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Top 72. Sep 9, 2001 8:15 PM

» Karin_ - Irresistible

Irresistible

Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.

"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.

"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."

Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.

"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."

Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deeds to an ocean side property in Hawaii.

"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women." Poof! There's another blinding flash,.......

...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 73. Sep 9, 2001 8:19 PM

» Karin_ - 30 Terrible Things To Say To A Naked Guy

30 Terrible Things To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter cigars than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird

-- posted by Karin_

Top 74. Sep 9, 2001 9:23 PM

» Karin_ - Beer makes you smarter!

Beer makes you smarter!

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular attrition of the weakest members.
(except in KANSAS)!

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 75. Sep 9, 2001 9:26 PM

» Karin_ - Advice From Men To Women

Advice From Men To Women

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

-- posted by Karin_

Top 76. Sep 9, 2001 10:04 PM

» ourisman - Martha Stewart's tips for rednecks

GENERAL GUIDELINES

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

-- posted by ourisman

Top 77. Sep 10, 2001 7:13 PM

» Karin_ - An Admirer

An Admirer

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man--you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 78. Sep 10, 2001 9:23 PM

» Karin_ - Arizona

Arizona

May 30th -- Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny
days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended
together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home I love it here.

June 14th -- Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live
in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th -- Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing
for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th -- The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th -- Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned
my lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th--- I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and BITS. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th--- Dry fetchin' heat, my butt. Hot is hot!! The home air -
conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive
by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th -- Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,100 in darn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th--- 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid
repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fetchin' state.

Aug 8th-- If another wise cracks,"Hot enough for you today?", I'm going
to tear his swollen throat out. Darn heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted fricken Garfield!!

Aug 10th -- The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot
and Sunny. It's been too hot for two dang months and the weatherman says it might really warm
up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren desert??
Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew
into the swealtoring pool. Even a cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th--- Welcome to ####!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and
blew the fricken' windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough
for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,100 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th--- Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The f***ing monsoon
rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than ####. The Lincoln is now floating
somewhere in Mexico with it's new $500 windshield. That does it, we're moving to New York for
some peace and quiet.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 79. Sep 14, 2001 5:16 PM

» Karin_ - Reminder

Reminder

For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules. He
worked during the day, and I worked at night. One morning
I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen
counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office
and put them on the counter before going to work...

The next morning I found the same note. The word "STAMPS!"
was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION
DOLLARS!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 80. Sep 14, 2001 7:25 PM

» AL_W - How many D's in Indiana Jones.

How many D's in Indiana Jones....

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for interview for the same job.

The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her a last question: "How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is the next one, and the process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She immediately says One". The interviewer says "ok, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 .... hmmm - wait... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please? After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

Now play the .wav file....
http://www.suite101.com/files/mysites/AL...

-- posted by AL_W