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Top 1982. Mar 20, 2005 1:43 PM

» Karin_ - First Graders & Proverbs

First Graders & Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
graders.....6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

1. Better to be safe than...........................punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the..................................... bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time
4. Never underestimate the power of.......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
7. No news is......... . . . . . . . . . . . ...........impossible
8. A miss is as good as a........ . . . . . . .Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.....................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
13. An idle mind is....................................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's...............pollution.
15. Happy the bride who...........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's.......................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.....................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded
22. If at first you don't succeed.....................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the box .
24. When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

25. Better late than.........................................pregnant

-- posted by Karin_

Top 1983. Mar 22, 2005 11:47 AM

» SteveT - Scam

Tony walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

Tony said "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Tony, seeing this, said: "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and Tony stated 'by personal check'.

" I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and then I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned Tony, "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said Tony, but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1984. Mar 22, 2005 2:41 PM

» Kirk - The Old Farmer

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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride
to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old geezers.

-- posted by Kirk

Top 1985. Mar 23, 2005 5:32 AM

» SteveT - Coffee, Tea, or...

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra”? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus, and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants abulgin' fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1986. Mar 24, 2005 3:07 PM

» SteveT - Chicken Farmer

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1987. Mar 24, 2005 7:51 PM

» Bill_Duffy - Revenge

.
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
He wanted to continue living in their downtown luxury apartment with
his new lover so he asked his wife to move out and get another place.

His wife agreed to this, provided that he would give her 3 days alone
at the apartment to pack up her things. She spent the first day packing
her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she
had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat
down for the last time at their beautiful dining table by candlelight,
put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and
a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room
and deposited a few of the half-eaten shrimp shells into the hollow of
the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
the first few days. Then slowly the apartment began to smell. They
tried everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents
were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned. Air
fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive carpet.

Finally, they could not take it any longer and decided to move. They
could not find a buyer for their stinky apartment so they had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The moving
company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking
everything to their new home . . .

. . .including the curtain rods!

-- posted by Bill_Duffy

Top 1988. Mar 25, 2005 10:56 AM

» SteveT - Mother-in-law

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1989. Mar 27, 2005 5:01 PM

» SteveT - ACTUAL WRITINGS ON CHARTS IN HOSPITALS

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale. But present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1990. Mar 27, 2005 5:05 PM

» SteveT - The fishing trip

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

-- posted by SteveT