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Top 42. Sep 2, 2001 11:42 AM

» Karin_ - New Pet!

New Pet!

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in
a little white box to use for its house. He took the box back home,
found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by
taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's
with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 43. Sep 2, 2001 8:25 PM

» Karin_ - Searching for Husband

Searching for Husband

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her
life, so she placed a personal ad that read:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was
ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail.
None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to
find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no
legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in
bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 44. Sep 3, 2001 5:09 AM

» SteveT - When Einstein die and went to heaven he was informed that his ro

When Einstein died and went to heaven he was informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss.
So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

-- posted by SteveT

Top 45. Sep 3, 2001 5:13 AM

» SteveT - A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

-- posted by SteveT

Top 46. Sep 3, 2001 7:16 AM

» Chris3 - Air Force Maintenance Issues

Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots and the
replies from the maintenance crews.

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally
leave for maintenance crews to fix before next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4
propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200
fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right",
and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

-- posted by Chris3

Top 47. Sep 3, 2001 7:34 AM

» Chris3 - All Tucked In

From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story
of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart
only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to
see a small group of people near the car. On closer
inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his
lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly
public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she
dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the
hood and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three
stitches in his head.

-- posted by Chris3

Top 48. Sep 3, 2001 7:37 AM

» Chris3 - Doc, You've Got To Help Me

"Doc, you've gotta help me!
My wife just isn't
interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or
something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe..."

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen
me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to ####! You've
got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small
bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These
are experimental; the tests so far indicate that
they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,
understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where
his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished,
she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man
hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one
into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they
were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his
own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy
their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes
after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs
deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her.
In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never
heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,

"Me... too..."

-- posted by Chris3

Top 49. Sep 3, 2001 12:14 PM

» Karin_ - Puppies

Puppies

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary
clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over
and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet,
wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered,
"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 50. Sep 3, 2001 1:32 PM

» SteveT - A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and

A burly good 'ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don't see the stewardess around".
The steward answers, "Actually I'm not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I'd be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She's all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don't believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don't call it that anymore."

-- posted by SteveT