Forum Full!!! Investment Humor 4,970+ Use New Forum

Top 22. Aug 28, 2001 8:04 PM

» Kirk - Doggie Things

Things I MUST remember as a dog:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, deer, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so, when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

-- posted by Kirk

Top 23. Aug 29, 2001 8:30 AM

» Karin_ - Discipline

Discipline

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and
was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still
with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the
toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times. When he could do work at his desk,
the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.
He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class raised
its level of unruliness. Finally, becoming disgusted with the
wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and
stapled the tie to his chest in several places.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 24. Aug 29, 2001 4:44 PM

» KLR - The Nuns

At the nuns' weekly meeting, the mother superior solemnly announced:

"We have a case of gonorhea!"

"Thank God," muttered a sister in the back pew, "I am really tired of zinfandel!"

-- posted by KLR

Top 25. Aug 29, 2001 6:44 PM

» reporter20 - WHY MEN ARE NOT GOOD SECRETARIES

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst Beer is normal

-- posted by reporter20

Top 26. Aug 29, 2001 8:45 PM

» Karin_ - RENTAL FEE

RENTAL FEE

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night with him for $500.00. And she did. Before he left the next morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her calling the payment "RENT FOR
APARTMENT".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250.00 and enclosed a note saying:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1. it had never been occupied
2. that there was plenty of heat
3. that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been
previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and it was entirely to large.

Upon receipt of the $250.00 check and note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 27. Aug 29, 2001 8:49 PM

» Karin_ - Poof!

Poof!
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a
large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the
other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man
prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to
cross this river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to swim across the river in about two hours, after
almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second
man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength
..and the tools to cross this river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across
the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat
a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked
out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying,
"Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the
intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the
map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked
across the bridge.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 28. Aug 30, 2001 5:46 AM

» Rande - A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

The personnel manager explains her duites, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

-- posted by Rande

Top 29. Aug 30, 2001 3:13 PM

» Karin_ - Three Blondes

Three Blondes

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river
holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A
Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see
your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing
licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't
fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines
and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the
river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure
enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of
each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said
the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And
with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three
blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb
Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two,
"doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this
river?!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 30. Aug 30, 2001 3:24 PM

» Karin_ - Brain Teasers

Brain Teasers

BT #1

A butler is promised $100 and a cloak as his wages for a year. After 7 months he leaves this service, and receives the cloak and $20 as his due. How much is the cloak worth?

BT #2

What word, expression, or name is depicted below?

EVER
EVER
EVER
EVER

EVER

Answers to be posted later!

-- posted by Karin_