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» Bill_Duffy - In the Beginning...
.In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth. He populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and
red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream
and Krispy Creme Donuts. Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "As long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds, and Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6
to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the
side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, naming it "Angel Food
Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and
named it "Devil's Food Cake."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so
Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman
laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its
99-cent double cheeseburger. Satan then asked, "Do you want fries with
that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said,
"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs
-- posted by Bill_Duffy
» Bill_Duffy - Church Bulletins
.Some church
bulletins for your edification:
Preach it!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
Ladies, Ladies
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Choir Practice
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please
use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
-- posted by Bill_Duffy
» Karin_ - Letter from the Corporate Office
Letter from the Corporate OfficeDear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical
importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when
communicating with co-workers. Therefore a list of 18 New and
Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper
exchange of ideas and information can cont inue in an effective
manner.
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.
3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.
5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!
6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What - the - f___???
9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.
10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the h_! __ didn't you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.
15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the h___ died and made you boss?
18 ) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
-- posted by Karin_
» SteveT - Laugh for the day
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too".
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better. About a month ago I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse.
I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative and to my surprise (and satisfaction); all of the stains came out. In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! Thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Little Johnny
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Gorgeous babe
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?"
Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-out love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are YOU with?
-- posted by SteveT
» be6 - fibbing 'bout age
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks
everyone's socks off with her sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob's
arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are
all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how
did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to
marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replied.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
-- posted by be6
» be6 - Ready for an Adventure?
If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, TRY THIS.
Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration
quotas,visas,international law,or any of that nonsense.
Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical
care for you and your entire family.
Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.
Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc.
Procreate abundantly.
Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive
behavior with,"It is a cultural U.S.A. thing.You would not
understand, pal."
Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop,
or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.
Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your
children do likewise.
Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.
Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal
rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal,
presence in Mexico
Drive around with no liability insurance and ignore local traffic laws.
Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.
Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time or soon dead.
Because it will never happen. It will not happen in Mexico or any
other country in the world except right here in the United States.
.
.
.
Land of the naive!
-- posted by be6
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