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- Kirk
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» SteveT - The Dog
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the UPS man came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the UPS man. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the UPS man. He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."
The UPS man picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Help wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and
stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect
business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
-- posted by SteveT
» ourisman - Zen Judaism
If there is no self,whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip...Joy
With the second...Satisfaction
With the third...Peace
With the fourth..A Danish
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or
a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy".
There is no escaping Karma.
In a previous life you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
Zen is not easy.
It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?
Bupkes.
The Tao does not speak
The Tao does not blame
The Tao does not take sides
The Tao has no expectations
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
Be aware of your body
Be aware of your perceptions
Keep in mind that not every physical
sensations is a symptom of a terminal illness.
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself"
The Buddha says there is no 'self'.
So, maybe you are off the hook.
-- posted by ourisman
» Normxxx - Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Police Dept's Office Answering Machine
Hello, you have reached the Police Dept's Voice Mail. Please select one of the following options:
To whine about us not doing enough to solve a problem you created yourself, press 1.
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we'll do something about a problem, press 2.
To report an officer for bad manners exhibited when the officer was trying to protect his life, press 3.
If you would like us to discipline or otherwise help raise your children, press 4.
If you would like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependency or alcohol, press 5.
If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took you years to create, press 6.
To provide a list of officers you know personally so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.
To sue us, or tell us you pay our salary and you'll have our badge, or to proclaim our career is over, press 8.
To whine about a ticket, or point out the other ways we could stay busy rather than keeping you in line, press 9.
Thanks for calling your local police dept. and have a nice day.
-- posted by Normxxx
» be6 - Charity
The United Way realized that it had
never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a
United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his
lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over
two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
like to give something back to your community through
the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful
illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability
to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children."
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you
that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her
penniless with a mortgage and three children one of
whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I
had no idea"
And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in
the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?
-- posted by be6
» SteveT - Underwear Is Important!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under
the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
-- posted by SteveT
-- posted by be6
» SteveT - Ethel
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.
”Oh, good grief, "cried Ethel, "not the breathalyzer test again."
-- posted by SteveT
» Kirk - You know ur in vancouver...when....
.1. Your coworkers have eight body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make more than $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people that are actually carrying on a conversation in English!
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring and is named Breeze!
5. You can't remember ... is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
8. You just can't seem to remember ... is pot legal?
9. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
10. A really great free parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. Gas costs $0.94 to $0.98 per litre, more than anywhere else in Canada.
12. You're almost sure pot isn't illegal.
13. A man gets on the Skytrain in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. The guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney actually is George Clooney.
15. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
16. You're absolutely positive pot isn't illegal ... right?
17. It's barely snowing and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2004."
18. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.
19. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
20. Hey, dude! Isn't pot legal???
21. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
-- posted by Kirk
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