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» SteveT - The price of good research
An American scientist was researching longevity, experimenting with dolphins, feeding them various things, exercising them, etc., to see how to keep them alive the longest. Eventually he discovered that if he fed them seagulls, they would stay alive indefinitely! But they had to be very young seagulls.This was such an exciting discovery that he kept the project going for decades, just to see how long he could keep the dolphins going. Eventually he ran out of baby seagulls in his coastal state of South Carolina, and went to the North Carolina beaches looking for more.
When he returned to South Carolina with a truck full of baby gulls, he was stopped and arrested. The charge?
Are you ready?
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Sure you can handle this?????
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Transporting young gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Women
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions!)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said . .. "Clean my house."
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - Kids
If you've ever dressed a child you will love it.
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. . . He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to, And once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner than they got the boots off he said,
"They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots"
Her trial starts next month.
-- posted by SteveT
» SteveT - THINGS TO PONDER...
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? This is me!!!!!
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Another one that's me!!!!
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously: "If at first you don't succeed" just about does it for sky diving!
and my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends! If they're okay, then it's you.
Come on Spring
-- posted by SteveT
» be6 - Firm up
A man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If youfirmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this
was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning the man
woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if
you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.
" This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him
by his "wackie". With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
poolman, and your brother."
-- posted by be6
» SteveT - Who's On First for the Next Generation!
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
-- posted by SteveT
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