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Top 112. Sep 25, 2001 10:33 AM

» Karin_ - Dormitory Rules

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"

A male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 113. Sep 26, 2001 11:41 AM

» Karin_ - The Top 14 Signs Your Body Piercing Fetish Has Gone Too Far

The Top 14 Signs Your Body Piercing Fetish Has Gone Too Far

14> "With this nose ring, I thee wed."

13> Before your appendix operation, you ask if the doctor can
put a stud through your spleen.

12> You still bear the emotional scars from the pain you
experienced after you stood next to a carousel.

11> Forget the Prince Albert -- you're getting a Phineas Gage!

10> No matter how you go to sleep, you wake up pointing magnetic
north.

9> Your insatiable lust for piercing bodies causes people to
confuse you with Charlie Sheen.

8> When the wind picks up, you sound like the Boston Pops
woodwind section.

7> Though it looks cool, the diamond stud in your cornea
seriously impairs your ability to drive at night.

6> Hurts like hell when you absent-mindedly sit in the microwave.

5> Every time you sneeze it sounds like someone dropped a box of
salad forks.

4> You can't walk through an average doorway because of the
javelin in your tongue.

3> Despite your Kate Moss frame, you're still 37 pounds overweight.

2> Getting through the airport metal detector now requires
stripping down to your skeleton.

1> Your plan to pierce each freckle could get mighty costly,

-- posted by Karin_

Top 114. Sep 26, 2001 1:18 PM

» CaptRon - lost,?....

Frank and Maybelle, an old couple who owned a small
business, were sitting together on an airplane flying on
their first vacation to Europe. Halfway through their
trip the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some terrible news. We're experiencing
engine trouble and this plane will be forced to land
immediately! Luckily, I see an island below us that
should be able to accommodate our landing." A few
minutes later the plane lands safely on the island and
everyone deplanes and begin the task of figuring out
what to do next. After a while old Frank turns to his
wife and say's "This Island appears to be uncharted and
desolate. In fact the Captain is unable to find it on
any of his maps. So the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for a very
long time, if not for the rest of our lives! This is
horrible, simply horrible!"
After a few minutes his wife Maybelle asks, "Did we pay
our quarterly Federal income tax yet?"

"No. What a silly thing to ask now!" says Frank.

She replies, "Did you remember to mail off our State
taxes before we left?"

"No, I forgot to send the check, so what! Let 'em rot!"

"One last thing," says Maybelle, "Did you remember to
send property tax check this month?"

"Nope, I'm afraid that I forgot that one too! And your
point is?"

Maybelle begins to grin, "So what are you smiling
about!?" an exasperated Frank asks.

"They'll find us!!" says Maybelle."

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 115. Sep 26, 2001 7:42 PM

» Karin_ - Golfing Rules

Golfing Rules

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they
have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to
play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks
"The ducks?"

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking
around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one
next to him squawks and soon they're all squawking to beat the
band and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks,
you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed
large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one
of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to
it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked
"Who hit the duck?" The guy who had done it admitted "I did."

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the
man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to
hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a
couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as
deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even
uglier woman.

St.Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his
face and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed
together for eternity."

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move
for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still
hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three
months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen.

St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed
him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for
eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 116. Sep 27, 2001 11:33 AM

» Karin_ - Speed Trap

Speed Trap

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike
from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black
Canyon City before the mountains just became too much
and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but
after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.

Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered
him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the
car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope
lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that
if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike
and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be
outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after
the other. A short distance down the road, the
Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a
speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun
and radioed to the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then
relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this,
there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to
pass....

-- posted by Karin_

Top 117. Sep 27, 2001 2:06 PM

» Karin_ - THE LEGLESS PARROT

THE LEGLESS PARROT

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The
guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this
Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective
parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood
and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a
highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you
hang on to your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but
since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar
like a little hook. You can't see it because of my
feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't
you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can
converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics,
religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm
especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy
me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just
can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth
is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me
for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks
go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands
everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy
is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes
"Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.

"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
sheer black nighty and kissed him
passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and
began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her
all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 118. Sep 27, 2001 9:33 PM

» Karin_ - Washing Your Cat

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have
to be bathed, that somehow they "lick" themselves
clean. Contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT
have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide
(with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and
have a variety of odors, from smelling like the
outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as
your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat
anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we
know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this
process of a bath is out of the question.

So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct.
Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led
to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts,
quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have
the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to
wear protective garments.

1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet
suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and
welders gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the
one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one
of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed
bathtub area before hand. No, blow drying the cat after
the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than
needed as you still need to find the cat. Position
everything strategically in the shower, so you can
reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the
cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying
him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the
cat noticing your strange attire, the cat barely
notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed
is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the
door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the
sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While
the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty
Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the
water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds
of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and
add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of
shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to
field his body as he catapults through the air toward
the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty
Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him,
rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he
slide down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will
fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the
process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3
times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the
glass by then and will use the next attempt on the
first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the
easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the
cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your
right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and
in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty
Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be
off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet.
Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he
will be in a much better position for wrapping the
towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before
opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door, put towel
wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub,
if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you
can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours, it will be safe to exit the
bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere
looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 119. Sep 27, 2001 9:36 PM

» AL_W - silly phrases

1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman

6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number

2 pints = 1 Cavort

Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

6 Curses = 1 Hexahex

3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound

1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents

1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees

1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo

1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew

2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League

2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton

10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle

8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss

365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
to 1 meter per second

One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon

10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm

1000 pains = 1 Megahertz

1 Word = 1 Millipicture

1 Sagan = Billions & Billions

1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes

10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone

10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles

The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen

-- posted by AL_W

Top 120. Sep 28, 2001 6:57 PM

» Karin_ - Sales Crap

Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

-- posted by Karin_