Forum Full!!! Investment Humor 4,970+ Use New Forum

Top 62. Sep 6, 2001 8:25 AM

» Karin_ - Woman about Woman

Woman about Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. [Helen
Hayes, at 73]

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
eyebrows.
[Janette Barber]

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think
I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
[Jan King]

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
[Carrie Snow]

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

[Rhonda Hansome]

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
starts falling apart. [Caryn Leschen]

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at
once. [Jennifer Unlimited]

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning. [Catherine Aird]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not
dumb, and I'm also not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue
Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne
Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. [Elayne Boosler]

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a
career. [Gloria Steinem]

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls
every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes
home late every night. [Marie Corelli]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
[Zsa Zsa Gabor]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. [Eleanor
Roosevelt]

-- posted by Karin_

Top 63. Sep 6, 2001 1:01 PM

» jagkar - Re: Interesting Facts

In response to message posted by Karin_:
Be advised that the report that left handers average shorter lives is only an internet legend. If you ask around at the old folks' home there aren't so many lefties because they were required to change over back in those ignorant dark ages, before the natural superiority of lefthanders was acknowledged.

Southpaws of the world unite!

-- posted by jagkar

Top 64. Sep 6, 2001 2:29 PM

» CaptRon - Stranger than fiction...

Where's my handout?
Taken from real-life welfare applications

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven, but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

• I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

• Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

• I'm glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

• This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

• Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

• I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

• My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

• You have changed my little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

• I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

• I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

• In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 65. Sep 6, 2001 2:32 PM

» CaptRon - Rejected Dr Suess books...

The Cat in the Blender

Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet

Fox in Detox

Who Shat in the Hat?

Horton Hires a 'Ho

The Flesh-Eating Lorax

How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?

Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

The Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket

Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

Horton Fakes an Orgasm

The Grinch's Ten Inches

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 66. Sep 6, 2001 9:11 PM

» Karin_ - Strip Club Birthday

Strip Club Birthday
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 67. Sep 6, 2001 9:14 PM

» Karin_ - The Beverly Clintons

The Beverly Clintons

Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...

#####, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."

Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's.

Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

####, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat witch named Hillary.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 68. Sep 6, 2001 9:16 PM

» Karin_ - Sex and the Computer

Sex and the Computer

In French, unlike English, all nouns are either masculine or feminine. For fun, a teacher once divided her French class into two groups, with men in one group and women in the other, and asked each group to decide whether the
French word for computer should be masculine ("le computer"), or feminine ("la computer").

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because

1). No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2). The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3). Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieve and review.
4). As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because

1). In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2). They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3). They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4). As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 69. Sep 8, 2001 9:35 AM

» Karin_ - The Barber Shop

The Barber Shop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client
asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 70. Sep 8, 2001 8:55 PM

» EdO3 - Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He was considered to be a very spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and consequently became extremely thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a

Super-calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis.

-- posted by EdO3