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» Karin_ - Little Red Riding Hood, 2001

Little Red Riding Hood, 2001

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - Need a Tie

Need a Tie

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt open at the collar,
but is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get
in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer suspiciously looks him
over for a few moments and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in
- just don't start anything."

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - Vacation Plans

Vacation Plans

Larry goes to see his travel agent.

"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?"
"Yes, but I need to ask for something different."

"Go ahead ask me."
"You know last year you suggested Hawaii and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before you suggested Bermuda and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes, but. . ."
"And the year before that I went to Bali and when I returned
my wife was pregnant."

"Yes."
"Well! Could you suggest something cheaper this year so that
I can bring her with me?"

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - GROWING OLDER

GROWING OLDER

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of
his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith
said, "George, everything looks great physically. How
are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good
relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and
me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on
when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's
wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine.
Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on
in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the
refrigerator again!"

-- posted by Karin_

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» CaptRon - State Visit

On a State visit to England President Bush is representing the United States on a highly formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.

The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering throngs. Then
suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that
reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their
attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just happened is ridiculous.

She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets -I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

-- posted by CaptRon

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» CaptRon - Great Bars

The Best Bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

-- posted by CaptRon

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» Karin_ - Interesting Facts

Interesting Facts (With Interesting Comments)

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you
would have produced enough sound energy to heat one
cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps
out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my
God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I
want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before
it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the
pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an
hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head
is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by
ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What
the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like
a human jumping the length of a football field. (30
minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so
tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to
be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always
wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous,
do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so
that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who
was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some
people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that
too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares! )

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - Psalm 129!

Psalm 129!!

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of
the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a
look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and
apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his
hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from
her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got
out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find
glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a
great opportunity!

-- posted by Karin_

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» SteveT - The Physician, Civil Engineer, and Consultant

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required
surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the
heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil
engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

-- posted by SteveT

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» Karin_ - THE ACCIDENT REPORT

THE ACCIDENT REPORT

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed.

As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush
and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said,

"I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to
his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

......."Driving" motioned the monkey.

-- posted by Karin_

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