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Top 1952. Feb 22, 2005 3:03 PM

» SteveT - Happily Married

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1953. Feb 22, 2005 3:09 PM

» SteveT - No Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he should eventually make a full recovery.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1954. Feb 22, 2005 6:36 PM

» Karin_ - SIPPING VODKA

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior
and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh!t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

-- posted by Karin_

http://www.google.com/search?q=litigious...

Top 1955. Feb 25, 2005 12:40 PM

» Kirk - Google "litigious bastards"

.
Rumor has it that Kevin McBride, legal counsel for The SCO Group, has sent a letter to Google demanding Google remove references pointing to the SCO Group from the search phrase "litigious bastards".

If Google doesn't remove those references within the next few days, not less than a week, the SCO Group will SUE!

It turns out, a whole bunch of peole who hate the SCO group have made a link on their web page that links

Litigious Bastards
to
www.sco.com

like this Litigious Bastards

LOL

Web Results 1 - 30 of about 6,350 for litigious bastards. (0.12 seconds)

The SCO Group, Inc. | SCO Grows Your Business
The SCO Group, Inc. — Nasdaq: SCOX.
www.sco.com/ - 24k - Feb 23, 2005 - Cached - Similar pages

SCO: Litigious Bastards
Here are some links.), SCO: Litigious Bastards. This is the campaign to Google bomb
SCO with the phrase litigious bastards. Want to participate? ...
www.litigiousbastards.com/ - 6k - Cached - Similar pages

suburban blight: Welcome, Litigious Bastards
January 12, 2004. Welcome, Litigious Bastards. ... Google has apparently blocked
sco.com from being the #1 hit for "litigious bastards". ...
www.suburbanblight.net/archives/001478.html - 20k - Cached - Similar pages

suburban blight: Litigious Bastards
July 17, 2003. Litigious Bastards. I never did really like Metallica. ... You are
the first result for litigious bastards on Google. Lucky you! ...
www.suburbanblight.net/archives/000635.html - 16k - Cached - Similar pages
[ More results from www.suburbanblight.net ]

[Si]dragon: Litigious Bastards
... January 12, 2004. Litigious Bastards. ... Well, I think it’sa great idea and worth
a shot! SCO are certianly a hive of litigious bastards. ...
weblog.elwing.org/michaela/archives/000065.html - 18k - Cached - Similar pages

Screen Shot: http://www.litigiousbastards.com/google....

ROTFLMAO!

-- posted by Kirk

Top 1956. Feb 26, 2005 4:19 AM

» SteveT - What a comeback

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp
as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during
a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description
of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room
where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The
officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback"
line -- and we think he'll win.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1957. Feb 27, 2005 4:18 AM

» SteveT - Don't step on the ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they got
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step
on the Ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St.
Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and
says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained
to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together for eternity as well. The third woman has
observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly
man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on.
very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains them together without saying a
word.
The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck."

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1958. Feb 27, 2005 8:54 AM

» SteveT - MONEY

It can buy a House

But not a Home

It can buy a Bed

But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock

But not Time

It can buy a Book

But not Knowledge

It can buy a Position

But not Respect

It can buy Medicine

But not Health

It can buy Blood

But not Life

It can buy Sex

But not Love

So you see money isn't everything! And it often causes pain and suffering! I tell you this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering ...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!

I ACCEPT CASH, MONEY ORDERS, PERSONAL CHECKS, CASHIERS CHECKS, BAGS OF GOLD, BARS OF PLATINUM, ETC ... ETC ...

PLEASE: NO CHILDREN AS PAYMENTS. THEY WILL BE RETURNED.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1959. Feb 27, 2005 8:59 AM

» SteveT - Camping Tips

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your
picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking
his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your
feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but
the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or
mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years,
the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded.
Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable
campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze,
cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add
absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter.
Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always
grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll
by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat,
should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar
device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives
you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping:
Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out
the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent
side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours
makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness
by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the
elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite
makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for
generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does
absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on
a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in
grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on
the bears.

-- posted by SteveT

Top 1960. Feb 27, 2005 9:09 AM

» SteveT - Hospital

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse comes into the room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off is oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very, closely...

Are ...my...test...results...back?

-- posted by SteveT