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Top 12. Aug 27, 2001 2:36 PM

» SteveT - New Baseball Rules

In an effort to increase interest the following new rules are being considered next season.
Top 10 Proposed New Baseball Rules for 2002

10) New Rule: Catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy
who hit it!

9) Extra outs for every person on your team named
"Mookie", "Scooter", and "Pee Wee".

8) Knock out the beer vendor with a foul ball and you
automatically win the game!

7) Infield chatter must be in the form of a question.

6) Remember Babe Ruth? Some more of them ball playin'
fat dudes!

5) No more keeping your eye on the ball.

4) Good-bye Gatorade...Hello Reunite!!

3) All players must squat like a catcher for the entire
game.

2) Instead of the National Anthem, sing
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game!

And the Number One Proposed New Baseball Rule Change
For 2002....

9 Players, 8 Uniforms!

-- posted by SteveT

Top 13. Aug 27, 2001 4:16 PM

» Karin_ - Psychiatry behind Naming the Children

Psychiatry behind Naming the Children

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with three young mothers and their small children. "You
all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name,
Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's
go."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 14. Aug 27, 2001 4:27 PM

» Karin_ - Construction

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 15. Aug 27, 2001 9:21 PM

» Karin_ - My Dog

My Dog

A farmer named O'Rourke lived alone in the countryside with a
pet dog which he loved and doted on...
After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so
O'Rourke went to the parish priest: "Father, my dear old dog is
dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Michael replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your
dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."

O'Rourke said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough
to donate for the service?"

Father Michael: "Now, now... why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic!"

-- posted by Karin_

Top 16. Aug 28, 2001 11:26 AM

» CaptRon - Quotes

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
president.
-- Hillary Clinton, US First Lady, commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents in the book by James B. Stewart - Blood Sport

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in
our heads.
-- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next
morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was
erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his
work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars.
-- Gravestone Inscription

Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean.
-- Pedro Guerrero, baseball player, on reporters

Passive activity income does not include the following: Income for an
activity that is not a passive activity.
-- IRS form 8583, Passive Activity Loss Limitation

You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what
you are doing.
-- IRS Training Manual for tax auditors

Cheered by their words with an altogether more positive attitude to
boxing...I found myself recalling the words of Marlin Brando in On the
Waterfront, "I could have been a bartender."
-- Look Japan magazine article

And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
-- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in
wheelchairs on Disability Day

-- posted by CaptRon

Top 17. Aug 28, 2001 2:27 PM

» Karin_ - Goober Moose Hunters

Goober Moose Hunters

Two goober moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They
have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane
returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This
little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those
animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees
on the take off."

"That's baloney," says one of the hunters.

"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last
year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to
take off!"

"Yeah," said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than
yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "If he did it, then I can do it. I can
fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it,
but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It
clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage,
animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to
clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked
around, and said, "I'd say about a hundred yards further than last
year."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 18. Aug 28, 2001 3:06 PM

» Karin_ - Crisco

Crisco

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket
calling out, "Crisco, Crissscccoooo!"

Finally a store clerk approached.

"Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for
cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're
out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

-- posted by Karin_

Top 19. Aug 28, 2001 3:19 PM

» Karin_ - 12 husbands

12 husbands

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been
married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled
into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said
to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am
still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have
been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain
the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent
our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms,
'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was
never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but
he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly
said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just
couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he
simply said, 'Those who can, do; those who can't,
teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department
and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite
sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he
understood the basic process but needed three years to
research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration.
His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't
sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations
and told me that he was up to the standards but that
regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I
know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to
position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever
wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever
wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he
ever wanted to do was--God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to
get screwed.

-- posted by Karin_

Top 20. Aug 28, 2001 3:34 PM

» Karin_ - Sniffer Dog

Sniffer Dog

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man
with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically
at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best
there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."

The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman
for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of
marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the
police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and
places both paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm
making a note of this, and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and
down the plane aisle and after a while, stops and looks at someone, and
then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the
place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the
bloody hell is going on?"

The handler nervously replies "He just found a bomb!"

-- posted by Karin_