karin_:
Outstanding, Karen. Will Greg allow reprints? TIA

From SI
"To:Chris who started this subject
From: Paul Shread Monday, Sep 17, 2001 4:46 PM
Respond to of 19046

I thought this was kind of cute and touching:

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,

It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea--an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow--
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!

He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called
Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!"

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 85. Sep 17, 2001 3:31 PM

» CaptRon - Old Dave Barry

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILLNOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. Your friends love you anyway."

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 86. Sep 17, 2001 4:17 PM

» Karin_ - CaptRon

I have asked Greg for permission.
Waiting for his response.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 87. Sep 17, 2001 4:17 PM

» Karin_ - Old Dog New Tricks

Old Dog New Tricks

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird
dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could
actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by
his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever
believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his,
a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him
and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by.
they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and
jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink
but instead walked across the water to retrieve the
bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This
continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog
walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but
did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you
notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 88. Sep 17, 2001 6:36 PM

» Karin_ - CapnRon here is the answer:

Karin,

Please share it with others. Here is a slightly modified (corrected) version,

Greg

Field of Broken Dreams

Alone if we must, or with others of like mind
We will end this reign of terror for the good of all mankind
Though this field of broken dreams may claim our bravest and our best
Never again let our children fear to lay their heads to rest

Greg Henderson

-- posted by Karin_

Top 89. Sep 17, 2001 8:29 PM

» Karin_ - Irish Toast Masters

Irish Toast Masters

John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club. One
evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, he won the
contest held to see who could deliver the best toast of the
evening. His prize-winning toast: "Here's To The Best
Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When he arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how
the Toast Masters meeting went. He said, "I won the contest
for the best toast of the evening, and here is my toast." He
then recited "Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in
Church wi' me Wife." She said "Why John, that's so nice of you
to include me in your Toast."
The next morning she was downtown shopping and ran into
the local policeman on the beat who had also been at the Toast
Masters meeting with her husband. He said "Mrs. O'Riley, that
was a great toast your husband gave last night. He won first
prize with it, y'know."
"Oh yes, I know for sure," said Mrs. O'Riley. "But I must tell
you he wasn't quite honest with the facts. Truth is, he's only
been there twice. The first time he fell asleep and the
second time I had to pull him out by his ears."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 90. Sep 18, 2001 11:07 AM

» CaptRon - Gifts

An Italian boy and a Jewish boy, lived about a
block apart in the
neighborhood and were growing up together. The Jewish
boy was the son of a
Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a Mafia
hit man.

Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their
12th birthday, the little
Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little
Italian boy received a 22
cal. Beretta.
The next day they are out on the street corner
comparing their
presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts
with each other. The little
Italian boy goes home to show his father the watch
and his father is NOT
pleased. "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you
something, you idiot! Someday
you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna
settledown and get married."
"You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one
day, you're gonna come home
and find your wife in bed with another man. What you
gonna do? Look at your
watch and say....'Hey, times up'

BTW, Thanx Karen

-- posted by CaptRon