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Top 32. Aug 30, 2001 7:28 PM

» Karin_ - FIRE CHIEF:

FIRE CHIEF:

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark,
crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just
then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike dear, would
you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block
and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Hey,"
said the druggist, "I know you, aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the
Fire Chief?"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 33. Aug 30, 2001 8:20 PM

» Karin_ - Call for Help

Call for Help

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the
ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on
the line, "OK, now what?"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 34. Aug 31, 2001 8:33 AM

» Karin_ - THE LOVE DRESS

THE LOVE DRESS

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 35. Aug 31, 2001 10:48 AM

» Karin_ - Brain Teasers

Brain Teasers

BT #1

A butler is promised $100 and a cloak as his wages for a year. After 7 months he leaves this service, and receives the cloak and $20 as his due. How much is the cloak worth?

BT #2

What word, expression, or name is depicted below?

EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER

EVER

Answers to be posted later!

==============================================================================================

#1. ($20 + Cloak)/7=($100 + Cloak)/12=Monthly compensation

Solving above yields Cloak = $92

=========================================================================================================

#2. Forever and ever

-- posted by Karin_

Top 36. Aug 31, 2001 12:49 PM

» Karin_ - Rockin' Bike

Rockin' Bike

An engineering student is walking on campus one day
when another engineer rides up on a shiny new
motorcycle. "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?"
asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice,
the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 37. Aug 31, 2001 6:24 PM

» Karin_ - Ouch!

Ouch! That Hurts

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,

inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the
machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman
pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected
the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents." "Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his
hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The
salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around
he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into
the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his
wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling
hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a
button sewed on the tip.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 38. Sep 1, 2001 10:45 AM

» Karin_ - Medicine

Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can
take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are
way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in
the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 39. Sep 1, 2001 8:35 PM

» Karin_ - GAMES

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

Chapter 1: Games For When We Get Older

1. Sag, You're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Chapter 2: Signs of Menopause

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that! instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather
than just saying you are not amused,you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Chapter 3: Signs you are getting old.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

-- posted by Karin_

Top 40. Sep 2, 2001 6:24 AM

» SteveT - Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me,
ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If
one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other
woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

-- posted by SteveT