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Top 2012. May 4, 2005 12:15 PM

» Karin_ - Cowboy's Guide To Life

Cowboy's Guide To Life

* Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight and bull strong.

* Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jest happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin.'

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it in.

* Don't squat with your spurs on.

*Never fry bacon naked.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 2013. May 4, 2005 12:45 PM

» Karin_ - COLORED ???

COLORED ???

When I born, I black,
When I grow up, I black,
When I go in sun, I black,
When I cold, I black,
When I scared, I black,
When I sick, I black,
When I bruise, I black,
And when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
When you born, you PINK,
When you grow up, you WHITE,
When you go in sun, you RED,
When you cold, you BLUE,
When you scared, you YELLOW,
When you sick, you GREEN,
When you bruised, you PURPLE,
And when you die, you GRAY.

So who you calling C O L O R E D ?

-- posted by Karin_

Top 2014. May 4, 2005 7:53 PM

» Karin_ - LONG Arm Of The Law

LONG Arm Of The Law

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, "Illinois State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 2015. May 6, 2005 12:56 PM

» SteveT - Corporate Lessons

> Corporate Lesson 1:
>
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
>
> Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
>
> Corporate Lesson 2:
>
> A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>
> Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
>
> Corporate Lesson 3:
>
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>
> Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>
> Corporate Lesson 4:
>
> A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
>
> Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
>
> Corporate Lesson 5:
>
> A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
>
> Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 2016. May 13, 2005 8:53 AM

» Kirk - Old Poodle

.
Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, Cuddles exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from high in the branches of a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, Cuddles sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, she sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story: Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth, and skill, bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

-- posted by Kirk

Top 2017. May 13, 2005 11:32 AM

» Karin_ - SAYINGS

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

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When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

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If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

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Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

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A penny saved is a government oversight.

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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right
time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

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The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

replacement.

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He who hesitates is probably right.

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Did you ever notice:

The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

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If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

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The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

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There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

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Did you ever notice:

When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together spells "Theirs."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 2018. May 22, 2005 8:56 AM

» Kirk - Eight Words with two Meanings

.
In response to Old Poodle posted by Kirk:

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking
beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Need a reason.
Male.....Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. Need a place.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

-- posted by Kirk

Top 2019. May 24, 2005 10:23 AM

» be6 - `

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze. Bubba asked Homer, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"

Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
" I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

-- posted by be6

Top 2020. May 26, 2005 12:51 PM

» Bill_Duffy - Famous quotes about women and marriage

.
Famous quotes about women and marriage

"When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs."
Friedrich Nietzsche

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied."
Oscar Wilde

"Direct thought is not an attribute of feminity. In this, women are now centuries behind man."
Thomas Edison

"Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote."
Grover Cleveland, Former US President (1905)

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man."
Erica Jong

"Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property."
Napolean Bonaparte

"Women are nothing but machines for producing children."
Napolean Bonaparte

"An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
Agatha Christie

"Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one."
WC Fields

"My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name."
Patrick Murray

"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Groucho Marx

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking."
Rupert Hughes

"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing."
Sean Williamson

"Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'."
Jeffrey Bernard

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx

"Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another."
HL Mencken

"When I have one foot in the grave, I will tell the whole truth about women. I shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me and say, 'Do what you like now'."
Leo Tolstoy

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
Leonardo Di Vinci

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
Lewis Grizzard

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men."
Aristotle

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife."
Tony Curtis

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late."
Max Kaufman

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure."
Oscar Wilde

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
George Burns

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
Groucho Marx

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry

"The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead."
Ann Landers

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher."
Socrates

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
Jimmy Durante

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
Mae West

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't."
Spike Milligan

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
Ambrose Bierce

-- posted by Bill_Duffy